I wake up everyday with a deep seated yearning in my soul. It runs deep.. into the darkest part of my being where no light has ever shone. I never went that far into my inner self before.. its like coming face to face with a stranger. I dont recognize the setting.. the place.. myself. Its as if i have never known my real self.. never known the depths or extent of emotion that i could experience.. as if my entire existence has been spent encased in a shell.. behind a wall.. numb.. safe.. from everyone and everything. Why would i change that?
Its not rational or logical.. both traits that i have always held in high regard. Thats when the awareness dawns.. this other part of me has no relation to logic, rationality.. or even reality. Its like a strange new realm in my soul.. a new dominion screaming to be explored.. but demanding a sacrifice.. as always. A sacrifice that requires an outright rejection of all that i held to be true thus far.. and its been a long thus far. A sacrifice requiring tears of blood.. for it would have the power to rip away everything.. no more status quo.. no certainty.. no going through the motions anymore.
It would herald a new era of experiencing the world.. destroyed from the ground up.. decimated in the process of birth of this new realm.. a realm which i would have to spend the time i have left in this life building brick by brick. The questions abound.. is it worth it..? An ephemeral moment of unlimited joyous celebration of life.. tasting the very fibre of existence so fully that it explodes out of every atom that comprises your soul.. waking up to possibilities heretofore unexplored and unexperienced.. being whole.. free.. immune to judgement.. however, carrying the risk of being a nomad in the physical realm of reality.. of losing all that ever cared in any form and not gaining anyone that would last forever.. isnt forever supposed to be forever? Why isnt it?
I understand now, as i pull out of this secret part of my soul, why immortality was not granted by the Almighty. Its his mercy to release our souls from the pain of existential want imposed upon us by nature.. cest la vie.. #sunrise