end of the road

Sitting in a cafe in amsterdam. My father just got diagnosed with liver cancer. The specialists tell us to make him comfortable. They give us no hope. I am vaccilating between complete resignation to hopelessness and total faith in Allah's divinity. His love and his healing, which is infinite. I pray that he grants us a miracle even if its just to reiterate our powerlessness and his almightiness. Watever the reason. I pray for time. I pray for healing. I pray for comfort. Sometimes my faith falters and i fall into the depths of unfathomable despair. At others my faith is so strong that death becomes inconsequential. Its up to Allah to decide who wins this battle. People say its a test. I dont want to be tested. I dont want abu to be tested. i'll burn in hell if thats what it takes to not have to go through this test. I need Allah mian to grant us more time. Much more time. Abus hope and strength reign supreme. He says to me we'll fight this.. while all those around us surrender their arms. He continues to look for a solution to the problem, as he has always done to safeguard his family. His voice is hearty, though his body seems weak. What justice lies in this that one organs weakness can kill an entire healthy system. I need my father. I need him to teach my children what he taught me. I need him to teach them the patience i dont have. I need him to give them the love that is overflowing in him. I need him to say the azaan in their newlyborn ears. I need him soo much. Everytime i finish crying, i feel like i'll never cry again because there arent any tears left in me. But each time i discover im wrong. Mostly i feel numb, living one day at a time. I even derive some sense of control from work. Meeting deadlines, finalising decisions gives a false sense of control, whilst every second Allah reminds me that i have absolutely no power except what he wills me to have. No amount of resources or even determination can get us anywhere unless Allah ordains it. The skies in amsterdam cry with me as the rain sprinkles down from their depths. I need abu to guide me through my life. I feel like a child still. I dont feel grownup. I dont feel i can take on the world without my fathers wisdom guiding me. I need soo much time. I pray constantly. Even in my sleep. Its become a subconscious mantra. I wonder if God is listening