it's all good

Dear all...

 

:) Life's good. you know i finally feel it. after a whole lot of winters, of being filled with a feeling of dreadful anticipation on whatever front was open at that point in life, this winter was surprisingly sublime and well relatively peaceful.

 

This entire week was chock full of weddings. First my hubby's best friend and then mine. so it was glorious popping out all of my super glitzy shadi outfits and dressing to the hilt even when it wasnt required.. my obsession with sparkly things continues unabated and i wonder sometimes in flashes of introspection, what i will do when i'm 50 and still wearing blaring red orange and gold organza outfits... because well .. i like it. :)

 

i can imagine embarrasing my kids to death and being labeled that crazy old lady with no regard for her age. but man really... i love my glam sparkly shiny super duper glitzy outfits and everything else that goes with it.. if i had my way i would have glitter paint on all my walls.. my hubby shubby would probably lose it but hey thats me.. hasnt happened yet, :) but its still early...

 

i'm still in the developmental process of shrugging off all the shackles of societal expectations. i spent my youth struggling against them to establish my own individuality and to protect myself from the pain of judgement. i think i'm there now. but everything comes with a price. there are many moments where you still sit there and say to yourself, "conforming is so much easier". But at the end of the day, its still all between me and my God.. so the rest of the world can go take a hike. :)

 

My best friends abandoning me and moving to HongKong. to tell the truth, shes just as freaked as i am. but it means serious lifestyle changes on my end. for one, while she was around i felt no compulsion to make time for anyone else in karachi. as it is life was too hurried and too much had to be taken care of in too little time.. especially after Abu. But through her i would always have a connection and updates on all our other friends and sometimes we'd meet up as well.. now sighhhh.. i'll need to make the effort on my own. we have good friends that go back many years.. we're blessed.. because its difficult finding people now with the same value systems as ours.. the conservative middle class is fast eroding and losing all the things that made it what it was.. the lines have started blurring between whats evil and whats not.. but with the people you went to school and college with, the beauty is that you will always know their true self. you may not like some of it but if you didnt like the most of it, you wouldnt still know them..

 

i feel good. in a mental, physical and spiritual sense. this time seems to ready for a new beginning. i spent the last 3 years of my life in transit. always feeling like i had one foot in the air... that feeling of being unsettled doesnt let you take charge of anything in your life because if you try and fail its very demoralizing.. so you just learn to let go, go with the flow and just do however much you can.. but sleep becomes a priority :) and you let go of alot of things that used to make you feel very very good because of the sheer lack of time... people included.

 

i think its time for a wave of change.. its time to reclaim my life and my self.. its time to make the effort to feel more settled and less all over the place. its time to maintain good friendships and to learn to give and receive and God meant us all to do. its time to learn to juggle all the good things in my life, my family my friends my work my passions and keep all the balls merrily in the air. Its time i returned to my soul started to feel again fully rather than in bits and peices.. Inshallah by the grace of Allah, i shall start now..

 

cheerios

 

Princess of the GemWorld

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Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

GoogleName: GemWorld Fars

Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.msn.com

__________________________________________________
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Travel & Cheerios

Just landed in the US. Johannesburg was pretty. All green green with sloping landscapes, slightly dull blue skies.. a couple of days were overcast but natures vibrations could be clearly felt throughout the land from the elephants on the open range to the earth worms on my bathtub. Yes, i also have no clue how they got there.

 

But it was a once in a lifetime experience and i am thankful to Allah mian that he let me experience it. although i feel the natural beauty in Nairobi would be far more raw than SA which is far more developed in comparison. But it was nice and our people were also nice.

 

ive been on planes for more than 24 hours now. seven and a half hours from joberg to dxb.. 4 hours in transit and another 17 hours to JFK. once we landed theres an additional check which is done which took another two hours post immigration in which we were asked exactly the same questions as on the immigration counter. but it was a slightly more detailed data entry protocol. Once through with that i walked out and located the emirates chauffer drive service. this was around 430pm.. i'd landed at 230pm.The funny part was it was already sunset time. and there was a definitive chill in the air.

 

The good part is that im packed for the chill :) the bad part is i didnt know the days were quite this short. :) oh well. The sales have also apparently started so maybe tomorrow we go shopping. The only thing is i swore i wouldnt buy anything this time :) heheh.. so im going to have to exercise some serious self control.

 

i kinda fell asleep as soon as i got home at around 530pm.. then i got up at 11pm and had a nice nice bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios :).. i felt like i was seven again :) theres nothing quite like cereal to get nostalgia going :)

 

Now im sitting here going through a multitude of emails. Thank goodness my cousins have wireless internet :) Its dark outside. I know it must be cold. im looking forward to the morning. im also looking forward to a hot bath and washing my hair after 24 hours of airline containment. :) im also looking forward to regaining bowel movement post planting my feet on the ground :)

 

So thats that. i think i want more cheerios. Afterall it noon back home.. must have lunch.. :)

cheerios

 

Princess of the GemWorld

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Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

GoogleName: GemWorld Fars

Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.msn.com

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Life sucks..

i seem to be stuck in delirium.. i feel kinda nauseous all the time.. i dont know if its because im sick of life.. cause im not... i just think i need to exercise. seriously. except i dont qualify for a club membership yet... life sucks..

 

i feel like a chicken, graded and de-graded.. there are so many little things in life which can sneak up on you and make you feel silly.. like everything... my new found vagueness doesnt help me much.. i cant seem to break the mould and say i will be honest... because i cant find it within me to lay all of out on the blog page to be judged and drawn and quartered.. i think i want to eat chinese.. theres nothing wrong with wanting to eat chinese. except i dont know if i want to eat it at home or outside..

 

i dont meet my friends much anymore... everytime i get up from work i feel the call of hunger calling me to the closest eating zone.. whether its home or outside, doesnt matter.. each day the call keeps coming.. and then once you eat u want to sleep.. its natural.. all the blood rushes to your tummy and its sleepy time..

 

so my socialization is at an all time low.. soon everyone will forget i ever existed and then i can die in peace and no one will even come to the funeral.. people say we should look to the future.. i did.. it told me i had 20 yrs left to live and i suddenly realized that wasnt really enough time to undo all the wrongs i had done in the past 29 and go to heaven and be with abu. i dont know what to do.. as it is its all downhill from here.

 

i find myself waking up in the middle of the night... i pray.. started with tahajjud prayers and manage to do fajr as well. then the morning comes and Allah and his haq somehow slips the mind until its night again. and life goes on..

 

when will i grow up.. when will i do my own laundry? when will cook a meal on a daily basis? when will i ever grow up? is that what growing up is?

i pay the bills! is that being grown up? i try to do stuff around the house. kinda. mostly i just lie in front of the TV feeling unfit and sleepy and asking mums for supper.. sighhhh...

can i ever be grown up ... somehow i doubt it..

 

Princess of the GemWorld

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Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

GoogleName: GemWorld Fars

Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.msn.com

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Eid time

Eid time... 25th October 2006
-----------------------------------
its eid time. we're not celebrating. but i still asked ami to make qeema sawaiyan.. i like those.. i eat them allll day... :)..
Uzmchi, shahcha, hamid and sidra are here for eid.. its going to be so great having them here. it gives everyone an excuse to get together every day cause we have visitors from afar... like the olden days when you had to travel days to get from one village to the next.
we're going to go to sunday bazaar and take uzmchi so she can browse old books.

 

Post Eid Time ... 31st October 2006
-----------------------------------
i seriously took my time didnt i :) yup.. eid was nice. the whole family came over for lunch one day and all the men spent the entire day watching cricket. people kept visiting us the next day as well and generally ensured that the house wasnt empty even for a little while. it was wonderful..

 

my life is moving slowly.. i can hear the rickshaws outside on the streets of Lahore. it gives me a warm feeling inside.. generally because its cold inside the office :) i love the warm feeling. we're going to start getting alot of that now since the weather in Lahore is turning chilly. I slept really really well yesterday. i dont understand it. i sleep sooo bloody well in Lahore, its not even funny. i dont know if its the bed or the weather or the fact that me and funanie went to zouk and had mushrooms and soup and salad and felt very healthy afterwards.. i dont know. i just sleep really well in Lahore. mashallah..

maybe its the novelty of a different geographic space.

