rememberance

we went through all the clothes today. i nearly stopped breathing so it wouldnt register. sometimes when you dont breathe it feels like nothing will affect your memory because you're restricting oxygen in your brain and then you stop feeling stuff. all his ties.. his uniform with the emblems and the medals all intact. all the shirts id bought him.. the kurtas.. some so new he'd never had a chance to wear them after haj..

 

ami and him had had so many plans.. everything was "we'll do this after haj"... ami is so sad... i cant even begin to feel the sense of loss that she feels..

one of abus staff from his national guard days called today.. he cried on the phone.. and told ami abu was a wonderful wonderful man and that he even used to go to DHA to meet him and he really looked up to him. he said abu really love his daughter and was always talking about her.. i felt like ... u know what i felt like. i am so thankful to Allah mian that i knew exactly how much my father loved me.. many people never find out these things till its too late.. but i knew... every single day that i lived i knew exactly how much... abu never failed to tell me how much ..

in his last few days after EVERY SINGLE phone call he would end with i love you janu.. i love you beta.. every single call. he knew.. he knew.. yet even one day before his death he still asked did you call china.. i now realize that he wasnt asking for himself.. he was asking for us.. so WE wouldnt feel like he had given up.. but he knew..

i dont think i will ever stop remembering him.. loving him or writing about him...

 

i think every single one of my blogs from now on will be an ode to my father..

i love him and miss him so very much..

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Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

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its finally over

my life is over. its finally over. its come to a head and its shattered into a million peices. my life is finally over.

we're all born with a shadow over our heads. its a shadow that protects. its a shadow that envelops with love and warmth and never lets us feel alone.

my shadow was my father. and hes gone. hes taken it all with him. my life is finally over.

its funny when at 28 you suddenly realize that life is over and from now on each day will be a hard sun scorching you with its heat with no reprieve till you die and go under.

i will never see my father again. i accept that truth. i will never see my father again because the people in this world dont let me stay good and polite. they make my blood boil and make me lose my cool and i know Allah Mian doesnt like that. i will never see my father again. even death has now lost its appeal with that fact in mind.

at this very moment in existence i have no reason to live and i have no reason to die. its the most contradictory reality i have ever had to face.

i dont want sympathy. i dont want unsolicited advice. i dont want false tears being shed to show how sorry people are. their lives will go on. my life is over.

i dont want anything from anyone. no one will ever ruffle my hair again.. no one will ever buy me three ice cream cones in one go. no one will ever wake up in the middle of the night to take me to the airport. no one will ever come to the airport to pick me up and be there waiting with a warm smile on their face ever again. from now on it'll all be metro cabbing and me alone in a sea full of strangers.

i dont have anyone to love me unconditionally anymore. only my father knew the meaning of that emotion. everyone else has an objective. my life is over..

i was happy... for a brief moment in time i was happy again as i had been in my childhood. now i have no room for mistakes and no room for failure... which means i'll will experience both.. my life is over...

i thought i'd live til 60. now i know i wont. sunday 7th of May 2006. let this be known as the day i truly died. i may not have a tombstone. i may not have a grave. my body may still wander the earth aimlessly trying to find nourishment and shelter in the unforgiving harsh heat of the world.. but this is the reality of my life now.. As Allah Gives, so does he take away...

 

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reality

i keep expecting him to come back home..

when i suddenly realize that he wont my heart feels like it will burst out of my chest and die..
i keep feeling like he's gone to get some groceries or for some work. in the first few days the illusion remained.. now its starting to come apart at the seams.. along with my threadbare hold on my tears..

i dont know what to do anymore.. i want to just curl up and die.. i keep thinking that when i die i'll be able to see him again.. to hug him and feel protected... but i dont even know if Allah mian will let me do that.. i dont even know if Allah mian will send me to heaven.. and i know that's where abu has gone.. because whatever his little foibles.. his goodness far exceeded everything else..

we got a letter from Chitral.. from a gentleman who used to be his PA and stenographer.. it brought tears to my eyes.. abu was so well loved by everyone who came into his sphere.. it was because he cared so much..

i have none of his patience.. i can only hope that Allah mian lets me see him again because of his own goodness, because i dont think mine will amount to much..

people keep telling me to be brave and do sabar.. after a while it all turns into one long drone.. and you just end up nodding without really hearing..

will it ever stop hurting...

