Recriminations

Its a cloudy day. Brids flying, leaves fluttering in the breeze. I can't feel the breeze through because i remain ensconced in the four walls of my room. Fan's running at full speed so it gives a rather artificial  sensation of a rather efficient zephyr zipping its way mechanically round and round the room. My room is green. not green green... but a beautiful pale lime green. i love it. its the first time in 8 years that its been anything but pink. Although i love pink and i will always love pink. Lime green & lilac are my two other favored combinations for my room. Quite frankly i never thought i had the drive or the energy to redecorate my room properly. turns out i was right. Apart from the paint job, the beautiful green bean bag in the corner and the lime green splashed white bed spread, i failed miserably. Like i do with nearly everything  else. Truth to tell I'm at a total loss when it comes to consistency and its not like i like being a loser. There are some things that you are simply born with - being a loser is one them. Its an inherent trait most geeks are born with.

It was only due to my unrelenting hero worship of the movers and shakers in my immediate sphere that I managed to shake off the loser persona. The inherent traits however remain deeply embedded. Sooner or later I fear it will all catch up with me.

All in all, its a quiet sunday noon, perfect for reflection upon oneself. So bring on the recriminations and failures. Throw them in my face. Lord knows i deserve it.

I must mention i was also a geek. I used to downplay it by mumbling that i was going to flunk every time i gave an exam. But at the end of the day i was a certifiable geek. so far my only major contribution to my life has been in the field of education; educating myself that is. no one can ever  accuse me of being self less. i'm damned sure i'm not. in fact this piece of writing seems to be one long diatribe against myself.

i wonder where i went wrong. so many times i have found my self using nature as an excuse. Trying to blame my quirks and my less than appealing characteristics on things i could not control; on things that simply were and in actuality didn't do any damage that those of sound mind & body can not deal with. however, as a human being and more importantly a woman, i latch on to every flimsy excuse that allows me to get away with the most amount of ridiculous procrastination. You cant call it a damaging process, i'm simply staying true to my woman hood.
I think this would be the first time that i have referred to my self as a woman. Yes i am a woman. Although i hate women in general. Little peices of mean, irritating, blood sucking, significantly more bitter than karailas people that they are. cant stand them. And i find myself at a loss now.

I cant make friends any more, with the female sex, because i have nothing left to give them; nothing left to invest in them. Theyve sucked me dry of any sympathy a long time back. I have sadly come to realize the sad sad truth that you cant make friends after you turn 18 and expect anything from them. You cant even make female friends before that and expect anything from them. Its one in a million that will stay true and not use her God-given fangs to carve deep and irreparable holes in the deepest recesses of your heart.

I've said it before and i'll say it again. I hate women. I hate them with a passion. I hate them with a vengeance. I hate them with a sadness borne of the knowledge that one of the sweetest creations of the Almighty are in today's day & age reduced to nothing but sex symbols, or conniving, treacherous unforgivable variations of what was formerly a human being.

In all my, about to be 26, years on this planet, i have met less than half a dozen women worth their salt. And that i would count as a miracle.

Don't give me the noble woman philosophy. Don't tell me its the woman who builds the foundation of society through the home. Don't give me that. That may have been true for our mothers, but not for our generation.

Now the men are girls and the girls are trying hard to be guyz. It would a be natural conclusion that they would take on some of the worse qualities of the male species; politicizing, back biting, betrayal, deceit and leave the more positive ones like loyalty, a sense of relative responsibility, out to pasture. I have no patience left within me for the human species as a whole.

There must have been a reason why God sent me down alone. I must be meant to remain that way.

Human interaction is nothing but a burden now. I never was a social animal in my younger days. Somehow i was forced out of my shell for a brief moment in time. Its time i returned back to the darkness of my former existence. It was quiet and trouble free. The less you talk, the less there is to torture you.

I always used to feel i had risen to a higher plane when i viewed the chaos around me and thought i wasnt a part of it.
Truth is, i was busy digging myself in to a hole just to get away from it all, because you cant rise above it. The dark horrible scheming world does not allow you to rise anywhere..

If you live within its confines you have only one way to go.... down... and finally six feet under..
Towards the light, y'all. The darkness will end someday...



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