 

Office was good... went around saying Eid mubarak to everyone yesterday. and today :). funanie was off to the site so didnt see her all day today.. but managed to get alot done. so im happy.

 

i find myself at a loss for words each time i sit in front of the screen. somehow i dont seem to have much left to say. i have a lot to thank Allah Mian for. my family mashallah.. my friends.. my workplace.. my life in general..

Granted there are somethings i would changed.. like Abu not being here.. like some logistical difficulties.. like my mum missing abu soo very much all the time...

but i know that when Allah Mian sends trial, he also inshallah sends strength..

 

thats what im counting on .. lots of strength and rehmat and panah from all evil for all my loved ones and myself.. i thank him all the time for all the people in my life at home and work that i can turn to in times of confusion and when i just need to vent and talk..

 

Thank good for good people..

 

Princess of the GemWorld

********************************************************************************************

Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

GoogleName: GemWorld Fars

Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.msn.com

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lost for words

i have been at a loss for words for many many days now.. i dont think theres anyone left who really cares..

 

frankly our lives have become so busy that no one has time to think of anyone but themselves anymore anyway.. so its not surprising..

 

orkut.. the new breeding grounds of human contact... i know how much we crave human contact... whenever i go to Lahore, my colleagues have to stuff cotton in their ears cause i talk non-stop.. apparently i dont get my fill of human interaction in Karachi...

 

somehow the city is too rushed for my liking and i find myself generally drained of energy and usually sleeping as much as i can to recuperate..

 

the ramzans are treating me well though.. as much as i tried not to eat... who are we kidding... :) i find myself looking forward to the next buffet table as much as the next person..

 

it was anies birthday on the 28th of Sept and we took her to Freddy's.. so we're all sitting around the table (me, funainie, furqi, sallo n mk).. and suddenly sallo goes i just realized im at dinner with 4 single people.. for a second we all looked back at him trying to comprehend who the FOURTH single person was since i'm already hitched and that only left THREE single people on the table.. after about a minute of mesmerized silence sallo realized that he had mis-categorized me in the singles category... to which furqi goes "you can take that as a compliment... you havent changed an ounce from when you were single. no signs of maturity watsoever"... lol... i dont care as long as i can keep laughing...

 

i laugh alot in lahore.. i guess its because they humor me more.. its alot of fun... i love the shopping there too... Liberty rocks.. i bought my sparkly slippers in even more colors.. lol.. i think i've been Comely Shoes's single most lucrative customer...

 

went to the shoot for the Mountain Dew Survivor Pakistan Finale last week... as far Survivors go, i can safely say this was the most surprising vote count in recorded history... i fully agree that there is no mapping of human thought and action.. you will never know whats going to happen till its happend and over with... the entire cast, crew and spectators watched with bated breath as the vote box was literally hacked open (someone forgot to bring the keys to the big fat locks on the crate :) and then the votes counted for the very first time since being cast by the jury.. and as the count happened you could see the stillness steal over the whole set.. lol..

 

that was followed by biryani... (i had two boxes since i hadnt had iftar properly in my mad rush to get there).. and then waved farewell to my courageous survivors... i dont think i'll ever forget these 16 chaps.. it was truly amazing to see them do what they did...

 

My director told me that he was up north shooting something else and he was practically mobbed by the locals in chitral, gilgit, peshawar, etc. since they all recognized him and kept chanting Mountain Dew.. lol... even the PIA staff was really happy to have him on their plane and he said he felt treated like royalty...

 

The show was for the masses... i guess its reached out to them in all the places where PTV has a captive viewership... amazing... :)

 

went to the Arizona grill iftar on saturday with als and fais.. my god we felt stuffed... i couldnt even eat half of the dinner menu.. sighhhh... soo much money spent and it felt like a waste... i think i need to go back there again... must get rid of the feeling that i missed half the food... besidz if my stomachs so small why do i keep feeling fatter...

 

furqi the merchant of doom keeps trying to convince me that i'll be an overweight cow by the time i am 35.. to which i wish back at him that i hope he gains as much of a tond as i do in totality... theres no hope of him getting fat all over, but a beer belly is something most men end up with anyway... hehehe.. he'd better take his horrible predictions back or else...

 

ok i go sleep now.. catch you later bloggy dearest... :)

 

cheerios

 

Princess of the GemWorld

********************************************************************************************

Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

GoogleName: GemWorld Fars

Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.msn.com

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silence

silence... in my soul. my advertising agency just told me that two dots at the end of a sentence dont mean anything. its either one or three. u learn something new everything day.

ive been silent for a long time. was too busy to be able to say anything. once u start typing u cant go back to writing in a copy coz u know eventually u'll
have to type it. thats enuff to take the joy out of it. ive been telling people that ive been having dreams that the time has come when all i have to do is think and it converts into words. i cant wait for that time to come. it just proves even further that i am supremely lazy.

i havent been 100% in terms of health. my bilirubin was twice wat it shudve been. went to a liver specialist and he told me that i had gilberts syndrome and one of my enzymes was lazy in clearing out the dead red blood cells. damn. now even my enzymes are lazy. its a system wide error. sigh..nowmyspacebarhasstoppedworking.imgoing.

google happy

on an extremely solid ego trip, i decided to go googling myself to see what cropped up..

so i tried fariha shah... the two things related to me were my old press releases on the Philips website and the following article i had written for NetXpress many years ago on the proliferation of technology in our lives..

 

Technology Sucks

and basically thats it..

i tried "realm of the soul"
i tried "gemworld"
i tried "gemworld fars" AND I HIT THE JACKPOT!

Gemworld Fars combination popped up all my links to my blog, my yahoo profile, my flickr photos... i mean everything..

Basically that means i have been effectively re-christened "gemworld fars" by cyberspace.. or atleast by google.

interesting... from now on my name is GemWorld Fars... lol..

ok .. i'll catch you all later...

 

Princess of the GemWorld

********************************************************************************************

Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

Access from Pakistan for Blogspot  http://www.pkblogs.com/gemworld  

Outside Pakistan just type http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.msn.com

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FLOODED

ok i wrote this like three weeks ago. and now its three weeks later.. but basically the story sounds the same..

 

1st Aug 2006 - Tuesday
______________________

hello world.. i am me.

 

Today karachi is flooded. actually its started getting flooded from saturday onwards.. which is around the time i left the country... and the two days i was gone apparently karachi decided to disappear under the raging seas like Atlantis.. or in this case the monsoon rains..

 

i watched this silly Amanda Bynes movie called Lovewrecked.. i have still retained the ability to actually enjoy mindless romantic comedies even if they have no head or tail.. thank god for small mercies..

 

i had pasta (spinach & cheese ravioli with bolognaise sauce) and minestrone soup at Bella Donna at Mercato. its one of my favorite dinner places.. the foods very nice but the service could use some help.. on the way back ....

__________________________________
18th Aug 2006 - Thursday

 

Many people will remember this as the day karachi was swept away.. people were stranded for hours.. hours and hours and hours.. more than 80mm of rain flooded the streets of karachi.. cars swimmed.. traffic jammed and life came to a standstill.. for 14 unfortunate people.. permanently.

 

120mm of rain in lslamabad and the city doesnt even blink.. less than that in khi is enough to shut the citty down..

 

im in lahore right now.. im supposed to fly back tomorrow night.. i WAS supposed to fly back tonight.. but thankfully that plan changed.. but its unbelievable.

 

the entire city is dug up as it and now it'll just be big holes filled with water. sighhhh...

i went and bought slippers yesterday from Liberty.. lots of pairs of sparkly sitaroun wali slippers.. how will i wear then if the entire city is flooded.. ok bad pet peeve.. but there you have it.

also bought two very very nice and very very fresh looking swiss voile shirt pieces and lovely laces to go with them.. and i am seriously tempted to go back tomorrow and buy one more which i really liked.

 

i am pretty sure my tailor will not be able to come to work after the rains for atleast a week. even then trying to get into kehkeshan centre is a task and a half.. i seriously need knee high galoshes for karachi these days.. and i dont know where to find them..

my friend anie's been on my case to write her a testimonial on orkut.. i havent had time to think really so thats why i havent gotten around to it. i like her.. shes funny.

