Friday, May 19, 2006

of cabbages & kings

no i dont know why thats the subject line..
 
i have had various interesting discussions today... life is interesting..
 
im in lahore. the hub of stagnant air, and good food. my familys in khi. i miss my mother.. i miss lahore too when im not around..
 
after being unceremoniously kicked out of my prior office space, i have now taken residence in borrowed space and am waiting for someone to kick me out of there as well.
i like cabbages. its suddenly turned in to one of my favorite vegetables. i dont know why
 
we went to the minigolf yesterday night. it was strawberry juice, aaloo kachoris, chai & good company. its the best combination. Also since the aandhi & toofan the night was ok and not blistering hot, so i actually had a decent happy time. you cant do this in Khi. you'd end up sweating buckets and buckets. so thats not fun.
 
i like typing on my laptop keyboard. its soft. and quietly clicky. not overt like the larger keyboards. keyboards can also be a cause of inpiration. if you dont like typing on one you wont be able to write.
 
i think i'm developing allergies. sometimes i feel like i cant breathe. its a funny feeling. i think its because im not exercising and need to seriously take some action. seriously. no i really mean it. i had trouble sleeping yesterday night because i think i had pent up energy and i basically am dormant at my desk all freaking day long. i read this article the other day about something thrombosis. basically it means that sedentary work situations lead to the development of clots in the blood which leads to.. well six feet under to put it succintly.
 
how am i supposed to deal with all these varied symptoms and causes. its a scary proposition. but i really like my laptops keyboard.. mashallah.. mashallah...
 
i like my work. i like my workplace. i like the people. i like my home and the people there. i dont know what Allah Mian has in store for the future. But mashallah right now i feel safe and protected both at home and work. its a blessing knowing good people. its a blessing i will never forget to thank Allah Mian for.
 
I miss abu. today is a friday. he always called on fridays... "assalamalaikum beta.. kya plans hain.. aa rahey ho?".. and i always used to say "jee abu.. raat ko".. "acha acha.. chalo we'll see you tomorrow"..
he never missed a call.. sometimes he used to call a day early on thursday just to be on the safe side..
does it ever stop hurting.. i guess not... sigh...
 
i still have no fluidity in my life. im still rattling back and forth between punjab and sindh. and im doing it by choice.. it helps me not think. its distracting and slightly tiring and both those things are acceptable as long as i can sleep at night. i am still waiting for life to start making sense again.. when i lived in khi earlier.. there was no formula.. but now i need to be more organized.. the whole balance exercise will well and truly be required now. and i frankly and too disorganized on a personal level to achieve it currently. working from home has translated to checking my email 24/7 365.. i dont think thats the right approach either.. but somehow it helps me keep a semblance of control. when the work gets done, its like closing a chapter.. i guess im looking for closure in some form or the other...
 
but i like punjab... :) and sindh :) i love life.. i love food.. i love good people .. i love my friends.. i love my family.. i love people who care about the humanity of other vs their tag value.. i love Allah mian.. and Allah mian loves me... i cant ask for much else..
i hope he keeps my family and my friends safe and in his keeping.. inshallah life will always be a bubbling stream and not raging oceans..
 
Princess of the GemWorld


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Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:
Outside Pakistan just type http://gemworld.blogspot.com

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Monday, May 15, 2006

rememberance

we went through all the clothes today. i nearly stopped breathing so it wouldnt register. sometimes when you dont breathe it feels like nothing will affect your memory because you're restricting oxygen in your brain and then you stop feeling stuff. all his ties.. his uniform with the emblems and the medals all intact. all the shirts id bought him.. the kurtas.. some so new he'd never had a chance to wear them after haj..
 
