Realm of the Soul: rememberance

Monday, May 15, 2006

rememberance

we went through all the clothes today. i nearly stopped breathing so it wouldnt register. sometimes when you dont breathe it feels like nothing will affect your memory because you're restricting oxygen in your brain and then you stop feeling stuff. all his ties.. his uniform with the emblems and the medals all intact. all the shirts id bought him.. the kurtas.. some so new he'd never had a chance to wear them after haj..

ami and him had had so many plans.. everything was "we'll do this after haj"... ami is so sad... i cant even begin to feel the sense of loss that she feels..

one of abus staff from his national guard days called today.. he cried on the phone.. and told ami abu was a wonderful wonderful man and that he even used to go to DHA to meet him and he really looked up to him. he said abu really love his daughter and was always talking about her.. i felt like ... u know what i felt like. i am so thankful to Allah mian that i knew exactly how much my father loved me.. many people never find out these things till its too late.. but i knew... every single day that i lived i knew exactly how much... abu never failed to tell me how much ..

in his last few days after EVERY SINGLE phone call he would end with i love you janu.. i love you beta.. every single call. he knew.. he knew.. yet even one day before his death he still asked did you call china.. i now realize that he wasnt asking for himself.. he was asking for us.. so WE wouldnt feel like he had given up.. but he knew..

i dont think i will ever stop remembering him.. loving him or writing about him...

i think every single one of my blogs from now on will be an ode to my father..

i love him and miss him so very much..

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