 

theres so much work to be done all the time. i spoke to a friend of mine recently on whom life had really let loose.. personal & professional upheavals happening continuously unabated for a bloody long stretch.. its enough to make some one black out... i can take one stress inducing factor at a time. it takes too bloody long for me to sort things out in my head..

 

like right now my laptops battery is about to start announcing that its dying and i know that its going to happen.. but i dont want it too and somehow i feel that it lies about the time thats left.. like it say 26 minutes but it'll actually die in about 7.. its irritating. you dont expect your hardware to lie to you.

 

i have alot of presentations to make. i dont like presentations anymore. i dont know what i like anymore. i like shopping. me n anie went to zouk yesterday. she had soup, i had mushrooms, we both shared a farfalle shrimp salad. and a couple of cool passions. i like zouk, but i only like the Seafood chowder. no other soup will do.

 

i keep thinking of abu.. on planes.. in cars... at night.. in the morning... i keep thinking and remembering.. when im away from karachi he seems more alive.. every time i land at karachi airport, when i start reaching the exit doors at the arrivals hall, my eyes start searching for him.. yearning to see his face standing patiently outside the doors.. my steps slow down, unwilling to cross that barrier and face the reality that he wont be standing outside those doors.. i step out forcing myself not to scan the crowds still searching for his presence.. usually the avis guy steps out of the shadows by this time and i just handover the laptop and start walking to the car..

 

its a painful homecoming each time.. takes the whole ride home for the feeling of irreparable loss to subside to a tolerant level..

 

been trying to call my hubby.. but its 1am and he's dropped off to sleep.. i should too.. its a long long day tomorrow. not sure how its going to play out considering karachi's flooded i had serious work that needed to take place between today and tomorrow. lord help us.

 

i saw Lindsey Lohans Just my Luck. cute.. teenage romantic comedy flicks are my favorite. they're no brainers. they take nothing away from you and just give away a fluffy happy feeling at the end of it all. why cant life always be like that.. i'm not one for experiencing all the joys and sorrows of the world.. i'll take the fluffy happiness anyday of the week with or without the candy floss..

 

i love CTC.. that coffee tea & company.. not only do they have the BEST spring rolls (which are ALWAYS sold out).. they are also 24 hrs.. in the process of opening a restaurant... have the ONLY good iced teas served in Pakistan.. and their banana nut muffins are to die for.. love them.. i LOVE CTC.. thats one of the major things i miss about lahore.. actually if they ever came to karachi, it wouldnt be the same cause for me Lahore is all about Liberty dupatta gali great shoes and CTC.. i LOVE CTC... (they should really pay me for all this free publicity).

 

i find myself yearning to fix people up or to force them to realize that true happiness is an elusive pursuit and they must put their best foot forward if any prospects are available that may result in the attainment of said pursuit. somehow most people dont appreciate my doomsday scenario tactics.. especially the part where i use negative reinforcement by stating "and you'll be 30 (or 40 depending on the specimen) soon.. and the clock is ticking".. males and females alike are starting to shun my company since its the only thing i keep bugging them about and im not very subtle about it.

its my most deepest heartfelt desire to fix up two nice people. there are very few nice people in the world. very few nice girls and even fewer nice guyz.. i want to bring them all together.. considering i dont know that many nice girls and guyz, you'd think this would be a piece of cake.. i mean if they are all that doggone nice, they will either just listen to me out of pure niceness and follow all my instructions regarding life and how it should be lived... but unfortunately thats NOT what actually transpires.. the actual play by play includes ego trips, pride attacks, overanalysis and the worst .. "FEAR of Failure.. "

 

those who dont dare.. DONT!

thats the truth in this matter.. i'll be very honest on that count.
my husband dared and hence i'm married..
if he'd been a wus.. i wud've been pushing 40 and still wouldnt have found a realistic match..

I know God has a plan.. and that was my motto till the day i tied the knot..
now i believe that God want us to make an effort towards achieving the end like Abu used to say.
thats the lecture i give and it makes me very happy when it has an effect.
i get depressed when it doesnt.. its like watching a good muffin go to waste... sacrilege!

ok i'm going to sleep now.. i'll see you guyz later.. :)

 

Princess of the GemWorld

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Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

Access from Pakistan for Blogspot  http://www.pkblogs.com/gemworld  

Outside Pakistan just type http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.msn.com

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shocked

16th Jul 06 - Sunday

 

i went to my cbm dhabba on saturday..

i was SHOCKED..

our dhabba wala sold out to some biryani making chap whos tiled the entire dhabba and made it look like a bathroom..
our wonderful unda tamatar making dhabba wala decided to retire and go into the tea making business.. and now he only serves tea to that entire market place.. why .. why ... WHYYYYYYYY..

i will never be able to taste the tastes of my youth... i am soo depressed .. its not even funny.. i still remember the garam garam unda tamatar with green chilies with a hot hot paratha and a doodh patti.. aye haye haye.. ufff.. sawad aa gaya badshahoun..

 

i have searched high and low for the same concoction but once i went to the dhabba near julie khussa ghar (schon circle ) and they told me that we dont make unda tamatar.. we only make omellettes.. salay angraiz pata nahin kahan sey paida ho gaiy..

sorry.. i didnt mean to get all down and dirty but dammit.. my patriotic paindoism has been ignited to red hot fury.. and sadness...

 

sigh... i miss the days of yore.. the things of yore and the people of yore...

 

my day to day existance is exactly that.. day to day.. dammit.. day to day to day till its 20 yrs later and im dead and its all over and no one will know who i was cause all i did was work and sleep.. and work and sleep.. and work and sleep..

 

ive been filling out excel sheets and making powerpoints in my dreams.. i wake up at 4am in the morning cause i suddenly remember deadlines.. my mind is redoing VOs and editing video footage while i'm talking to vendors and negotiating prices..

 

i think this is called burnout.. wheres that stress relief program that sends employees on fully paid forced leave to Rome for a month so they can recoup and add better value to their organizations..

 

Doesnt exist? dammit!... WHYYYYYYYYYY..

________________________________________________________
26th Jul 06 - Wednesday

 

If you tell me i'm a lazy bum, i'll believe you. Its been more than a week since i started writing this blog. the invention of the laptop has made it impossible for me to write anything down on paper when i get hit with inspiration due to which many moments of instrospection pass away with no evidence.. and hence while on the plane recently i decided to write in the back of my notes notebook with a vengeance.

 

******* ive started watching all my movies in planes. It started with the NY Emirates flight early june when i saw 8 movies in a row. I didnt sleep. We'd taken off 8am from dubai and it was a morning flight for me. i saw Aeon Flux(Charlize Theron), The Best Man(Stuart Townsend who happens to be Charlize's boyfriend and Amy something), Cheaper by the dozen(Steve Martin, Bonnie miller & the cute guy from Smallville), Elizabethtown (Kirsten Dunst & Orlando Bloom), Casanova (Heath Ledger and apparently Sienna Miller.. I couldnt recognize her.. the mum however was from Alias).. and some Bridal magazine saving movie with heather graham and some random cute guy. there were a few more but i'll have to nab  the emirates entertainment guide on my next trip to keep track. :)

 

Then i saw Little Manhattan on PIA on the KHI-LHR sector, started seeing Bee Season, but didnt get to the end and the plane landed. Bloody confusing movie waisey.. i didnt get half of it.. Saw Matchpoint (scarlett johansen and the guy from Bend it like beckam .. saw An Unfinished Life with Robert Redford, Morgan Freeman & JLo.. and very very recently saw Yours Mine and Ours with Rene Russo and Dennis Quaid...:) a totally cute Disney romance.. they dont get better than that...

 

Otherwise my staple TV diet these days is Mountain Dew Survivor... I love watching every single transmission of every single episode... it rocks.

 

I remember the joy of discovering movies without really expecting to.. like when i suddenly flicked a channel and came across Butterflies are Free... that was one of Goldie Hawns very first movies.. and i LOVED it.. it was beautiful.. and i also loved Barefoot in the Park.. it was beautiful..

 

Abu loved it too.. he used to rent every single movie under the sun and enjoy every last one..
i love him and miss him sooo much...
he brought me Mary Poppins, The Sound of Music, Jason and the Argonauts.. and he brought me Awara, chori chori, mughal-e-azam, aan... he taped Tanhaiyaans last episode for me.. he watched Thundercats, Thundersub, Voltran and Transformers with me...
i love him... i miss him...

i go now...