ami and him had had so many plans.. everything was "we'll do this after haj"... ami is so sad... i cant even begin to feel the sense of loss that she feels..
one of abus staff from his national guard days called today.. he cried on the phone.. and told ami abu was a wonderful wonderful man and that he even used to go to DHA to meet him and he really looked up to him. he said abu really love his daughter and was always talking about her.. i felt like ... u know what i felt like. i am so thankful to Allah mian that i knew exactly how much my father loved me.. many people never find out these things till its too late.. but i knew... every single day that i lived i knew exactly how much... abu never failed to tell me how much ..
in his last few days after EVERY SINGLE phone call he would end with i love you janu.. i love you beta.. every single call. he knew.. he knew.. yet even one day before his death he still asked did you call china.. i now realize that he wasnt asking for himself.. he was asking for us.. so WE wouldnt feel like he had given up.. but he knew..
i dont think i will ever stop remembering him.. loving him or writing about him...
 
i think every single one of my blogs from now on will be an ode to my father..
i love him and miss him so very much..


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Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:
Outside Pakistan just type http://gemworld.blogspot.com

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Sunday, May 07, 2006

its finally over

my life is over. its finally over. its come to a head and its shattered into a million peices. my life is finally over.
we're all born with a shadow over our heads. its a shadow that protects. its a shadow that envelops with love and warmth and never lets us feel alone.
my shadow was my father. and hes gone. hes taken it all with him. my life is finally over.
its funny when at 28 you suddenly realize that life is over and from now on each day will be a hard sun scorching you with its heat with no reprieve till you die and go under.
i will never see my father again. i accept that truth. i will never see my father again because the people in this world dont let me stay good and polite. they make my blood boil and make me lose my cool and i know Allah Mian doesnt like that. i will never see my father again. even death has now lost its appeal with that fact in mind.
at this very moment in existence i have no reason to live and i have no reason to die. its the most contradictory reality i have ever had to face.
i dont want sympathy. i dont want unsolicited advice. i dont want false tears being shed to show how sorry people are. their lives will go on. my life is over.
i dont want anything from anyone. no one will ever ruffle my hair again.. no one will ever buy me three ice cream cones in one go. no one will ever wake up in the middle of the night to take me to the airport. no one will ever come to the airport to pick me up and be there waiting with a warm smile on their face ever again. from now on it'll all be metro cabbing and me alone in a sea full of strangers.
i dont have anyone to love me unconditionally anymore. only my father knew the meaning of that emotion. everyone else has an objective. my life is over..
i was happy... for a brief moment in time i was happy again as i had been in my childhood. now i have no room for mistakes and no room for failure... which means i'll will experience both.. my life is over...
i thought i'd live til 60. now i know i wont. sunday 7th of May 2006. let this be known as the day i truly died. i may not have a tombstone. i may not have a grave. my body may still wander the earth aimlessly trying to find nourishment and shelter in the unforgiving harsh heat of the world.. but this is the reality of my life now.. As Allah Gives, so does he take away...
 

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Tuesday, May 02, 2006

reality

i keep expecting him to come back home..
when i suddenly realize that he wont my heart feels like it will burst out of my chest and die..
i keep feeling like he's gone to get some groceries or for some work. in the first few days the illusion remained.. now its starting to come apart at the seams.. along with my threadbare hold on my tears..
i dont know what to do anymore.. i want to just curl up and die.. i keep thinking that when i die i'll be able to see him again.. to hug him and feel protected... but i dont even know if Allah mian will let me do that.. i dont even know if Allah mian will send me to heaven.. and i know that's where abu has gone.. because whatever his little foibles.. his goodness far exceeded everything else..
we got a letter from Chitral.. from a gentleman who used to be his PA and stenographer.. it brought tears to my eyes.. abu was so well loved by everyone who came into his sphere.. it was because he cared so much..
i have none of his patience.. i can only hope that Allah mian lets me see him again because of his own goodness, because i dont think mine will amount to much..
people keep telling me to be brave and do sabar.. after a while it all turns into one long drone.. and you just end up nodding without really hearing..
will it ever stop hurting...


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Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:
Outside Pakistan just type http://gemworld.blogspot.com

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