Abu Jaan

I'm visiting abu.

I went to see nana first.

Then  baray nana.

The nani.

Then abu.

There are smiles in my heart.

He is in shade. Even in this realm the Almighty is bestowing his kindness.

A bird is chirping. There is a little kitten scampering about. Reminds me that abu is a cat person. There is a small breeze. The leaves rustle. *shhhhhh

The shadows move. An ambulance siren. The car horns, traffic, heaving masses of humanity in the distance....
But here right now.. its just me.. the chirping of the birds... the fluttering breeze and abu...

Your heir is here ☺... and I love u with every fragment of my soul and spirit. Always and forever...

The sweet fragrance of the rose petals i just scattered is wafting over from your eternal resting place.. its a fragrance indigenous to the roses here.. no where else in the world do they smell as sweet. Or maybe its because they are for you... so the Almighty imbued them with something special... just for you...

I don't feel alone. It's not as bad as it was when you first left. That was misery at its zenith. But I am your child. Your daughter and your son. Your everything. I rose above it... gathered the pieces, dusted myself off and strode forward into the unknown.

It wasn't easy. I cried. A lot. Every second of every day. Sometimes I thought I'd run out of tears. But you never really do. There are always more.
Then I became numb. To everything. Drowned out the world... my self... the tears stopped.
But I always remembered and I promise to never forget *pinkie swear :) ... and when "I" make a pinkie swear, I keep it!

I still need you. Sometimes I find myself at a cross roads trying to decipher the right path and I need you to center me. 

You are my compass.... for everything! Right and wrong... black and white... even the gray.. for love... for how to live... for how to love...
To love... without judgement.. without expectation... without wanting payback..  to love for the sake of loving... to love because you can't help but love... to love in small ways because grand gestures are overrated.. to love and come to the airport every single time just so you'd be the first face I'd see when I walked out with my eyes searching the crowd, yearning to see your face and feel safe again. Your love which couldn't be contained and encompassed the world... your heart which was endless and embraced everyone who wanted to be touched by your warmth...

Your loved flowed over me... night and day... in the way you ruffled my hair all the time... in the way you would hug me and kiss my forehead... the way I could fall asleep with my head on your chest with your heartbeat thrumming a lullaby to me.. your strength.. your ability to care... how you couldn't help but care.. how you would remember all the medicines nano needed to take on a daily basis and give them to her... how sometimes I think she loved you more than her own children *smile...

There is no you... physically... here with me... I wish u would ruffle my hair again and kiss my head... sometimes you do. You ruffle them from heaven... I physically feel it... and a smile breaks across my face... I have this overwhelming physical need to hug and soak in your warmth... thankfully the Shah clan has always been big on hugging and usually the hugging transcends gender barriers :) so i make do...

I hug the kiddy poos senseless till they scream in protest... its a different feeling.. I make THEM feel safe... they way you made ME  feel safe.. but I feel loved by them too...
I want to hug more... I figure now i'm old and over the hill some indiscriminate hugging is warranted. I'm looking for huggable... hug-worthy souls to dispense my special fars-ribcrusher  hugs to. Not everyone has the physical construct to survive those. Thankfully the kiddy poos do and siddo does :) it takes a strong human being to take one of my hugs and stay standing lol... siddo gives as good as she gets.. I love my family.

Thank you for them too... thank you for having me... thank you for loving me... thank you for being proud of me...  thank you for saying "I love you beta jaan" to me every chance you got so I have lost any shyness associated with expressing my love to everyone that incites that joy in my soul...

I could thank you infinitely and never run out of things to thank you for. Thank you to the Almighty for gifting me you as my abu.

I hope you can hear these words... I love you abu.