 

Princess of the GemWorld

********************************************************************************************

Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

Access from Pakistan for Blogspot  http://www.pkblogs.com/gemworld  

Outside Pakistan just type http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.msn.com

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introspection

there hasnt been a second in a day that i havent thought of abu. every living breathing moment i think of him. i dont know wether i think of him so i dont forget or because i cant forget. i dont want to forget. that would be more painful that remembering..

 

i remember every moment, especially in the last three weeks.. every expression.. every word.. every sigh.. it kills me.. when i think of his face when the first doctor snatched away all hope.. it killed me.. when i saw him staring at the doctors face yearning for a slim wisp of hope and it didnt come.. i wanted to hit the first one..

it killed me when he turned to me in the car after one of his blood tests and told me that we will fight this.. i want to live to see my grand children he said.. i cried tears of blood that day.. because i knew.. but i hoped and i prayed like no one else for a miracle.. i prayed to god to use abu as a miraculous example of his Almightiness but Allah didnt need to prove any thing .. least of all to me..

 

i remember his last breath.. i remember his hope down to the last day.. and i know that his hope was there for our benefit.. he was at peace with himself and his life..

 

i dont think i'll ever stop crying.. i dont know if i can.. i miss him sooo much.. it hurts every day.. every single day..

 

i find myself zoning out in the middle of conversations and my own thoughts.. i start remembering at the slightest provocation.. i keep looking for remnants of his qualities in the people around me.. but no one can measure up to the man that was my father.. he was sweet and soft and yet tough to shelter his family.. he was so well read and so knowledgeable yet he still retained his sense of childlike wonder with everything from a new show on National Geographic to a new software or online service like google earth..

 

he loved me.. unselfishly... for no other reason but because i was me.. he never wanted anything from me except for me to be happy and he gave me soo much.. i cant forget..

 

i wont forget.. and i'll cry every now and then because thats what people do when they suffer an irreparable loss..

 

i feel so self righteous. i expect constant sympathy from everyone around me.. friend or stranger.. i want people on the street to stop and say they are sorry for my loss just so i can stare them in the face and feel numb... im going through every living breathing moment feeling sorry for myself.. i feel so wronged.. and i feel so detached.. sometimes i think this couldnt be happening to me.. things like these always happen to other people.. no one's father just dies in 3 weeks after being healthy all his life..

i keep feeling like i deserve all the sympathy the world has to give and more just because my father was my father and my loss is the worlds loss.. its a loss for those who knew him for they loved him and its a loss for those who didnt because they really missed out on something in their lives and they'll never have a chance to know it now..

 

i was in defence market with ami and at the Bismillah Milk Corner, the sales guy recognized abus car and gave us extra malai because abu always used to get extra for nani.. and as we were leaving this traffic constable pulled up on his motorbike and paid his respects and said that abu was a wonderful man and very very good and always would be helping other people wether he knew them or not... the other day one of the rent a car drivers told me how he and his son used to go to abu when abu was in DHA and how much he helped them...

 

so many people came to us and cried in our home because abu had touched their lives in some way.. it makes him seem more alive when we hear them.

 

i went through another one of my phases where i stared at the streets of new york and just wondered what the hell the purpose of life was all about.. i remembered 1997 when abu ami and i had tripped along all over manhattan and seen the city.. that was abus first international trip... his second and last was to makkah and madina for haj... for a man who loved to travel sooo much.. he only left Pakistan twice.. but he saw the whole world through National Geographic..

 

i feel so scared sometimes because hes gone.. i can feel him when i remember the last days when i hugged him.. in the TV lounge i just put my head on his chest and just held him.. i knew i was making a memory at that time.. i just never thought time was as short as 3 weeks.. no one thought that.. it was unfathomable..

 

i dont know if i'll ever get over this.. if i'll ever be able to go 2 minutes without a glimmer of remembrance for my wonderful wonderful father.. if the rock solid lump in my throat will ever really disappear.. its been 2 months and so far its still there.. sometimes it hurts so much because i cant just burst into tears every where i go.. sometimes.. i wonder if im clinically depressed...

 

i have my wonderful happy moments.. its only when i'm alone that i give in to the waves of sadness that engulf me.. when im around people i draw on their energy to give to me strength.. i actively look for reasons to laugh out loud.. and then i feel guilty about it.. i keep feeling like i should always be sad.. like its the respect i owe to his memory.. but my father told me not to cry after he was gone... he told me to take care of ami and not to cry..

 

i will never stop... i love him and miss him and will always always remember him.. no matter how old i get.. or how busy my life becomes.. my father will always be a sanctuary for me.. his memories will always give me strength inspite of the tears.. there will come a day when i may write about something other than my loss..

 

time is short.. appreciate what you have today...

 

Princess of the GemWorld

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of cabbages & kings

no i dont know why thats the subject line..

 

i have had various interesting discussions today... life is interesting..

 

im in lahore. the hub of stagnant air, and good food. my familys in khi. i miss my mother.. i miss lahore too when im not around..

 

after being unceremoniously kicked out of my prior office space, i have now taken residence in borrowed space and am waiting for someone to kick me out of there as well.

i like cabbages. its suddenly turned in to one of my favorite vegetables. i dont know why

 

we went to the minigolf yesterday night. it was strawberry juice, aaloo kachoris, chai & good company. its the best combination. Also since the aandhi & toofan the night was ok and not blistering hot, so i actually had a decent happy time. you cant do this in Khi. you'd end up sweating buckets and buckets. so thats not fun.

 

i like typing on my laptop keyboard. its soft. and quietly clicky. not overt like the larger keyboards. keyboards can also be a cause of inpiration. if you dont like typing on one you wont be able to write.

 

i think i'm developing allergies. sometimes i feel like i cant breathe. its a funny feeling. i think its because im not exercising and need to seriously take some action. seriously. no i really mean it. i had trouble sleeping yesterday night because i think i had pent up energy and i basically am dormant at my desk all freaking day long. i read this article the other day about something thrombosis. basically it means that sedentary work situations lead to the development of clots in the blood which leads to.. well six feet under to put it succintly.

 

how am i supposed to deal with all these varied symptoms and causes. its a scary proposition. but i really like my laptops keyboard.. mashallah.. mashallah...

 

i like my work. i like my workplace. i like the people. i like my home and the people there. i dont know what Allah Mian has in store for the future. But mashallah right now i feel safe and protected both at home and work. its a blessing knowing good people. its a blessing i will never forget to thank Allah Mian for.

 

I miss abu. today is a friday. he always called on fridays... "assalamalaikum beta.. kya plans hain.. aa rahey ho?".. and i always used to say "jee abu.. raat ko".. "acha acha.. chalo we'll see you tomorrow"..

he never missed a call.. sometimes he used to call a day early on thursday just to be on the safe side..

does it ever stop hurting.. i guess not... sigh...

 

i still have no fluidity in my life. im still rattling back and forth between punjab and sindh. and im doing it by choice.. it helps me not think. its distracting and slightly tiring and both those things are acceptable as long as i can sleep at night. i am still waiting for life to start making sense again.. when i lived in khi earlier.. there was no formula.. but now i need to be more organized.. the whole balance exercise will well and truly be required now. and i frankly and too disorganized on a personal level to achieve it currently. working from home has translated to checking my email 24/7 365.. i dont think thats the right approach either.. but somehow it helps me keep a semblance of control. when the work gets done, its like closing a chapter.. i guess im looking for closure in some form or the other...

 

but i like punjab... :) and sindh :) i love life.. i love food.. i love good people .. i love my friends.. i love my family.. i love people who care about the humanity of other vs their tag value.. i love Allah mian.. and Allah mian loves me... i cant ask for much else..

i hope he keeps my family and my friends safe and in his keeping.. inshallah life will always be a bubbling stream and not raging oceans..

 

Princess of the GemWorld

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rememberance

we went through all the clothes today. i nearly stopped breathing so it wouldnt register. sometimes when you dont breathe it feels like nothing will affect your memory because you're restricting oxygen in your brain and then you stop feeling stuff. all his ties.. his uniform with the emblems and the medals all intact. all the shirts id bought him.. the kurtas.. some so new he'd never had a chance to wear them after haj..

