introspection

there hasnt been a second in a day that i havent thought of abu. every living breathing moment i think of him. i dont know wether i think of him so i dont forget or because i cant forget. i dont want to forget. that would be more painful that remembering..

 

i remember every moment, especially in the last three weeks.. every expression.. every word.. every sigh.. it kills me.. when i think of his face when the first doctor snatched away all hope.. it killed me.. when i saw him staring at the doctors face yearning for a slim wisp of hope and it didnt come.. i wanted to hit the first one..

it killed me when he turned to me in the car after one of his blood tests and told me that we will fight this.. i want to live to see my grand children he said.. i cried tears of blood that day.. because i knew.. but i hoped and i prayed like no one else for a miracle.. i prayed to god to use abu as a miraculous example of his Almightiness but Allah didnt need to prove any thing .. least of all to me..

 

i remember his last breath.. i remember his hope down to the last day.. and i know that his hope was there for our benefit.. he was at peace with himself and his life..

 

i dont think i'll ever stop crying.. i dont know if i can.. i miss him sooo much.. it hurts every day.. every single day..

 

i find myself zoning out in the middle of conversations and my own thoughts.. i start remembering at the slightest provocation.. i keep looking for remnants of his qualities in the people around me.. but no one can measure up to the man that was my father.. he was sweet and soft and yet tough to shelter his family.. he was so well read and so knowledgeable yet he still retained his sense of childlike wonder with everything from a new show on National Geographic to a new software or online service like google earth..

 

he loved me.. unselfishly... for no other reason but because i was me.. he never wanted anything from me except for me to be happy and he gave me soo much.. i cant forget..

 

i wont forget.. and i'll cry every now and then because thats what people do when they suffer an irreparable loss..

 

i feel so self righteous. i expect constant sympathy from everyone around me.. friend or stranger.. i want people on the street to stop and say they are sorry for my loss just so i can stare them in the face and feel numb... im going through every living breathing moment feeling sorry for myself.. i feel so wronged.. and i feel so detached.. sometimes i think this couldnt be happening to me.. things like these always happen to other people.. no one's father just dies in 3 weeks after being healthy all his life..

i keep feeling like i deserve all the sympathy the world has to give and more just because my father was my father and my loss is the worlds loss.. its a loss for those who knew him for they loved him and its a loss for those who didnt because they really missed out on something in their lives and they'll never have a chance to know it now..

 

i was in defence market with ami and at the Bismillah Milk Corner, the sales guy recognized abus car and gave us extra malai because abu always used to get extra for nani.. and as we were leaving this traffic constable pulled up on his motorbike and paid his respects and said that abu was a wonderful man and very very good and always would be helping other people wether he knew them or not... the other day one of the rent a car drivers told me how he and his son used to go to abu when abu was in DHA and how much he helped them...

 

so many people came to us and cried in our home because abu had touched their lives in some way.. it makes him seem more alive when we hear them.

 

i went through another one of my phases where i stared at the streets of new york and just wondered what the hell the purpose of life was all about.. i remembered 1997 when abu ami and i had tripped along all over manhattan and seen the city.. that was abus first international trip... his second and last was to makkah and madina for haj... for a man who loved to travel sooo much.. he only left Pakistan twice.. but he saw the whole world through National Geographic..

 

i feel so scared sometimes because hes gone.. i can feel him when i remember the last days when i hugged him.. in the TV lounge i just put my head on his chest and just held him.. i knew i was making a memory at that time.. i just never thought time was as short as 3 weeks.. no one thought that.. it was unfathomable..

 

i dont know if i'll ever get over this.. if i'll ever be able to go 2 minutes without a glimmer of remembrance for my wonderful wonderful father.. if the rock solid lump in my throat will ever really disappear.. its been 2 months and so far its still there.. sometimes it hurts so much because i cant just burst into tears every where i go.. sometimes.. i wonder if im clinically depressed...

 

i have my wonderful happy moments.. its only when i'm alone that i give in to the waves of sadness that engulf me.. when im around people i draw on their energy to give to me strength.. i actively look for reasons to laugh out loud.. and then i feel guilty about it.. i keep feeling like i should always be sad.. like its the respect i owe to his memory.. but my father told me not to cry after he was gone... he told me to take care of ami and not to cry..

 

i will never stop... i love him and miss him and will always always remember him.. no matter how old i get.. or how busy my life becomes.. my father will always be a sanctuary for me.. his memories will always give me strength inspite of the tears.. there will come a day when i may write about something other than my loss..