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Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

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my father

As i answered one of the condolence messages from one of my far flung friends, i mentioned that i was sure that baba was very happy in heaven and had already started making structural improvements and having a lively dialogue with God and Gallileo...

 

i wasnt joking... abu is the consummate Kaizen practitioner. Continuous improvements ideas for every thing from water supply networks to governmental reform to the state of my hairstyle, would be running in his mind at the speed of light.

 

he is an exceptionally intelligent person and his capacity for absorbing and retaining information is absolutely immense and mindblowing. There isnt a subject in the world that he cant have an informed and passionate discussion about.

 

But baba never loses his cool. he is a thorough gentleman and courteous to the core.

 

on sunday we got him an oxygen tank. he didnt feel it was giving oxygen with enough pressure. he made me and faisal take him at 12:30am midnight to the edhi centre office at tower so he could check the cylinder out himself. we called them first and while i was talking to the technical support gentleman abu is insisting that i ask him his name. because thats the courteous thing to do... :) even at that time politeness and courtesy was a lesson he wanted me to remember.. my father insisted on talking to the technical support guy whose name was Ramzan, and was asking him what effect does oxygen have on the body, what should a person feel. Poor Ramzan was thoroughly confused and asked if he could speak to the patient, at which abu boomed out that he WAS the patient. I think Ramzan was stunned into silence.

 

We went and got the cylinder changed :)

 

on Monday afternoon we took him to the hospital. he loved it. the quiet peacefullness of the executive room. he took one look at the Split and said the filter was dirty. so now he's insisting to the technical support guy that the hospital was being charged a higher electricity bill because the filter was dirty. the poor guy was trying to explain that only the vents had some dirt but the filter was cleaned every week, but baba wasnt happy until he made the guy take out the filter and show it to him.

 

he had an entire conversation with khala where he redesigned the hospital bed for added comfort. he said the bed at home was lumpy and the bed at hospital wasnt the right angle and totally redesigned the bed and how it SHOULD be...

 

One of baba's favorite passages was by John Ruskin. He liked it so much he even kept a printed copy with him all the time and he would quote it as often as possible.

 

"You are not true soldiers, if you only mean to stand at a shop door, to protect the shop-boys who are cheating inside. A soldier's vow to his country is that he will die for the guardianship of her domestic virtue, of her righteous laws, and of her any way challenged or endangered honour.

 

A state without virtue, without laws and without honour, he is bound not to defend; nay, bound to redress by his own right hand that which he sees to be base in her. So sternly is this the law of nature and life, that a nation once utterly corrupt can only be redeemed by military despotism never by talking, not by its free effort.

 

And the health of any state consists simply in this; that in it, those who are wisest shall also be strongest; its rulers should be also its soldiers; or rather, by force of intellect more than of sword, its soldiers also its rulers."

 

Apart from that he loved my mom, me, good food, internet, and technology.

 

i love him with all my heart

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it's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning !!

http://gemworld.blogspot.com/  Fariha's Thoughts of the Day..

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Passing

my father passed away on this day of eid-e-milad-un-nabi... he went very peacefully being fully alert a few minutes before and then slowly going to sleep until he stopped breathing...

 

since his diagnosis on mar 16th, there wasnt a day when he complained of pain. he just got weak day by day but there was no pain.

 

i am happy he went as peacefully as he did. i am happy he went on a day as blessed as the birth & dead of our Holy Prophet (PBUH). i recall yesterday thinking what day Allah had chosen for Abus passing because i knew he was going.. and i didnt realize what day it was going to be today. i racked my brains for a blessed day or a significant day.. my anniversary or nanas barsi on may 18th.. on the way home from the hospital i suddenly noticed the green lights everywhere.. and when i got home at midnight my dadi jan asked me if i knew it was eid-e-milad-un-nabi and my heart just sank.. then i thought its ok..  the nights nearly over and Abu is fine..