 

ami and him had had so many plans.. everything was "we'll do this after haj"... ami is so sad... i cant even begin to feel the sense of loss that she feels..

one of abus staff from his national guard days called today.. he cried on the phone.. and told ami abu was a wonderful wonderful man and that he even used to go to DHA to meet him and he really looked up to him. he said abu really love his daughter and was always talking about her.. i felt like ... u know what i felt like. i am so thankful to Allah mian that i knew exactly how much my father loved me.. many people never find out these things till its too late.. but i knew... every single day that i lived i knew exactly how much... abu never failed to tell me how much ..

in his last few days after EVERY SINGLE phone call he would end with i love you janu.. i love you beta.. every single call. he knew.. he knew.. yet even one day before his death he still asked did you call china.. i now realize that he wasnt asking for himself.. he was asking for us.. so WE wouldnt feel like he had given up.. but he knew..

i dont think i will ever stop remembering him.. loving him or writing about him...

 

i think every single one of my blogs from now on will be an ode to my father..

i love him and miss him so very much..

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its finally over

my life is over. its finally over. its come to a head and its shattered into a million peices. my life is finally over.

we're all born with a shadow over our heads. its a shadow that protects. its a shadow that envelops with love and warmth and never lets us feel alone.

my shadow was my father. and hes gone. hes taken it all with him. my life is finally over.

its funny when at 28 you suddenly realize that life is over and from now on each day will be a hard sun scorching you with its heat with no reprieve till you die and go under.

i will never see my father again. i accept that truth. i will never see my father again because the people in this world dont let me stay good and polite. they make my blood boil and make me lose my cool and i know Allah Mian doesnt like that. i will never see my father again. even death has now lost its appeal with that fact in mind.

at this very moment in existence i have no reason to live and i have no reason to die. its the most contradictory reality i have ever had to face.

i dont want sympathy. i dont want unsolicited advice. i dont want false tears being shed to show how sorry people are. their lives will go on. my life is over.

i dont want anything from anyone. no one will ever ruffle my hair again.. no one will ever buy me three ice cream cones in one go. no one will ever wake up in the middle of the night to take me to the airport. no one will ever come to the airport to pick me up and be there waiting with a warm smile on their face ever again. from now on it'll all be metro cabbing and me alone in a sea full of strangers.

i dont have anyone to love me unconditionally anymore. only my father knew the meaning of that emotion. everyone else has an objective. my life is over..

i was happy... for a brief moment in time i was happy again as i had been in my childhood. now i have no room for mistakes and no room for failure... which means i'll will experience both.. my life is over...

i thought i'd live til 60. now i know i wont. sunday 7th of May 2006. let this be known as the day i truly died. i may not have a tombstone. i may not have a grave. my body may still wander the earth aimlessly trying to find nourishment and shelter in the unforgiving harsh heat of the world.. but this is the reality of my life now.. As Allah Gives, so does he take away...

 

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reality

i keep expecting him to come back home..

when i suddenly realize that he wont my heart feels like it will burst out of my chest and die..
i keep feeling like he's gone to get some groceries or for some work. in the first few days the illusion remained.. now its starting to come apart at the seams.. along with my threadbare hold on my tears..

i dont know what to do anymore.. i want to just curl up and die.. i keep thinking that when i die i'll be able to see him again.. to hug him and feel protected... but i dont even know if Allah mian will let me do that.. i dont even know if Allah mian will send me to heaven.. and i know that's where abu has gone.. because whatever his little foibles.. his goodness far exceeded everything else..

we got a letter from Chitral.. from a gentleman who used to be his PA and stenographer.. it brought tears to my eyes.. abu was so well loved by everyone who came into his sphere.. it was because he cared so much..

i have none of his patience.. i can only hope that Allah mian lets me see him again because of his own goodness, because i dont think mine will amount to much..

people keep telling me to be brave and do sabar.. after a while it all turns into one long drone.. and you just end up nodding without really hearing..

will it ever stop hurting...

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my father

As i answered one of the condolence messages from one of my far flung friends, i mentioned that i was sure that baba was very happy in heaven and had already started making structural improvements and having a lively dialogue with God and Gallileo...

 

i wasnt joking... abu is the consummate Kaizen practitioner. Continuous improvements ideas for every thing from water supply networks to governmental reform to the state of my hairstyle, would be running in his mind at the speed of light.

 

he is an exceptionally intelligent person and his capacity for absorbing and retaining information is absolutely immense and mindblowing. There isnt a subject in the world that he cant have an informed and passionate discussion about.

 

But baba never loses his cool. he is a thorough gentleman and courteous to the core.

 

on sunday we got him an oxygen tank. he didnt feel it was giving oxygen with enough pressure. he made me and faisal take him at 12:30am midnight to the edhi centre office at tower so he could check the cylinder out himself. we called them first and while i was talking to the technical support gentleman abu is insisting that i ask him his name. because thats the courteous thing to do... :) even at that time politeness and courtesy was a lesson he wanted me to remember.. my father insisted on talking to the technical support guy whose name was Ramzan, and was asking him what effect does oxygen have on the body, what should a person feel. Poor Ramzan was thoroughly confused and asked if he could speak to the patient, at which abu boomed out that he WAS the patient. I think Ramzan was stunned into silence.

 

We went and got the cylinder changed :)

 

on Monday afternoon we took him to the hospital. he loved it. the quiet peacefullness of the executive room. he took one look at the Split and said the filter was dirty. so now he's insisting to the technical support guy that the hospital was being charged a higher electricity bill because the filter was dirty. the poor guy was trying to explain that only the vents had some dirt but the filter was cleaned every week, but baba wasnt happy until he made the guy take out the filter and show it to him.

 

he had an entire conversation with khala where he redesigned the hospital bed for added comfort. he said the bed at home was lumpy and the bed at hospital wasnt the right angle and totally redesigned the bed and how it SHOULD be...

 

One of baba's favorite passages was by John Ruskin. He liked it so much he even kept a printed copy with him all the time and he would quote it as often as possible.

 

"You are not true soldiers, if you only mean to stand at a shop door, to protect the shop-boys who are cheating inside. A soldier's vow to his country is that he will die for the guardianship of her domestic virtue, of her righteous laws, and of her any way challenged or endangered honour.

 

A state without virtue, without laws and without honour, he is bound not to defend; nay, bound to redress by his own right hand that which he sees to be base in her. So sternly is this the law of nature and life, that a nation once utterly corrupt can only be redeemed by military despotism never by talking, not by its free effort.

 

And the health of any state consists simply in this; that in it, those who are wisest shall also be strongest; its rulers should be also its soldiers; or rather, by force of intellect more than of sword, its soldiers also its rulers."

 

Apart from that he loved my mom, me, good food, internet, and technology.

 

i love him with all my heart

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it's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning !!

http://gemworld.blogspot.com/  Fariha's Thoughts of the Day..

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Passing

my father passed away on this day of eid-e-milad-un-nabi... he went very peacefully being fully alert a few minutes before and then slowly going to sleep until he stopped breathing...

 

since his diagnosis on mar 16th, there wasnt a day when he complained of pain. he just got weak day by day but there was no pain.

 

i am happy he went as peacefully as he did. i am happy he went on a day as blessed as the birth & dead of our Holy Prophet (PBUH). i recall yesterday thinking what day Allah had chosen for Abus passing because i knew he was going.. and i didnt realize what day it was going to be today. i racked my brains for a blessed day or a significant day.. my anniversary or nanas barsi on may 18th.. on the way home from the hospital i suddenly noticed the green lights everywhere.. and when i got home at midnight my dadi jan asked me if i knew it was eid-e-milad-un-nabi and my heart just sank.. then i thought its ok..  the nights nearly over and Abu is fine..

 

i guess i forgot the islamic day doesnt end till dusk the next day.

 

so that was that.. abu went instructing me not to cry, to take care of ami, to turn up the volume on the hospital tv and put on national geographic.

 

he went very peacefully.. but i still need him and now i dont know what to do.

 

i am thankful to Allah for granting him such a peaceful passing and allowing him to meet all his family in pindi and lahore just a few days before his death.. i dont like Allah mian for taking him away from me right now and i dont know how to get over that anger..

 

May Allah mian grant abu a place in heaven and may he allow me to meet him once im there...

