Thursday, April 13, 2006

my father

As i answered one of the condolence messages from one of my far flung friends, i mentioned that i was sure that baba was very happy in heaven and had already started making structural improvements and having a lively dialogue with God and Gallileo...
 
i wasnt joking... abu is the consummate Kaizen practitioner. Continuous improvements ideas for every thing from water supply networks to governmental reform to the state of my hairstyle, would be running in his mind at the speed of light.
 
he is an exceptionally intelligent person and his capacity for absorbing and retaining information is absolutely immense and mindblowing. There isnt a subject in the world that he cant have an informed and passionate discussion about.
 
But baba never loses his cool. he is a thorough gentleman and courteous to the core.
 
on sunday we got him an oxygen tank. he didnt feel it was giving oxygen with enough pressure. he made me and faisal take him at 12:30am midnight to the edhi centre office at tower so he could check the cylinder out himself. we called them first and while i was talking to the technical support gentleman abu is insisting that i ask him his name. because thats the courteous thing to do... :) even at that time politeness and courtesy was a lesson he wanted me to remember.. my father insisted on talking to the technical support guy whose name was Ramzan, and was asking him what effect does oxygen have on the body, what should a person feel. Poor Ramzan was thoroughly confused and asked if he could speak to the patient, at which abu boomed out that he WAS the patient. I think Ramzan was stunned into silence.
 
We went and got the cylinder changed :)
 
on Monday afternoon we took him to the hospital. he loved it. the quiet peacefullness of the executive room. he took one look at the Split and said the filter was dirty. so now he's insisting to the technical support guy that the hospital was being charged a higher electricity bill because the filter was dirty. the poor guy was trying to explain that only the vents had some dirt but the filter was cleaned every week, but baba wasnt happy until he made the guy take out the filter and show it to him.
 
he had an entire conversation with khala where he redesigned the hospital bed for added comfort. he said the bed at home was lumpy and the bed at hospital wasnt the right angle and totally redesigned the bed and how it SHOULD be...
 
One of baba's favorite passages was by John Ruskin. He liked it so much he even kept a printed copy with him all the time and he would quote it as often as possible.
 
"You are not true soldiers, if you only mean to stand at a shop door, to protect the shop-boys who are cheating inside. A soldier's vow to his country is that he will die for the guardianship of her domestic virtue, of her righteous laws, and of her any way challenged or endangered honour.
 
A state without virtue, without laws and without honour, he is bound not to defend; nay, bound to redress by his own right hand that which he sees to be base in her. So sternly is this the law of nature and life, that a nation once utterly corrupt can only be redeemed by military despotism never by talking, not by its free effort.
 
And the health of any state consists simply in this; that in it, those who are wisest shall also be strongest; its rulers should be also its soldiers; or rather, by force of intellect more than of sword, its soldiers also its rulers."
 
Apart from that he loved my mom, me, good food, internet, and technology.
 
i love him with all my heart


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it's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning !!

http://gemworld.blogspot.com/  Fariha's Thoughts of the Day..


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Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Passing

my father passed away on this day of eid-e-milad-un-nabi... he went very peacefully being fully alert a few minutes before and then slowly going to sleep until he stopped breathing...
 
since his diagnosis on mar 16th, there wasnt a day when he complained of pain. he just got weak day by day but there was no pain.
 
i am happy he went as peacefully as he did. i am happy he went on a day as blessed as the birth & dead of our Holy Prophet (PBUH). i recall yesterday thinking what day Allah had chosen for Abus passing because i knew he was going.. and i didnt realize what day it was going to be today. i racked my brains for a blessed day or a significant day.. my anniversary or nanas barsi on may 18th.. on the way home from the hospital i suddenly noticed the green lights everywhere.. and when i got home at midnight my dadi jan asked me if i knew it was eid-e-milad-un-nabi and my heart just sank.. then i thought its ok..  the nights nearly over and Abu is fine..
 
i guess i forgot the islamic day doesnt end till dusk the next day.
 
so that was that.. abu went instructing me not to cry, to take care of ami, to turn up the volume on the hospital tv and put on national geographic.
 
he went very peacefully.. but i still need him and now i dont know what to do.
 
i am thankful to Allah for granting him such a peaceful passing and allowing him to meet all his family in pindi and lahore just a few days before his death.. i dont like Allah mian for taking him away from me right now and i dont know how to get over that anger..
 
May Allah mian grant abu a place in heaven and may he allow me to meet him once im there...
 
Princess of the GemWorld


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********************************************************************************************

it's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning !!

http://gemworld.blogspot.com/  Fariha's Thoughts of the Day..


Love cheap thrills? Enjoy PC-to-Phone calls to 30+ countries for just 2¢/min with Yahoo! Messenger with Voice.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

end of the road

Sitting in a cafe in amsterdam. My father just got diagnosed with liver cancer. The specialists tell us to make him comfortable. They give us no hope. I am vaccilating between complete resignation to hopelessness and total faith in Allah's divinity. His love and his healing, which is infinite. I pray that he grants us a miracle even if its just to reiterate our powerlessness and his almightiness. Watever the reason. I pray for time. I pray for healing. I pray for comfort. Sometimes my faith falters and i fall into the depths of unfathomable despair. At others my faith is so strong that death becomes inconsequential. Its up to Allah to decide who wins this battle. People say its a test. I dont want to be tested. I dont want abu to be tested. i'll burn in hell if thats what it takes to not have to go through this test. I need Allah mian to grant us more time. Much more time. Abus hope and strength reign supreme. He says to me we'll fight this.. while all those around us surrender their arms. He continues to look for a solution to the problem, as he has always done to safeguard his family. His voice is hearty, though his body seems weak. What justice lies in this that one organs weakness can kill an entire healthy system. I need my father. I need him to teach my children what he taught me. I need him to teach them the patience i dont have. I need him to give them the love that is overflowing in him. I need him to say the azaan in their newlyborn ears. I need him soo much. Everytime i finish crying, i feel like i'll never cry again because there arent any tears left in me. But each time i discover im wrong. Mostly i feel numb, living one day at a time. I even derive some sense of control from work. Meeting deadlines, finalising decisions gives a false sense of control, whilst every second Allah reminds me that i have absolutely no power except what he wills me to have. No amount of resources or even determination can get us anywhere unless Allah ordains it. The skies in amsterdam cry with me as the rain sprinkles down from their depths. I need abu to guide me through my life. I feel like a child still. I dont feel grownup. I dont feel i can take on the world without my fathers wisdom guiding me. I need soo much time. I pray constantly. Even in my sleep. Its become a subconscious mantra. I wonder if God is listening