Wednesday, January 31, 2007

I want to do nothing.
 
i want to be a nothing.
 
i want to cease to exist as an entity that requires food and nourishment or has responsibilities.
 
I want to be free of any sense of urgency, or stress.
 
i want to do nothing.
 
i want to just live... and die.
 
i want to go to heaven in the end.
 
i dont think thats an unreasonable request.
 
If i do nothing, i cant do anything wrong. hence everything would be right.. which equates to heaven.
 
i want to go to heaven and be with abu and thats it.
 
i want to do nothing else.
 
i am done.
 
i have nothing further i want to do.
 
except see rome. but i can live without that if i have to. i'll see it from above the clouds after im in heaven with abu. aerial views are better anyway.
 
i am tired now. i feel old and worn out. mentally and physically. i can keep deluding myself into thinking theres more to life and living, but it would be a delusion.
 
i am done. enough. now i want to do nothing.
 
but i want my data files, a computer and an internet connection. i guess thats not quite nothing.
 
why am i such a paradoxical being?
do i like confusing people?
do i derive some kind of sadistic pleasure out of it?
 
im not a sadistic person. i just want to do nothing. i'd like to exist in a bubble.
which never bursts. is that too much to ask?
 
i just want to feel protected and secure and at ease and safe and at peace.
 
i can be happy that way. i have nothing left to prove or any desire to prove it.
 
i know im good. i know im fragmented. its a legacy from abu. we have thought progression at the speed of light. i believe they call it ADT in todays fancy terms. Attention Deficit Disorder. i have a medical condition that has been officially diagnosed in other parts of the world. Here they call it being de-focused. or disrespectful.
 
i miss abu. my sanctuary. my safe haven from all the wrongs. my definition of all thats right. i could hug him and life would be filled with sunshine and daisies.. and everything would be hunky dory..
 
i dont want anything now. i dont want recognition and progression and success. i need money for meeting sustenance needs, but Allah mian should direct wire transfer that to my bank account.
 
i want to do nothing.
 
The end.
 
Princess of the GemWorld


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Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:
GoogleName: GemWorld Fars


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Friday, January 12, 2007

cold days and hot showers

KHi is fine. in my estimation its still cold. im trying to be regular in my aerobic classes. run into soofia there sometimes. it'll take me atleast 10 years before i can even dream of being that fit.
 
i keep looking forward to piping hot water in the shower. when i go to LHR i usually loose all interest in showering at all. too damn cold. its a good thing most of trips one day trips. ive been eating smoked chicken and smoked cheese that i had brought over for me from dubai. i have a sandwich of that every day, twice a day. other wise i just had a bun kabab.. well half a bun kabab that my receptionist had bought for lunch. he had an extra one. :)
 
i went to sunday bazaar this sunday and bought two chicken suits, peach and pink. i called sara if she wanted to come but her cute little one had the flu systems so she was tending to him. so i went home to amis, had qeema sawaiyaan and then went to sunday bazaar with them. i had a plate of dahi bara with aaloo and chutney yumm.. i find myself craving dahi bara aaloo papri chat all the time. the other day i went to aerobics and on the way back i made faisal stop at chatkharey and i had that.
 
my legal troubles are in full swing. ive sent all the paperwork and am following up diligently with both citibank and union which is now standard chartered. geez. lets see if they end up taking me to court over this. life can only get so interesting yes.
 
i hate credit card companies. but i so far like Alfalah. They have been very good to me so far and their service is very good.
 
still doing the regular DHA & DAD works follow ups. Its a good thing i have a job and am not strapped for cash to put food on the table everyday. otherwise legal process takes a lifetime. 
 
sigh sigh.. i like cold weather but somehow im feeling colder than usual these days and thats not fun. 
 
ok.. catch you guyz later. ive lost interest and have nothing more to say. 
 
cheerios
Princess of the GemWorld 
 
 


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Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:
GoogleName: GemWorld Fars


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