 

Princess of the GemWorld

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it's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning !!

http://gemworld.blogspot.com/  Fariha's Thoughts of the Day..

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end of the road

Sitting in a cafe in amsterdam. My father just got diagnosed with liver cancer. The specialists tell us to make him comfortable. They give us no hope. I am vaccilating between complete resignation to hopelessness and total faith in Allah's divinity. His love and his healing, which is infinite. I pray that he grants us a miracle even if its just to reiterate our powerlessness and his almightiness. Watever the reason. I pray for time. I pray for healing. I pray for comfort. Sometimes my faith falters and i fall into the depths of unfathomable despair. At others my faith is so strong that death becomes inconsequential. Its up to Allah to decide who wins this battle. People say its a test. I dont want to be tested. I dont want abu to be tested. i'll burn in hell if thats what it takes to not have to go through this test. I need Allah mian to grant us more time. Much more time. Abus hope and strength reign supreme. He says to me we'll fight this.. while all those around us surrender their arms. He continues to look for a solution to the problem, as he has always done to safeguard his family. His voice is hearty, though his body seems weak. What justice lies in this that one organs weakness can kill an entire healthy system. I need my father. I need him to teach my children what he taught me. I need him to teach them the patience i dont have. I need him to give them the love that is overflowing in him. I need him to say the azaan in their newlyborn ears. I need him soo much. Everytime i finish crying, i feel like i'll never cry again because there arent any tears left in me. But each time i discover im wrong. Mostly i feel numb, living one day at a time. I even derive some sense of control from work. Meeting deadlines, finalising decisions gives a false sense of control, whilst every second Allah reminds me that i have absolutely no power except what he wills me to have. No amount of resources or even determination can get us anywhere unless Allah ordains it. The skies in amsterdam cry with me as the rain sprinkles down from their depths. I need abu to guide me through my life. I feel like a child still. I dont feel grownup. I dont feel i can take on the world without my fathers wisdom guiding me. I need soo much time. I pray constantly. Even in my sleep. Its become a subconscious mantra. I wonder if God is listening

lifes on a tangent

why do we find it necessary to coin these funny subjects for all our posts..

Is it some misbegotten notion that people will be more inclined to reading it then. that IS misbegotten...

 

i just signed into flickr after a long time and found a bunch of comments on my pictures.. interesting.. photos are like poetry without words.. i think photos are more fun because people can carry their own interpretations rather than having ours imposed on them...

 

however, i do believe that photos must have a subject... they must have a statement attached otherwise they become mute.. and can be pushed around. thats not nice..

so i went and shopped around a bit on flickr myself... then i played around with msn spaces trying to utilize its true potential.. however i realized that nothing can replace blogspot and became slightly sad for all the pakistani bloggers that have been cut off from blogspot for hopefully a small duration..

 

so thats that... i go home now.. :)

 

Princess of the Gemworld

 

 

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Its one of those days

Its funny. i want to write in plain text and i cant find the button on yahoo mail. there seems to be no going back somehow to the old format. which is a great analogy for life. Theres no going back.

 

sometimes i wonder if we had that opportunity what would happen. i think every one would just go back to the childhood days and refuse to budge. thats the best of times. sigh.... it makes you wonder in retrospect what sadistic impulse may have swayed our lord almighty to give us the best in the beginning saving all the less than best stuff for later. and then to top it all off with a huge dollop of irony our lord made man coin the phrase "the best is yet to come".... yeah in which time zone...

 

Anyway the crux of the matter lies in the fact that man is an unhappy animal by nature... while woman is the happy one.. lol :) heheheh... i had to say that.. its women's day today apparently. nice. we get a whole day to ourselves. i guess that means the remaining 364 days belongs to man and other animals.. hows that for equal distribution...

 

i am rambling like i've never rambled before.. the uncertainty inherent in life coupled with the insecurity inherent in women is a potent combination. I'm surprised most of us manage to make it past the early teens considering how much stress we end up taking.

And now i've just been told that lunch will be late... AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH.... theres only so much torture my empty tummy can take.... aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh....

 

Princess of the GemWorld

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Blogs still alive and kicking - http://spaces.msn.com/gemworldfars/

if anyone cares to know i'm still posting to both sites.. blogspot and msn..

blogspot --> http://gemworld.blogspot.com

msn spaces --> http://spaces.msn.com/gemworldfars

i dont like it one bit... not to knock msn..

the good part is atleast i can still access blogger.. dammit.. whats the world coming to ..

this is just like when they shut down local production of pirated DVDs... its a horrible debilitating feeling...

I feel like a truck just hit me.. and its not just the blogspot block. I've had a fair amount of tea today resulting in overly frequent trips tudeloo... we had strawberries for lunch. and roast beef sandwiches from CTC (Coffee Tea & Co.). i'm trying to inject some semblance of reality in my life and open my eyes to the day but somehow it's eluded me so far..

the jacket i ordered at Calzoom has probably been sold by now to someone since its been three weeks and i still havent gone to pick it up.. my things to do list is either overburdened or non-existent... a pendulum which, you will agree, is not conducive to a productive environment.

one bright spot of achievement does light up my day.. my clean clear crisply organized file cabinet. after the last day long attempt on my part to kill everything that was redundent within its 6 walls, i can happily say i won the battle.. the war shall rage on long into the night...

i seriously want to just run away to a beautiful garden with trees and green leaves and sit on the grass and just stare at the sky and be blank. i want to just think think and think about nothing.. i want to attain that peace of mind that we have as children when the stars shine bright and the clouds are the wisps of fantasies borne out of our own imaginations.

I want to go to lawrence garden or jinnah garden.... hmmm.. i have just been told lawrence garden and jinnah garden are one and same.. fine... i want to go to both...

i want to pick up my jacket.. i want to go for a run today. i want to not overeat.. i want to feel alive..

Sigh i have to leave office before i can do all those things.. i think i'll go for a cup of tea.. alone..

tudeloo

Princess of the GemWorld

I cant believe they blocked blogger

I just cant believe this… my outrage at being blocked is mirrored by many others in the same situation.

 

There are several reasons behind my outrage.

 

Firstly I don’t think you can shut people up by blocking, house arresting, or lathi charging.

 

Secondly, the mob that put Lahore to fire in the first protest has in my estimation never even seen the cartoons. Online or otherwise. Even if they did 90% of them in my estimation wouldn’t understand english to the extent that they would be able to decipher the text. That mob wasn’t even religiously motivated since they ransacked general stores to steal household supplies and tried to rob banks on their merry route to freedom of expression against freedom of expression.

 

Thirdly, everyone who could have seen the toons online has in my estimation already seen them by now. So blocking entire servers because of one site is a too little too late and highly ridiculous response.

 

While its true that the uneducated, unenlightened, narrow human minds that exist in abundance don’t need any help going further down that route. However those that do retain some sense of "theres a whole big world out there" cant be expected to just sit back and swallow drivel shelled out by controlled media. They need to explore and learn and finally reach their own conclusions.

 

So heres a shout out to the echelons of power… let it be…

 

Princess of the GemWorld 

Displaced

i'm way better off staying away from the human race.

on my last trip to khi i felt like it was a home coming.. this trip is like an acid reflux..

Somehow on this one i've started remembering all the reasons i'd wanted to leave in the first place. All of them. the negativity.. the constant gripes... maybe its me..

The whole domestic politics of servants.. ohmygod.. i couldnt stand it... lol..

it was like deja vu.. the whole burning in the pit of my stomach over things i cant control.

i've gotten so used to living in anonymity and somehow i cant imagine that happening in khi.. cause you have lived your entire life in the same place obviously familiarity breeds. ... breeds contempt too...

All the old fears and concerns and childish irritations wash over me... lol

i suddenly feel like a teenager again..

ok i'm going to go and spend some quality time with the family and make me an omelette.

happy holidays..
hehehe

Princess of the GemWorld


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GemWorld

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Coming home

I stepped out of the airport into the windy city of Karachi... took a deep breath of polluted salty air... took a thirsty look around the buzzing airport of the metropolis... i was home..

no sneezes.. no coughs.. nothing but great gusts of karachi enriched air..

