Tuesday, June 20, 2006

introspection

there hasnt been a second in a day that i havent thought of abu. every living breathing moment i think of him. i dont know wether i think of him so i dont forget or because i cant forget. i dont want to forget. that would be more painful that remembering..
 
i remember every moment, especially in the last three weeks.. every expression.. every word.. every sigh.. it kills me.. when i think of his face when the first doctor snatched away all hope.. it killed me.. when i saw him staring at the doctors face yearning for a slim wisp of hope and it didnt come.. i wanted to hit the first one..
it killed me when he turned to me in the car after one of his blood tests and told me that we will fight this.. i want to live to see my grand children he said.. i cried tears of blood that day.. because i knew.. but i hoped and i prayed like no one else for a miracle.. i prayed to god to use abu as a miraculous example of his Almightiness but Allah didnt need to prove any thing .. least of all to me..
 
i remember his last breath.. i remember his hope down to the last day.. and i know that his hope was there for our benefit.. he was at peace with himself and his life..
 
i dont think i'll ever stop crying.. i dont know if i can.. i miss him sooo much.. it hurts every day.. every single day..
 
i find myself zoning out in the middle of conversations and my own thoughts.. i start remembering at the slightest provocation.. i keep looking for remnants of his qualities in the people around me.. but no one can measure up to the man that was my father.. he was sweet and soft and yet tough to shelter his family.. he was so well read and so knowledgeable yet he still retained his sense of childlike wonder with everything from a new show on National Geographic to a new software or online service like google earth..
 
he loved me.. unselfishly... for no other reason but because i was me.. he never wanted anything from me except for me to be happy and he gave me soo much.. i cant forget..
 
i wont forget.. and i'll cry every now and then because thats what people do when they suffer an irreparable loss..
 
i feel so self righteous. i expect constant sympathy from everyone around me.. friend or stranger.. i want people on the street to stop and say they are sorry for my loss just so i can stare them in the face and feel numb... im going through every living breathing moment feeling sorry for myself.. i feel so wronged.. and i feel so detached.. sometimes i think this couldnt be happening to me.. things like these always happen to other people.. no one's father just dies in 3 weeks after being healthy all his life..
i keep feeling like i deserve all the sympathy the world has to give and more just because my father was my father and my loss is the worlds loss.. its a loss for those who knew him for they loved him and its a loss for those who didnt because they really missed out on something in their lives and they'll never have a chance to know it now..
 
i was in defence market with ami and at the Bismillah Milk Corner, the sales guy recognized abus car and gave us extra malai because abu always used to get extra for nani.. and as we were leaving this traffic constable pulled up on his motorbike and paid his respects and said that abu was a wonderful man and very very good and always would be helping other people wether he knew them or not... the other day one of the rent a car drivers told me how he and his son used to go to abu when abu was in DHA and how much he helped them...
 
so many people came to us and cried in our home because abu had touched their lives in some way.. it makes him seem more alive when we hear them.
 
i went through another one of my phases where i stared at the streets of new york and just wondered what the hell the purpose of life was all about.. i remembered 1997 when abu ami and i had tripped along all over manhattan and seen the city.. that was abus first international trip... his second and last was to makkah and madina for haj... for a man who loved to travel sooo much.. he only left Pakistan twice.. but he saw the whole world through National Geographic..
 
i feel so scared sometimes because hes gone.. i can feel him when i remember the last days when i hugged him.. in the TV lounge i just put my head on his chest and just held him.. i knew i was making a memory at that time.. i just never thought time was as short as 3 weeks.. no one thought that.. it was unfathomable..
 
i dont know if i'll ever get over this.. if i'll ever be able to go 2 minutes without a glimmer of remembrance for my wonderful wonderful father.. if the rock solid lump in my throat will ever really disappear.. its been 2 months and so far its still there.. sometimes it hurts so much because i cant just burst into tears every where i go.. sometimes.. i wonder if im clinically depressed...
 
i have my wonderful happy moments.. its only when i'm alone that i give in to the waves of sadness that engulf me.. when im around people i draw on their energy to give to me strength.. i actively look for reasons to laugh out loud.. and then i feel guilty about it.. i keep feeling like i should always be sad.. like its the respect i owe to his memory.. but my father told me not to cry after he was gone... he told me to take care of ami and not to cry..
 
i will never stop... i love him and miss him and will always always remember him.. no matter how old i get.. or how busy my life becomes.. my father will always be a sanctuary for me.. his memories will always give me strength inspite of the tears.. there will come a day when i may write about something other than my loss..
 
time is short.. appreciate what you have today...
 
Princess of the GemWorld


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Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:
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