 

i guess i forgot the islamic day doesnt end till dusk the next day.

 

so that was that.. abu went instructing me not to cry, to take care of ami, to turn up the volume on the hospital tv and put on national geographic.

 

he went very peacefully.. but i still need him and now i dont know what to do.

 

i am thankful to Allah for granting him such a peaceful passing and allowing him to meet all his family in pindi and lahore just a few days before his death.. i dont like Allah mian for taking him away from me right now and i dont know how to get over that anger..

 

May Allah mian grant abu a place in heaven and may he allow me to meet him once im there...

 

Princess of the GemWorld

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it's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning !!

http://gemworld.blogspot.com/  Fariha's Thoughts of the Day..

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end of the road

Sitting in a cafe in amsterdam. My father just got diagnosed with liver cancer. The specialists tell us to make him comfortable. They give us no hope. I am vaccilating between complete resignation to hopelessness and total faith in Allah's divinity. His love and his healing, which is infinite. I pray that he grants us a miracle even if its just to reiterate our powerlessness and his almightiness. Watever the reason. I pray for time. I pray for healing. I pray for comfort. Sometimes my faith falters and i fall into the depths of unfathomable despair. At others my faith is so strong that death becomes inconsequential. Its up to Allah to decide who wins this battle. People say its a test. I dont want to be tested. I dont want abu to be tested. i'll burn in hell if thats what it takes to not have to go through this test. I need Allah mian to grant us more time. Much more time. Abus hope and strength reign supreme. He says to me we'll fight this.. while all those around us surrender their arms. He continues to look for a solution to the problem, as he has always done to safeguard his family. His voice is hearty, though his body seems weak. What justice lies in this that one organs weakness can kill an entire healthy system. I need my father. I need him to teach my children what he taught me. I need him to teach them the patience i dont have. I need him to give them the love that is overflowing in him. I need him to say the azaan in their newlyborn ears. I need him soo much. Everytime i finish crying, i feel like i'll never cry again because there arent any tears left in me. But each time i discover im wrong. Mostly i feel numb, living one day at a time. I even derive some sense of control from work. Meeting deadlines, finalising decisions gives a false sense of control, whilst every second Allah reminds me that i have absolutely no power except what he wills me to have. No amount of resources or even determination can get us anywhere unless Allah ordains it. The skies in amsterdam cry with me as the rain sprinkles down from their depths. I need abu to guide me through my life. I feel like a child still. I dont feel grownup. I dont feel i can take on the world without my fathers wisdom guiding me. I need soo much time. I pray constantly. Even in my sleep. Its become a subconscious mantra. I wonder if God is listening

lifes on a tangent

why do we find it necessary to coin these funny subjects for all our posts..

Is it some misbegotten notion that people will be more inclined to reading it then. that IS misbegotten...

 

i just signed into flickr after a long time and found a bunch of comments on my pictures.. interesting.. photos are like poetry without words.. i think photos are more fun because people can carry their own interpretations rather than having ours imposed on them...

 

however, i do believe that photos must have a subject... they must have a statement attached otherwise they become mute.. and can be pushed around. thats not nice..

so i went and shopped around a bit on flickr myself... then i played around with msn spaces trying to utilize its true potential.. however i realized that nothing can replace blogspot and became slightly sad for all the pakistani bloggers that have been cut off from blogspot for hopefully a small duration..

 

so thats that... i go home now.. :)

 

Princess of the Gemworld

 

 

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Its one of those days

Its funny. i want to write in plain text and i cant find the button on yahoo mail. there seems to be no going back somehow to the old format. which is a great analogy for life. Theres no going back.

