Saturday, July 06, 2002

Reciprocity

in a perfect world the following would be a practice... at the moment its just a thought...

i personally tried it.. still do it.. but somehow it makes the people around you think of u as a clueless doormat.. which isn't quite the truth..
i always thought that u should give as good as you get.. and it would work both ways.. but it doesn't.. half the time people screw you over just for the heck of it.. because they think you're a doofus for being so freaking nice to them..
even the best of the best do it ... totally screw you over cause they think u wont do anything about it.. and who are we kidding.. i know i wont.. why the hell should i anyway...
stooping to the lowness of their despicable depths is really not my cup of tea.. or slice of cake.. so i never do anything..
plus which i hate confrontations... and i never lose my temper.. in a way leading to the mental state described by Meg Ryan in French Kiss...
"fester fester fester... rot rot rot"..
besidz which it way too much effort... God.. the amount of energy required to get back at people is immense.. and i seriously cant be bothered to jeapardize my happy-go-lucky (generally) frame of mind to actually go to these lengths..
so i simply do a heartfelt inna-lillah... roll my eyes to the heaven..
and ask God.. the eternal question ..."what the hell was that ?"

maybe honesty isn't what all its cracked up to be.. it can stink sometimes.. i mean how do u tell a friend that they are excruciatingly rude obnoxious unfeeling selfish and self centered... its the damn
truth... but u cant really say it can you..
especially when you know them so well that you can even predict the expression on their faces when u tell them.. u can predict the train of thoughts running through their heads.. you can predict the reaction your words will elicit... so what you do is that you stay silent.. take it in stride.. put on some burnol and hope to God it doesn't sting....

and then u slowly close the door and refuse to let any more of the shit in.. who wants a second chance anyway..
but that seems so freaking unfair.,.. that they will never know the truth... they will will get away with screwing you over... regardless of how minutely.. the fact that it happened may always haunt you.. the fact that you took the easy route.. or the high road.. whatever... may not be so much of a comfort...

whats right ,.. whats correct... what does God want...
can we actually be the nice people that we are and live peacefully.. it seems impossible since in order for that to happen the person in front of you has to have the same sentiments... of the burial ground.. and mostly people tend NOT to think of graves when making friends.,..
must we make the distinction and be nasty when required.. is that courage or mere viciousness...
what is the truth...
why cant i smile at everyone and be nice and leave it at that.. why do i have to worry about them taking advantage of me or whatever the hell it is.. i mean if someone asks me for a favor .. and i do it without thinking twice simply because ufff.. mera kya jaa raha hai.. its in my power to help someone why cant i just do that without people coming and telling me i am being taken advantage of...
why cant my friends realize their own boundaries and not cross them..
there are lines.. albeit dim.. but very much there.. why does every thing have to revolve around one person.. how can a human being harbor such misconceptions for so long.. how can they be so oblivious to the feelings of the people around them.. how can their conquests and wants be paramount... ALWAYS... how is such selfishness even possible... or forgivable...
and why the fudge do i keep on ignoring these things.. why... is it because i'm trying to be nice... blase.. or maybe i just plain don't care...
i cant figure it out....
*deep breath*

*chuckle* so ...  u thought i had issues huh ?
i don't have issues.. i cant remember things long enough to have issues.. but people shouldn't try to mess with me because i greet them with a smile ... because i make a conscious effort to be nice.. because i try not to make fun of them and leave their izzat alone..
i;m not that nice... i just exhibit a lot of self-control...
had four years of practice dealing with idiots of all kinds in cbm.. and i've learned one thing....

it doesn't matter... it just doesn't... at the end of the day.. its you and God almighty.. that's it.. so you shouldn't lower yourself to get back at others,.., and you shouldn't ever forget the person you are...
share good stuff with your nearest and dearest ..not every new person on the street . ... if god wanted your achievements to be shoved down other peoples throats he'd put a neon sign on top of your head..
don't make everything about yourself... dammit... sometimes its someone else's story.. leave them be.,.. i need to work on this one myself.. but thank god i;m way better than most ...
dont think every single person you meet should be your best friend or in love with you,  don't make that a milestone you must achieve in all your encounters.. whether old or new... there isn't a more ridiculous approach to life.. and for Christ's sake .. grow up..
remember not everyone is a friend... its a gut feeling that tells you who is and who isn't... listen to your heart.. it wont ever lie...
use your brain as little as possible.. the brain is an assumptive idiot and has no soul... it plays out multiple scenarios and helps you run yourself down for no reason.. logic is the death of all things
beautiful.... ( fine fine.. that was a bit extreme)
your friends are your friends.. their friends are theirs... don't mix the circles.. it will lead to chaos.... it has.. it does.. it always will....

trying to find a book.. Bend Sinister by nabokov...

take care

my eternal optimism is something that i will never let go off.. no matter how many lows i manage to dump myself in :)
see its like i always say... life is simple.. its us humans who complicate things..

Ah

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it's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by
bolts of lightning


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