I guess my immune system can withstand it.. after years of building up the resistance :) also i think the reason my body's been giving up on me in Lahore is the fact that theres no windy breeze there.. the air seems stagnant.. everything hangs in the air like it has no where to go.. and hence its a whole lot more stuffier.. the heat there is dry though.. whereas in khi you're just melting.. but you're also cooling down along with it.. so that makes it ok..

i got alot of work done today..

i also read alot of romance novels over the two holidays.. even the ones i knew i wouldnt like.. i'd lost my penchant for reading romances for a while in between, but suddenly after the chronicles of Narnia and the Pride and Prejudice marathon sessions, it all came flooding back.. and im kinda glad cause it just helps you relax so much.. mindless reading.. no concentration required.. and you improve your vocabulary all the same and sometimes even learn about new places and new cuisines.. i tell you these romance novelists do a whole lotta research before constructing their worlds.. :) its kinda cool..

it feels good to be home.. since i was away the past two weekends.. i can say that with a clear conscience.. Karachi rocks man.. theres no other place in the world like it.. except maybe Amsterdam which is better...

So thats that.. how you doin world..

Princess of the GemWorld
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I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright © Fars - FS 2004 to inifinity

like a whisper in the wind

spring came with the light rustling of the leaves, the soft clamour of the birds, the ever so soft whispers of the wind.. it crept up on us and suddenly before we had time to say goodbye to winter spring was here... in all her muted glory.. ahh the beauty of the changing seasons..

its enough to make one wax lyrical about the wonders of nature and the resplendent beauty of fresh rosebuds bursting forth in each corner of the world.. Beauty, thy name is spring..

i guess thats why they equate spring to youth... its when everything is jim dandy and fresh.. its when your knees dont creek, your teeth dont screech and your mind doesnt buzz.. its when life is like a bowl of butter.. and when dreams are as easy to achieve as your next cup of tea.. :)

i need to quit my caffiene addiction btw.. has absolutely no relevance to the topic but i thought i'd mention it anyway.

i am joyful.. deep within my spirit.. i am elevated beyond the daily grind of the rushing hordes of humanity and i feel honored.. to be able to acknowledge the advent of spring.. to be able to recognize the harmony in the changing of the seasons.. to be able to bear witness to the changing of the guard between winter and spring. there would be so many people in this world who would have forgotten all about the seasons and the wonderous miracles of nature because they just dont think beyond their basic needs.. and for them that is right..

for me.. i am ecstatic with joy that Allah Almighty has still decided to bestow upon me once again the joy of witnessing his wonders.. this inspite of my tinnitus :)

i went to the ENT the other day.. very nice gentleman.. liked him on sight.. he gave me zantac in case my recurring sore throats and congestion was caused by acid reflux, sturgeon for increasing blood circulation in case my tinnitus is due to that.. and some nose drops in case i have allergies.. which i never had all my living years.. also ordered a sugar test which i had tested a few months ago and it was all clear and an xray to see the extent of the congestion i kept complaining about.. which i still have to have done..

after all of that i had the pleasure of my friend anie liking me to the man who thought he was a hospital .. something Punjab board makes them read in 2nd year.. humph.. what does it take to get some sympathy around here..

while i was at Rahat medicos.. my second most favorite shopping area after the Askari walton market in Lahore.. i also got CAC1000 cause i like that and i need to absorb calcium while i still can... so there you have it.. i am on my way to becoming a walking talking pharmacy.. how cool.. i could charge 10% over the market rate and make a decent margin in case people want to hit me for pills.. :)

i had a marathon session of Pride & Prejudice (Kiera Knightley version) a few days ago.. my friend anies gone loopy and watched it 6 times in 10 days.. but i have to admit.. its nicely made and the Darcy grows on you by the end of the movie.. however the copy Geet has has the best Mr. Darcy ever cast.. its the BBC tv series version but before the Colin Firth one.. who is also not bad..

I also saw Cadet Kelly .. Hilary Duff.. shes cute.. and her movies are usually cute.. then i read only about TomKat and Brangelina etc etc.. gossip is always a great way of catching up with the real world :) so sue me i love channel E.. note to WORLDCALL.. turn it back on or else!!

it was a cousins valima dinner today and i'll wear my mums gharara to the reception tomorrow.. the only problem is the work is silver and my jewelry is golden :) kya karein..

i love life... Thank God for little blessing.. like the CTC spring rolls.. i have them everyday.. at 630 pm..

i love the songs of rang de basanti.. pathshala - love the da dein dein.. in the music.. awesome.. love the bluffmaster right here right now... love the rang de basanti title track especially the ring rang ring rang... lol.. love it.. got caught during lunch hour sharing a sandwich with my neighbor and blasting this one.. our GM walked in and took in the scene with one of his cool calm and collected looks while he controlled any urge to laugh or yell :).. amazing song though ring ring ring ring ring...

i heard it was raining at bhurban and singing.. wish.. but whatever :) i had ctc spring rolls na..

:)
Princess of the GemWorld

*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright © Fars - FS 2004 to inifinity

Nostalgical sniffings...

i feel constantly on the verge of tears today.. my former employers are here today for some work and i just found myself bursting into tears at all the memories that suddenly washed over me..

the binoria ki chinioti handi kept swimming in my consciousness and somehow that made me cry even harder.. theres no Binoria ki chinioti handi in all of laaaahoooorrre... bhuuuuwaaaaaaahhhhh...

just looking at the familiar faces.. my advent into the corporate world where i'd first taken baby steps... the faces that guided me.. i just wanted to hug 'em... all the little people.. they were all so wonderful.. i have so much respect for the non-management cadre... they were wholesome and good and had hearts and were warm and loving and had families and lives and never let lifes little problems get them down.. i miss them all so much..

there was shahid the visual arts whiz and burly sohail sb our one stop shop for all product related solutions.. khalid sb & ashfaq to get any sale done.. the sales guyz.. all of them.. every one was a character.. they were always so happy and spirited no matter what the challenge..

every one has their glitches.. no ones perfect.. but i cant remember the downsides.. i just remember the happy moments.. the hour long commute.. the rainy day pakoras.. the aaloo pakoras from the railway crossing.. garam garam with masala.. i wonder if the guy is still there.. i loved his pakoras.. i used to buy them sometimes on the way to work and have them with my morning tea.. every one used to gather round and we used to have a tea party.. :) suleman bhai key samosay.. the qeema samosas outside the sales office.. and there were the tea people.. i remember feroz and naveed i think.. there were so many people who came and went in the course of my 3 years there but they all kept in touch and even now still do.. i cant imagine that happening anywhere else.. i miss them.. :(-----

chota kashif shahid sohail sb mustafa asif ashfaq khalid arif sb arshad sb mohsin sb nyla shahid sb anis sb yasin naeem.. the whole CE team.. :(----

Those were simple times and simple joys are the best kind of joys..

sighhhhh... i love memories.. thank God for them.. where would we be without them...

I'm going to hide under my desk and cry for the rest of the day..

Princess of the GemWorld

*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright © Fars - FS 2004 to inifinity

au revoir my chums

My evolution from someone who actually had a statement to make into some dithering blabbering fool has taken all of 3 years.. but it did happen..

I've moved to a place in my life where i have nothing but silence and chaos in my head. my ears are always buzzing with the high pitched drone of too much airline travel.. as it is i was clinically deaf already.. my eyes are slowly turning into pebbles.. little pebbles inset on my swollen cabbage like face.. its reached a point that at night my pupils dont even expand because they've become so attuned to receiving the sharp glare of the LCD screen 16 hours a day.

my digestive system vaccilates between two extremes and yes its not pretty. my food intake is dangerously random... all week i have breakfast lunch & dinner.. and i try desperately to keep a handle on the intake.. come the weekend all i do is eat and sleep..

i'm going to be dead by the time i'm 50.. no 45.. i was aiming for 60 but seriously..
Not happening..

i dont talk to my friends anymore.. theyre as busy as i am... and slowly when you stop talking you forget how to talk.. theres no energy left to craft conversation and while silence is a beautiful part of beautiful friendships.. too much of anything is bad..