 

sometimes i wonder if we had that opportunity what would happen. i think every one would just go back to the childhood days and refuse to budge. thats the best of times. sigh.... it makes you wonder in retrospect what sadistic impulse may have swayed our lord almighty to give us the best in the beginning saving all the less than best stuff for later. and then to top it all off with a huge dollop of irony our lord made man coin the phrase "the best is yet to come".... yeah in which time zone...

 

Anyway the crux of the matter lies in the fact that man is an unhappy animal by nature... while woman is the happy one.. lol :) heheheh... i had to say that.. its women's day today apparently. nice. we get a whole day to ourselves. i guess that means the remaining 364 days belongs to man and other animals.. hows that for equal distribution...

 

i am rambling like i've never rambled before.. the uncertainty inherent in life coupled with the insecurity inherent in women is a potent combination. I'm surprised most of us manage to make it past the early teens considering how much stress we end up taking.

And now i've just been told that lunch will be late... AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH.... theres only so much torture my empty tummy can take.... aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh....

 

Princess of the GemWorld

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Blogs still alive and kicking - http://spaces.msn.com/gemworldfars/

if anyone cares to know i'm still posting to both sites.. blogspot and msn..

blogspot --> http://gemworld.blogspot.com

msn spaces --> http://spaces.msn.com/gemworldfars

i dont like it one bit... not to knock msn..

the good part is atleast i can still access blogger.. dammit.. whats the world coming to ..

this is just like when they shut down local production of pirated DVDs... its a horrible debilitating feeling...

I feel like a truck just hit me.. and its not just the blogspot block. I've had a fair amount of tea today resulting in overly frequent trips tudeloo... we had strawberries for lunch. and roast beef sandwiches from CTC (Coffee Tea & Co.). i'm trying to inject some semblance of reality in my life and open my eyes to the day but somehow it's eluded me so far..

the jacket i ordered at Calzoom has probably been sold by now to someone since its been three weeks and i still havent gone to pick it up.. my things to do list is either overburdened or non-existent... a pendulum which, you will agree, is not conducive to a productive environment.

one bright spot of achievement does light up my day.. my clean clear crisply organized file cabinet. after the last day long attempt on my part to kill everything that was redundent within its 6 walls, i can happily say i won the battle.. the war shall rage on long into the night...

i seriously want to just run away to a beautiful garden with trees and green leaves and sit on the grass and just stare at the sky and be blank. i want to just think think and think about nothing.. i want to attain that peace of mind that we have as children when the stars shine bright and the clouds are the wisps of fantasies borne out of our own imaginations.

I want to go to lawrence garden or jinnah garden.... hmmm.. i have just been told lawrence garden and jinnah garden are one and same.. fine... i want to go to both...

i want to pick up my jacket.. i want to go for a run today. i want to not overeat.. i want to feel alive..

Sigh i have to leave office before i can do all those things.. i think i'll go for a cup of tea.. alone..

tudeloo

Princess of the GemWorld

I cant believe they blocked blogger

I just cant believe this… my outrage at being blocked is mirrored by many others in the same situation.

 

There are several reasons behind my outrage.

 

Firstly I don’t think you can shut people up by blocking, house arresting, or lathi charging.

 

Secondly, the mob that put Lahore to fire in the first protest has in my estimation never even seen the cartoons. Online or otherwise. Even if they did 90% of them in my estimation wouldn’t understand english to the extent that they would be able to decipher the text. That mob wasn’t even religiously motivated since they ransacked general stores to steal household supplies and tried to rob banks on their merry route to freedom of expression against freedom of expression.

 

Thirdly, everyone who could have seen the toons online has in my estimation already seen them by now. So blocking entire servers because of one site is a too little too late and highly ridiculous response.

 

While its true that the uneducated, unenlightened, narrow human minds that exist in abundance don’t need any help going further down that route. However those that do retain some sense of "theres a whole big world out there" cant be expected to just sit back and swallow drivel shelled out by controlled media. They need to explore and learn and finally reach their own conclusions.

 

So heres a shout out to the echelons of power… let it be…

 

Princess of the GemWorld