Life as i see it

Its amazing... everything falls into place. Sooner or later, no matter how convoluted life seems, it all falls into place.

I look at my reems of paper, filled with to do lists. I keep scribbling tasks over and over again just so i dont forget them.. Over and over again. The same tasks.. sometimes i feel like i get nothing done and sometimes i feel like i've conquered the world.

I'm eating too many chips nowadays. It doesnt bode well for me.. horizontally speaking. Explored the option of signing up for some physical activity. Its sad that i need to pay for the privilege of expending personal energy. Hoarding is a bad habit. I have a feeling its genetic.. something related to the female species.. not too sure though..

I was missing me a few days back... i have a nagging feeling i've lost me somewhere along the way.. theres too much happening all around me.. a flurry of activity that makes me disconnect from my environs because it just becomes too over whelmingly squiggly in my head.

Its like life has come round circle. I was born on a Thursday. According to the poem, Thursday's child has far to go. The illustration showed a kid with a little bundle tied to the end of a stick walking towards horizons unexplored. Thats me.

I've come pretty far, but the baggage remains. The umbilical cord refuses to be severed. The intense love and fury battle their way inside my heart, causing a confusion so extreme my mind shuts down completely. The puppet master strings refuse to be cut. Yet I fight every day within my self to convince myself that i am indeed free... to make my choices... to live my life. But so help me God, sometimes i just feel like i can't breathe. Its a constant battle reminding yourself that autonomy lies within you, not without. Its a constant battle to remind oneself that no matter what the elders think, you control your destiny as per God's design. And that's the bottom line.

In order to live that conviction, you have to let go. You have to disconnect. You have to learn to shut down. Its scary. But its a pre-requisite for living... YOUR life. Its not your life if every tom, dick n harry think they have a say in it. They dont.

Im pissed. Its amazing. All it took was a second. One second. One statement.. and then blinding fury for a flash before blood simmers down to a more containable level. Maybe its me.. maybe its my problem. Maybe I'm the complete antithesis of everything i was supposed to be..

But i'm happy.... within myself. I am content... deep inside. My life doesnt lack in any respect at present. And the present is all i have. Its all i want. I dont have any far reaching aspirations with regards to life... only the next 5 days... (it used to be 5 minutes)... 5 days is doable.. its rational.. its easy.

I like easy.. i have alot to thank Allah mian for... he never ceases to amaze me. In every aspect of my existence, he's ensured that i have bare minimum to complain about and everything to be thankful for... Thats not a small thing..

In retrospect to my life, i think every moment has been internally satisfying. I'm glad i'm not in Karachi anymore. Somehow the connotations associated with that fast paced city are a turn off now.. There's too much traffic, talk, socializing, gossip... baggage.

There's too much disappointment, trial and a sinking feeling of impending doom that tends to wash over me when i think about it.. There's a staleness wafting over the city.. Initially when i used to go back, i was yearning to breathe in the smoke infested air.. The lack of rain, the parched earth, the blazing sun.. were all welcome sights... and then slowly the spirit of Punjab seeped into my consciousness..

I started looking forward to fresh greens, trees lining the streets, freak storms in mid afternoon, globs of ice falling from the sky in the middle of summer.. i started appreciating the 3.5Hrs drive to Islamabad... the rich heritage... the brilliant sunsets.. i slowly started falling in love with the city that is finished in 30 minutes to either end..

There are multiple ways of getting to same place... atleast 6 different routes from point A to point B.. My colleagues highly proficient map-making skills ensured that i could get around relatively easily and get lost 5 times on any given day..

Theres laughter.. mostly mine.. in my workplace.. i love laughing.. i look for opportunities to do it.. if i dont find any, i create them. The people here are good. They're nice.. i like them. Being around them is like being surrounded by soft sunlight.. filtered through the cool leaves of a pretty green tree. The work moves fast, but the hearts are soft... you feel safe somehow.. protected. I like that too.

All in all, i guess im happy no matter where i am. I dont really think about it. I just let it wash over me. Life is good.

Its for the living.. In my world, everything is sublime. But its pretty.. in my mind i see flowers & spring.. and sleepy sunlight amidst shadowy glens.. hues of pink n purple and yellow daisies and blue forget-me-nots.. pretty ribbons streaming in the soft breeze and golden straw hats..

Thats where i live. The concept of worldly obligations or whats "Done" or "correct" is not a consideration... i believe in the inherent selfishness of mankind. I believe unless one is happy within oneself one can never try to spread happiness. Happiness comes from within. Its internally promulgated.. and I cant take the risk of making it dependent on external factors.

I hate the thought of not being happy.. i hate the thought of hurting... and while its limited in human terms to protect yourself to this extent, i think its the prudent thing to do. Its not fair to burden other people with the immense responsibility of ensuring your happiness. Its not a burden they will be able to carry. So why set yourself up for disappointment.

Its not that im overly independent.. although i am :) its just i believe in minimizing risk.. major reason why i dont play the stock market.

Alot of people keep asking me what im planning for my life.. They seem to think just because i moved to Lahore, i have a plan. NEWS FLASH: I NEVER HAVE A PLAN.
Life happens. I let it happen. I read a quote somewhere. Winners Do, Losers Plan.

lol:) i guess that would make me a bloody victor in every sense.. yeah yeah... laugh. I'll laugh with you :) i always looking for excuses...

Suddenly remembered when i was 5.. we were in Sialkot.. my dad had a motorbike.. and we used to go for ice cream nearly every other night .. My dad used to buy me Chocolate, Vanilla & Chocolate & Vanilla mixed.. all 3 cones.. nearly every other night... and just to pre-empt the obvious.. no i wasnt fat back then.. :)

It was a sweet memory.. I cling to those.. the sweet ones.. its a battle forgetting the bitter ones so they dont overshadow the sweet ones.. and i manage that battle well. I forget nearly everything thanks to the effort i put into forgetting :)

i go now.. theres still a funny feeling buried deep within my chest... i cant seem to put a finger on it.. its a funny, buzzing sensation... like somethings amiss... or waiting to burst forth..

Lets see what life has around the corner.. Allah mian hasnt disappointed me yet.. Inshallah, my unplanned life shall always be a happy one.. why?... because thats the choice i've made :)

love you guyz
cheerios

Princess of the GemWorld


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I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

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