I feel completely cutoff and isolated.. half the time its a struggle not to burst into tears at the most inopportune moments.. and somehow there doesnt seem to be a ray of sunshine in sight..

i know this picture sounds more dire than it actually is... i'm still thankful for my beautiful family and friends.. i just dont feel at this particular moment in time that i'm doing anyone in my life any justice whatsoever..

people keep passing by the doors.. the world goes on.. everyone has their own issues to deal with... each struggling to keep their head above water.. i feel like driftwood let loose upon the raging seas.. one little peice being battered by the rough waves.. afloat.. but for how long..

for all my questioning of the purpose of life.. i make absolutely no effort to determine it.. i make no effort to clarify my objectives.. i keep thinking floating through life is the right thing to do cause if you dont over think things you can stay happy for longer.. maybe thats not true..

maybe i should over think things and try to pin down every single variable in my life from closet space to college funds and maybe i should do that now so i dont have to ever have anyone tell me "i told you so" or "you really should have planned".

everyone in my life has their own objectives to pursue as it should be. we are all individuals after all. and i'm happy for them.. i've stopped being happy for me. i dont seem to have the time to acknowledge any emotion on my emotional thermometer.. i mentioned before i thought i was on auto pilot but now its like i'm just floating in the air with no engine at the whim of the winds.. and through no ones fault but my own because thats what i wanted.. i wanted to float through life..

i didnt realize sometimes floating takes away your power to feel the moment because all moments merge into one long flight.. i guess i forgot that in order to experience reality you have to touch the ground because thats where ground reality is :) heheh.. thats a pun & a half..

i think i need a hiatus from everything including this blog.. i'm going to crawl into a hole and think... i need to find my soul again..

Read this on the Warrior of Light Newsletter by Paulo Coelho
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One day in January 2006

It is raining hard today and the temperature is close to 3ºC. I decided to go for a walk – I feel that if I don’t walk every day I won’t be able to work – but the wind is very strong too, so I came back to the car after ten minutes. I took the newspaper from the mailbox, nothing important in it, except the things that journalists have decided we should know, follow up and take a position on.
I go to the computer to read my e-mails.
Nothing new, just some decisions without any importance that I can see to later.
I try a little archery, but the wind is still blowing so strong that it’s impossible. I have already written my bi-annual book, which this time is called “The Zahir”, and there is still weeks before it comes out. I have already written the columns I publish on the Internet. I have already written the newsletter for my page on the Web. I have had a check-up on my stomach which fortunately detected nothing abnormal (they really scared me with all that business of sticking a tube down my throat, but there is nothing so terrible about it). I have been to the dentist. The tickets for my next trip by plane, which were taking a while to arrive, have finally got here by express mail. There are some things I have to do tomorrow, and some things I finished doing yesterday, but today ...
Today I have absolutely nothing to concentrate my attention on.
That scares me: shouldn’t I be doing something? Well, if you want to invent work, you don’t need to make much effort – there are always projects to be developed, bulbs that need changing, dry leaves that need sweeping, books to be tidied up, computer files to be organized, and so on. But how about just facing a total void.
I put on a cap, thermal clothes and a rainproof jacket, and go out to the garden – like this I’ll be able to stand the cold for the next four or five hours. I sit down on the wet grass and begin to make a mental list of what passes through my head:
A] I am useless. At this moment everybody is busy, working hard.
Answer: I work hard too, sometimes twelve hours a day. Today, by chance, I have nothing to do.
B] I have no friends. Here I am alone, one of the world’s best-known writers, and the telephone does not ring.
Answer: of course I have friends. But they know how to respect my need for isolation when I’m in the old mill at St. Martin in France.
C] I have to go and buy some glue.
Yes, I have just remembered that I ran out of glue yesterday, why not get into the car and drive to the nearest town? And that thought brings me to a halt. Why is it so difficult just to stay as I am right now, without doing anything?
A series of thoughts goes through my head: friends who worry about things that have not happened yet, acquaintances who know how to fill each minute of their lives with tasks that seem absurd to me, senseless conversations, long phone calls to say nothing of importance. Office bosses who invent work to justify their jobs, employees who are afraid because today they were given nothing important to do and that could mean that they are no longer any useful, mothers who torture themselves because the children have gone out, students who torture themselves over studies, tests, examinations.
I wage a long, difficult fight with myself not to get up and go to the stationary to buy the glue that is missing. The anguish is immense, but I’m determined to stay here without doing anything at least for a couple of hours. Little by little the anxiety gives way to contemplation and I begin to listen to my soul. It was dying to talk to me, but I’m always so busy.
The wind is still blowing very hard, I know that it’s cold and that tomorrow maybe I’ll need to buy some glue. I’m not doing anything, and I’m doing the most important thing in a man’s life: I’m listening to what I needed to hear from myself.
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i guess we should all take time to listen to ourselves sometimes.

Princess of the GemWorld

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I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright © Fars - FS 2004 to inifinity

mush mush mush mush mush.. dribble....

.....thats my brian dribbling off into the sunset.

i think i've finally passed beyond the final frontier. its finally happend. i cant feel my brain anymore.

nuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmbbbbbbbbbbbb.....
thats it

sad

bye

Princess of the GemWorld


*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright © Fars - FS 2004 to inifinity

Truth laid bear

the Dawn Science.com section has always been an old favorite of mine. from reading the comic strip to the nifty little bits of info that you keep finding in it. my objective in life in Philips used to be to get one of the nifty new gadgets featured on the last page. life was good.

i miss simplicity sometimes. its become a victim of verbosity and procrastination. i always thought "lack of time" led to simplification. thats apprently not true. i also thought the higher you went in the corporate ladder the detail orientation was supposed to be laid to rest and the strategic hat was supposed to be plonked on. Thats also apparently not true. in fact in 9 cases out of ten most people are expected to switch between both roles frequently and without displaying any issues :)

now thats corporate utopia.. atleast from a higher management perspective :)

somehow sometimes i keep thinking back to "The Water Babies" and how the kids got turned into a field of cabbages popping everywhere because their minds got overloaded with school work and no play... IS SOMEONE LISTENING OUT THERE??!!

I think i'm going to gift copies of that book to everyone in the workplace with highlighted paragraphs for extra emphasis :)

Just read on msn gossip that brad gave angelina a ring.. at some point in time im sure i would have said "mera number kab aye ga".. but thankfully im over that phase now.. he's started looking old.. you know what i mean.. Angelina on the other hand is a whole different ball game.. by the paparrazzi estimation this tryst should last all of 5 years before running into a road block. i think they have a fair chance of making it.. provided they are understanding and forgiving.. which was probably not the case with Jen.

brrrr... its scary.. these western relationships..

Lahore is coooold these days. Each morning its a struggle to pull myself out of bed and now i've taken to the traditional method of flipping a coin to see whether or not i need to shower.. i usually win :)
The good thing is that there arent any BO issues.. i have all the sympathy in the world for poeple with those... winters must be mondo tough for them.. yikes..

just found another great site.. for all you people who like reading classic amazing beautiful books that makes childhood worth living go to Page by Page Books.com. Thats where i found water babies by charles kingley and now also Anne of Green Gables by LM Montgomery..

i still remember this one. i read the first chapter or the day she goes to school and gilbert calls her carrots.. in a book my nana bought me. Memorable School Stories Collection. My nana bought me all the loveliest books. he knew i loved reading. he bought me the entire Saint Clare series (enid blyton) in one go in Peshawar. He bought me the Mallory towers series. He bought me Enid Blytons numerous other titles from Ferozsons in Lahore (we were posted there at the time). I miss him. i still remember him coming home from work everyday to 2B Link Avenue in Karachi and saying "paani lao" and i used to run and get it. Then he used to turn on the AC full blast and sleep :) it used to be so nice and cold.. the soft drone of the air conditioner, curtains pulled, nana sleeping and me making tents out of nanis sheets and pretending i was in an alaskan winter. Thats what made my childhood the beautiful place that it was. By far the most peaceful times in my memory.. even now as i think of it, a tranquility steals over my entire soul. i love all my grandparents..

somehow sleep isnt as peaceful as those afternoon naps anymore.. you mind keeps racing at a 1000 miles an hour with a zillion different deliverables, bills, and responsibilities racing through it... no wonder every one keeps lamenting the loss of their childhoods..

sigh... anyway life is other wise ok.. new horizons to explore.. new things to learn. Allah Mian keeps life interesting.. Inshallah he shall keep me and my loved ones safe from all harm and keep all negativity and evil as far away from us as possible.. inshallah..

cheerios dudes n dudettes

Princess of the GemWorld

*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright © Fars - FS 2004 to inifinity