Joy....

Lying in bed with barely enuff light to even see the lines on my Philips CE notebook. I recall the story of the Japanese boy who had to learn how to write with his eyes closed so he could master Japanese script.

I can hear the traffic on the Mall. The honks of the horns, the sounds of the mosques resonating in the air. I suddenly remember my morning in Istanbul, waking up at Fajr surrounded by the simultaneous calls from all the mosques. It filled me with wonder. The strength of the call. its 8:10 pm. i'm in a blanket. Lost somewhere between the realms of lonely reality and confusing fantasy. I wonder sometimes how Allah can stand me & my imperfections. I am a constant trial to this world. To everyone who's ever dared or been forced to love me.

Train Siren. The crossing must be closed right now. I have.. or seem to have isolated myself... from life... from society... from normalcy. I keep feeling i'm moving further & further away from the reality of the world. I used to say that we define our own reality. What we believe IS our truth. I've not been wrong. Atleast not from my perspective. But everyday I inflict pain on those who loved me. It's a losing battle. My inability to ask for forgiveness and their inability to forgive.

My eyes are growing accustomed to the darkness. I can see the writing now. Also this page is white. The last one was light blue. Makes a difference.

Somehow i don't feel alone. Don't feel the overwhelming need right now to reach out & talk or make contact with another human being. I Used to crave human contact. It used to fill me with joy, a rush of endorphins.

I loved talking & laughing, even if it was at my self. Somehow today I feel devoid of that joy.

Felt like reaching out and touching my past. My stays by the sea, the hot parathas & spicy unda tamater at the Korangi Creek Dhabba with doodh patti. The most disconnected memories are flooding the recesses of my mind. . Flashbacks.. icecream cones in sialkot. Salty boiled meat between the peaks & valleys of Quetta, Chapli kababs in Peshawar. My parents helped me experience the world fully.

I'm human. I experience the world based primarily on taste, then smell, then sight, sound & touch. Hence food is my primary memory receptor.

The air grows cooler here. It's nice to breathe... will soon be minty ...

Don't feel sorry for me.. I don't. Theres nothing to feel sorry about. C'est la vie... This is life... It's there to be lived.. for the living.. this moment is life..

i keep repeating these lines over & over again.. its a reminder for me.. There are some things in life which are better left untold and undiscovered. Take Palmistry for example.. it can unfold many secrets ... and it can cause many heartaches ... because some things happen solely because we believe that they will happen..

I have a simple formula for dealing with hardships.. I look upon them as ordained by Allah and either take it as a test or as a sign of some thing better for us in the long run.. I guess thats the optimists approach.. but really ... we can be as miserable as we want to be.. regardless of how good our lives are.. and conversely we can be as joyous as we want to be ... regardless of how painful reality may be... i guess its a matter of discovering you own inner strength and the strength of your faith..

Bad things can happen to good people.. and it makes you ask why.. you'll never know.. Only Allah will know.. and somehow i dont think he feels a pressing need to answer all our why's.. he's biding his time for the day when he gets to ask that question and see how we respond..

i scare my self of that so i lose my fear of the world. I realized early this morning that i hadnt grown up with any fear within me.. somehow that served to make me seem overly confident and independent in the eyes of the people i love.. but its a gift that i got from them .. and its a beautiful gift. To live life without fear... its the most amazing feeling.. and it came primarily from two things.. the love & security i felt when i was growing up... and the ever strengthening faith in the Almighty.. that he is our strength and our protector.

I still get a bit nervous if im driving around and its late and i rush to reach the safe confines of my home.. i get teary eyed of the fear of a loved one passing away.. i cry inside sometimes thinking of the things we lose along the way... but at the end of the day i feel love which protects me and tells me everything will be ok.. and it comes from Allah and my parents and my best friends and everyone i've met who's so far never hurt me in any way..

Theres alot of good still left in the world. Alot of good and love.. We need to leave ourselves open for it.. protect ourselves from the bad and leave a little opening for the love to sneak in..

And then just live.. as nicely as we can...

all of you who come here... theres a bit of love in my heart for each one of you..

love

Princess of the GemWorld



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I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

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