 

time is short.. appreciate what you have today...

 

Princess of the GemWorld

********************************************************************************************

Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

Access from Pakistan for Blogspot  http://www.pkblogs.com/gemworld  

Outside Pakistan just type http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://spaces.msn.com/gemworldfars

---

Do you Yahoo!?
Next-gen email? Have it all with the all-new Yahoo! Mail Beta.

of cabbages & kings

no i dont know why thats the subject line..

 

i have had various interesting discussions today... life is interesting..

 

im in lahore. the hub of stagnant air, and good food. my familys in khi. i miss my mother.. i miss lahore too when im not around..

 

after being unceremoniously kicked out of my prior office space, i have now taken residence in borrowed space and am waiting for someone to kick me out of there as well.

i like cabbages. its suddenly turned in to one of my favorite vegetables. i dont know why

 

we went to the minigolf yesterday night. it was strawberry juice, aaloo kachoris, chai & good company. its the best combination. Also since the aandhi & toofan the night was ok and not blistering hot, so i actually had a decent happy time. you cant do this in Khi. you'd end up sweating buckets and buckets. so thats not fun.

 

i like typing on my laptop keyboard. its soft. and quietly clicky. not overt like the larger keyboards. keyboards can also be a cause of inpiration. if you dont like typing on one you wont be able to write.

 

i think i'm developing allergies. sometimes i feel like i cant breathe. its a funny feeling. i think its because im not exercising and need to seriously take some action. seriously. no i really mean it. i had trouble sleeping yesterday night because i think i had pent up energy and i basically am dormant at my desk all freaking day long. i read this article the other day about something thrombosis. basically it means that sedentary work situations lead to the development of clots in the blood which leads to.. well six feet under to put it succintly.

 

how am i supposed to deal with all these varied symptoms and causes. its a scary proposition. but i really like my laptops keyboard.. mashallah.. mashallah...

 

i like my work. i like my workplace. i like the people. i like my home and the people there. i dont know what Allah Mian has in store for the future. But mashallah right now i feel safe and protected both at home and work. its a blessing knowing good people. its a blessing i will never forget to thank Allah Mian for.

 

I miss abu. today is a friday. he always called on fridays... "assalamalaikum beta.. kya plans hain.. aa rahey ho?".. and i always used to say "jee abu.. raat ko".. "acha acha.. chalo we'll see you tomorrow"..

he never missed a call.. sometimes he used to call a day early on thursday just to be on the safe side..

does it ever stop hurting.. i guess not... sigh...

 

i still have no fluidity in my life. im still rattling back and forth between punjab and sindh. and im doing it by choice.. it helps me not think. its distracting and slightly tiring and both those things are acceptable as long as i can sleep at night. i am still waiting for life to start making sense again.. when i lived in khi earlier.. there was no formula.. but now i need to be more organized.. the whole balance exercise will well and truly be required now. and i frankly and too disorganized on a personal level to achieve it currently. working from home has translated to checking my email 24/7 365.. i dont think thats the right approach either.. but somehow it helps me keep a semblance of control. when the work gets done, its like closing a chapter.. i guess im looking for closure in some form or the other...

 

but i like punjab... :) and sindh :) i love life.. i love food.. i love good people .. i love my friends.. i love my family.. i love people who care about the humanity of other vs their tag value.. i love Allah mian.. and Allah mian loves me... i cant ask for much else..

i hope he keeps my family and my friends safe and in his keeping.. inshallah life will always be a bubbling stream and not raging oceans..

 

Princess of the GemWorld

********************************************************************************************

Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

Access from Pakistan for Blogspot  http://anonymouse.org/cgi-bin/anon-www.cgi/http://gemworld.blogspot.com  

Outside Pakistan just type http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://spaces.msn.com/gemworldfars

---

Ring'em or ping'em. Make PC-to-phone calls as low as 1¢/min with Yahoo! Messenger with Voice.

rememberance

we went through all the clothes today. i nearly stopped breathing so it wouldnt register. sometimes when you dont breathe it feels like nothing will affect your memory because you're restricting oxygen in your brain and then you stop feeling stuff. all his ties.. his uniform with the emblems and the medals all intact. all the shirts id bought him.. the kurtas.. some so new he'd never had a chance to wear them after haj..

