Life begins anew...

Is it new because i just got my new laptop today?... probably...
Just flew in from home and same straight to work..
my back muscles are bunching up with travel stress and the remnants of a night not well slept...
but otherwise im ok..

once again i revisited my past... my present... and the future i refuse to plan for...
once again i battled the age old premises which drive societal thought...
once again i went up against the "we care what everyone thinks" with my personal "i care what God thinks and its between him and me"
once again i felt the futile taste of failure as i realized my life would need to be one apart from the mainstream hordes blindly following the masses...
.... and once again i felt alone.. as i stood alone on the cliff of my own superiority complex with my mums sarcasm softly floating by as her voice reminded me i thought i was above the rest of humanity ... on a higher plane...

It gets lonely up here... surrounded only by my own headstrong notions of life as i see it.. of what i believe it stands for.. of what i believe it should be... my uncompromising stance in the pursuit of perfect happiness leaves those i love lagging behind in the dust as i surge ahead hoping to outrun negativity, sadness, stress and the world.. if they cant catch me they cant make me succumb to their way of life and living.. i will not break..
and i will not bend.. and no one will have the strength to withstand the force of my existance..

Existential angst takes on a whole new meaning.. as your stomach churns in an overwhelming feeling of helplessness in the face of the pulsating hordes of humanity... and you stare wide eyed at the wave of recriminations surging your way because you dare to question what is the norm.. because you dare to cause a ripple on the dead calm lake of superficial serenity... while underneath the surface the pirahnas wait for fresh blood... and because you make a stand and say the truth as you feel it.. in all its selfish reality... "It's my LIFE!" and i will live it... with my own mistakes and sorrows and my own ecstasy and joy...
i wont share my sorrows with you so you dont have to worry and i will consume my joy alone as well.. theres nothing worse then living your life in a cage of someone else's making... theres nothing worse than not being able to breath in God's world when its filled with air.. people at large want to slowly dribble water to the ground in front of your parched eyes but would condemn you to rotting hades if you should try to reach out and dare to survive...

Martyrdom is a glorified occupation in todays world... its not a career option for me..

I choose to live.. with approvals or without.. with someone or without...
My utopia exists in my head... in my heart... in my soul & spirit.. and within God...
Reality will not infringe upon the murky recesses of my hallucinary realm...
I will never come out of my comatose existence..
Im not brave enough to look life in the face and stand my ground... so i choose to turn away from it altogether and refuse to justify my being..
i wont.. because i dont have to... because i answer to no one.. no one but me..

resigned to fate.. yet not able to see a thing in the foggy realms of the future.. i numb myself to the consequences of taking the world head on.. wait silently for it to trample over me in its attempt to curb the disease i bring to its veins ... "freedom... of thought... expression...".. the power to dream.. to dare to aspire to an individualistic existence.. to admit inherent human selfishness not as an excuse but as a reality... to accept my flaws... to proclaim my life as my own... to relinquish any responsibility for anyones happiness but my own..

For so long i keep going round circle.. i keep hurting for things i do not control.. i cry tears of blood as helplessnes crawls over me like an abhorrant insect... frustrated with the reality that i seek to avoid.. knowing its waiting round every corner...

i'm not a bad person per se. if u do not have expectations, you will not be disappointed. the law of the jungle applies to all animals.. our fears lead us to conformity... fearlessness makes us renegades... there seems to be no middle ground.. atleast not one i have found thus far...

i'm going to go crawl back under my rock now... i think im allergic to living...

Princess of the GemWorld
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I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

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