its finally over

my life is over. its finally over. its come to a head and its shattered into a million peices. my life is finally over.

we're all born with a shadow over our heads. its a shadow that protects. its a shadow that envelops with love and warmth and never lets us feel alone.

my shadow was my father. and hes gone. hes taken it all with him. my life is finally over.

its funny when at 28 you suddenly realize that life is over and from now on each day will be a hard sun scorching you with its heat with no reprieve till you die and go under.

i will never see my father again. i accept that truth. i will never see my father again because the people in this world dont let me stay good and polite. they make my blood boil and make me lose my cool and i know Allah Mian doesnt like that. i will never see my father again. even death has now lost its appeal with that fact in mind.

at this very moment in existence i have no reason to live and i have no reason to die. its the most contradictory reality i have ever had to face.

i dont want sympathy. i dont want unsolicited advice. i dont want false tears being shed to show how sorry people are. their lives will go on. my life is over.

i dont want anything from anyone. no one will ever ruffle my hair again.. no one will ever buy me three ice cream cones in one go. no one will ever wake up in the middle of the night to take me to the airport. no one will ever come to the airport to pick me up and be there waiting with a warm smile on their face ever again. from now on it'll all be metro cabbing and me alone in a sea full of strangers.

i dont have anyone to love me unconditionally anymore. only my father knew the meaning of that emotion. everyone else has an objective. my life is over..

i was happy... for a brief moment in time i was happy again as i had been in my childhood. now i have no room for mistakes and no room for failure... which means i'll will experience both.. my life is over...

i thought i'd live til 60. now i know i wont. sunday 7th of May 2006. let this be known as the day i truly died. i may not have a tombstone. i may not have a grave. my body may still wander the earth aimlessly trying to find nourishment and shelter in the unforgiving harsh heat of the world.. but this is the reality of my life now.. As Allah Gives, so does he take away...

 

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