 

ami and him had had so many plans.. everything was "we'll do this after haj"... ami is so sad... i cant even begin to feel the sense of loss that she feels..

one of abus staff from his national guard days called today.. he cried on the phone.. and told ami abu was a wonderful wonderful man and that he even used to go to DHA to meet him and he really looked up to him. he said abu really love his daughter and was always talking about her.. i felt like ... u know what i felt like. i am so thankful to Allah mian that i knew exactly how much my father loved me.. many people never find out these things till its too late.. but i knew... every single day that i lived i knew exactly how much... abu never failed to tell me how much ..

in his last few days after EVERY SINGLE phone call he would end with i love you janu.. i love you beta.. every single call. he knew.. he knew.. yet even one day before his death he still asked did you call china.. i now realize that he wasnt asking for himself.. he was asking for us.. so WE wouldnt feel like he had given up.. but he knew..

i dont think i will ever stop remembering him.. loving him or writing about him...

 

i think every single one of my blogs from now on will be an ode to my father..

i love him and miss him so very much..

********************************************************************************************

Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

Access from Pakistan for Blogspot  http://anonymouse.org/cgi-bin/anon-www.cgi/http://gemworld.blogspot.com  

Outside Pakistan just type http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://spaces.msn.com/gemworldfars

---

Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. PC-to-Phone calls for ridiculously low rates.

its finally over

my life is over. its finally over. its come to a head and its shattered into a million peices. my life is finally over.

we're all born with a shadow over our heads. its a shadow that protects. its a shadow that envelops with love and warmth and never lets us feel alone.

my shadow was my father. and hes gone. hes taken it all with him. my life is finally over.

its funny when at 28 you suddenly realize that life is over and from now on each day will be a hard sun scorching you with its heat with no reprieve till you die and go under.

i will never see my father again. i accept that truth. i will never see my father again because the people in this world dont let me stay good and polite. they make my blood boil and make me lose my cool and i know Allah Mian doesnt like that. i will never see my father again. even death has now lost its appeal with that fact in mind.

at this very moment in existence i have no reason to live and i have no reason to die. its the most contradictory reality i have ever had to face.

i dont want sympathy. i dont want unsolicited advice. i dont want false tears being shed to show how sorry people are. their lives will go on. my life is over.

i dont want anything from anyone. no one will ever ruffle my hair again.. no one will ever buy me three ice cream cones in one go. no one will ever wake up in the middle of the night to take me to the airport. no one will ever come to the airport to pick me up and be there waiting with a warm smile on their face ever again. from now on it'll all be metro cabbing and me alone in a sea full of strangers.

i dont have anyone to love me unconditionally anymore. only my father knew the meaning of that emotion. everyone else has an objective. my life is over..

i was happy... for a brief moment in time i was happy again as i had been in my childhood. now i have no room for mistakes and no room for failure... which means i'll will experience both.. my life is over...

i thought i'd live til 60. now i know i wont. sunday 7th of May 2006. let this be known as the day i truly died. i may not have a tombstone. i may not have a grave. my body may still wander the earth aimlessly trying to find nourishment and shelter in the unforgiving harsh heat of the world.. but this is the reality of my life now.. As Allah Gives, so does he take away...

 

---

Blab-away for as little as 1¢/min. Make PC-to-Phone Calls using Yahoo! Messenger with Voice.

reality

i keep expecting him to come back home..

when i suddenly realize that he wont my heart feels like it will burst out of my chest and die..
i keep feeling like he's gone to get some groceries or for some work. in the first few days the illusion remained.. now its starting to come apart at the seams.. along with my threadbare hold on my tears..

i dont know what to do anymore.. i want to just curl up and die.. i keep thinking that when i die i'll be able to see him again.. to hug him and feel protected... but i dont even know if Allah mian will let me do that.. i dont even know if Allah mian will send me to heaven.. and i know that's where abu has gone.. because whatever his little foibles.. his goodness far exceeded everything else..

we got a letter from Chitral.. from a gentleman who used to be his PA and stenographer.. it brought tears to my eyes.. abu was so well loved by everyone who came into his sphere.. it was because he cared so much..

i have none of his patience.. i can only hope that Allah mian lets me see him again because of his own goodness, because i dont think mine will amount to much..

people keep telling me to be brave and do sabar.. after a while it all turns into one long drone.. and you just end up nodding without really hearing..

will it ever stop hurting...

********************************************************************************************

Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

Access from Pakistan for Blogspot  http://anonymouse.org/cgi-bin/anon-www.cgi/http://gemworld.blogspot.com  

Outside Pakistan just type http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://spaces.msn.com/gemworldfars

---

Talk is cheap. Use Yahoo! Messenger to make PC-to-Phone calls. Great rates starting at 1¢/min.

my father

As i answered one of the condolence messages from one of my far flung friends, i mentioned that i was sure that baba was very happy in heaven and had already started making structural improvements and having a lively dialogue with God and Gallileo...

 

i wasnt joking... abu is the consummate Kaizen practitioner. Continuous improvements ideas for every thing from water supply networks to governmental reform to the state of my hairstyle, would be running in his mind at the speed of light.

 

he is an exceptionally intelligent person and his capacity for absorbing and retaining information is absolutely immense and mindblowing. There isnt a subject in the world that he cant have an informed and passionate discussion about.

 

But baba never loses his cool. he is a thorough gentleman and courteous to the core.

 

on sunday we got him an oxygen tank. he didnt feel it was giving oxygen with enough pressure. he made me and faisal take him at 12:30am midnight to the edhi centre office at tower so he could check the cylinder out himself. we called them first and while i was talking to the technical support gentleman abu is insisting that i ask him his name. because thats the courteous thing to do... :) even at that time politeness and courtesy was a lesson he wanted me to remember.. my father insisted on talking to the technical support guy whose name was Ramzan, and was asking him what effect does oxygen have on the body, what should a person feel. Poor Ramzan was thoroughly confused and asked if he could speak to the patient, at which abu boomed out that he WAS the patient. I think Ramzan was stunned into silence.

 

We went and got the cylinder changed :)

 

on Monday afternoon we took him to the hospital. he loved it. the quiet peacefullness of the executive room. he took one look at the Split and said the filter was dirty. so now he's insisting to the technical support guy that the hospital was being charged a higher electricity bill because the filter was dirty. the poor guy was trying to explain that only the vents had some dirt but the filter was cleaned every week, but baba wasnt happy until he made the guy take out the filter and show it to him.

 

he had an entire conversation with khala where he redesigned the hospital bed for added comfort. he said the bed at home was lumpy and the bed at hospital wasnt the right angle and totally redesigned the bed and how it SHOULD be...

 

One of baba's favorite passages was by John Ruskin. He liked it so much he even kept a printed copy with him all the time and he would quote it as often as possible.

 

"You are not true soldiers, if you only mean to stand at a shop door, to protect the shop-boys who are cheating inside. A soldier's vow to his country is that he will die for the guardianship of her domestic virtue, of her righteous laws, and of her any way challenged or endangered honour.

 

A state without virtue, without laws and without honour, he is bound not to defend; nay, bound to redress by his own right hand that which he sees to be base in her. So sternly is this the law of nature and life, that a nation once utterly corrupt can only be redeemed by military despotism never by talking, not by its free effort.

 

And the health of any state consists simply in this; that in it, those who are wisest shall also be strongest; its rulers should be also its soldiers; or rather, by force of intellect more than of sword, its soldiers also its rulers."

 

Apart from that he loved my mom, me, good food, internet, and technology.

 

i love him with all my heart

____________________________________________________________________________________________

********************************************************************************************

it's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning !!

http://gemworld.blogspot.com/  Fariha's Thoughts of the Day..

---

Yahoo! Messenger with Voice. Make PC-to-Phone Calls to the US (and 30+ countries) for 2¢/min or less.

Passing

my father passed away on this day of eid-e-milad-un-nabi... he went very peacefully being fully alert a few minutes before and then slowly going to sleep until he stopped breathing...

 

since his diagnosis on mar 16th, there wasnt a day when he complained of pain. he just got weak day by day but there was no pain.

 

i am happy he went as peacefully as he did. i am happy he went on a day as blessed as the birth & dead of our Holy Prophet (PBUH). i recall yesterday thinking what day Allah had chosen for Abus passing because i knew he was going.. and i didnt realize what day it was going to be today. i racked my brains for a blessed day or a significant day.. my anniversary or nanas barsi on may 18th.. on the way home from the hospital i suddenly noticed the green lights everywhere.. and when i got home at midnight my dadi jan asked me if i knew it was eid-e-milad-un-nabi and my heart just sank.. then i thought its ok..  the nights nearly over and Abu is fine..

 

i guess i forgot the islamic day doesnt end till dusk the next day.

 

so that was that.. abu went instructing me not to cry, to take care of ami, to turn up the volume on the hospital tv and put on national geographic.

 

he went very peacefully.. but i still need him and now i dont know what to do.

 

i am thankful to Allah for granting him such a peaceful passing and allowing him to meet all his family in pindi and lahore just a few days before his death.. i dont like Allah mian for taking him away from me right now and i dont know how to get over that anger..

 

May Allah mian grant abu a place in heaven and may he allow me to meet him once im there...

 

Princess of the GemWorld

____________________________________________________________________________________________

********************************************************************************************

it's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning !!

http://gemworld.blogspot.com/  Fariha's Thoughts of the Day..

---

Love cheap thrills? Enjoy PC-to-Phone calls to 30+ countries for just 2¢/min with Yahoo! Messenger with Voice.

end of the road

Sitting in a cafe in amsterdam. My father just got diagnosed with liver cancer. The specialists tell us to make him comfortable. They give us no hope. I am vaccilating between complete resignation to hopelessness and total faith in Allah's divinity. His love and his healing, which is infinite. I pray that he grants us a miracle even if its just to reiterate our powerlessness and his almightiness. Watever the reason. I pray for time. I pray for healing. I pray for comfort. Sometimes my faith falters and i fall into the depths of unfathomable despair. At others my faith is so strong that death becomes inconsequential. Its up to Allah to decide who wins this battle. People say its a test. I dont want to be tested. I dont want abu to be tested. i'll burn in hell if thats what it takes to not have to go through this test. I need Allah mian to grant us more time. Much more time. Abus hope and strength reign supreme. He says to me we'll fight this.. while all those around us surrender their arms. He continues to look for a solution to the problem, as he has always done to safeguard his family. His voice is hearty, though his body seems weak. What justice lies in this that one organs weakness can kill an entire healthy system. I need my father. I need him to teach my children what he taught me. I need him to teach them the patience i dont have. I need him to give them the love that is overflowing in him. I need him to say the azaan in their newlyborn ears. I need him soo much. Everytime i finish crying, i feel like i'll never cry again because there arent any tears left in me. But each time i discover im wrong. Mostly i feel numb, living one day at a time. I even derive some sense of control from work. Meeting deadlines, finalising decisions gives a false sense of control, whilst every second Allah reminds me that i have absolutely no power except what he wills me to have. No amount of resources or even determination can get us anywhere unless Allah ordains it. The skies in amsterdam cry with me as the rain sprinkles down from their depths. I need abu to guide me through my life. I feel like a child still. I dont feel grownup. I dont feel i can take on the world without my fathers wisdom guiding me. I need soo much time. I pray constantly. Even in my sleep. Its become a subconscious mantra. I wonder if God is listening

lifes on a tangent

why do we find it necessary to coin these funny subjects for all our posts..

Is it some misbegotten notion that people will be more inclined to reading it then. that IS misbegotten...

 

i just signed into flickr after a long time and found a bunch of comments on my pictures.. interesting.. photos are like poetry without words.. i think photos are more fun because people can carry their own interpretations rather than having ours imposed on them...

 

however, i do believe that photos must have a subject... they must have a statement attached otherwise they become mute.. and can be pushed around. thats not nice..

so i went and shopped around a bit on flickr myself... then i played around with msn spaces trying to utilize its true potential.. however i realized that nothing can replace blogspot and became slightly sad for all the pakistani bloggers that have been cut off from blogspot for hopefully a small duration..

 

so thats that... i go home now.. :)

 

Princess of the Gemworld

 

 

---

Yahoo! Mail
Use Photomail to share photos without annoying attachments.

Its one of those days

Its funny. i want to write in plain text and i cant find the button on yahoo mail. there seems to be no going back somehow to the old format. which is a great analogy for life. Theres no going back.

 

sometimes i wonder if we had that opportunity what would happen. i think every one would just go back to the childhood days and refuse to budge. thats the best of times. sigh.... it makes you wonder in retrospect what sadistic impulse may have swayed our lord almighty to give us the best in the beginning saving all the less than best stuff for later. and then to top it all off with a huge dollop of irony our lord made man coin the phrase "the best is yet to come".... yeah in which time zone...

 

Anyway the crux of the matter lies in the fact that man is an unhappy animal by nature... while woman is the happy one.. lol :) heheheh... i had to say that.. its women's day today apparently. nice. we get a whole day to ourselves. i guess that means the remaining 364 days belongs to man and other animals.. hows that for equal distribution...

 

i am rambling like i've never rambled before.. the uncertainty inherent in life coupled with the insecurity inherent in women is a potent combination. I'm surprised most of us manage to make it past the early teens considering how much stress we end up taking.

And now i've just been told that lunch will be late... AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH.... theres only so much torture my empty tummy can take.... aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh....

 

Princess of the GemWorld

---

Relax. Yahoo! Mail virus scanning helps detect nasty viruses!