it's all good

Dear all...

 

:) Life's good. you know i finally feel it. after a whole lot of winters, of being filled with a feeling of dreadful anticipation on whatever front was open at that point in life, this winter was surprisingly sublime and well relatively peaceful.

 

This entire week was chock full of weddings. First my hubby's best friend and then mine. so it was glorious popping out all of my super glitzy shadi outfits and dressing to the hilt even when it wasnt required.. my obsession with sparkly things continues unabated and i wonder sometimes in flashes of introspection, what i will do when i'm 50 and still wearing blaring red orange and gold organza outfits... because well .. i like it. :)

 

i can imagine embarrasing my kids to death and being labeled that crazy old lady with no regard for her age. but man really... i love my glam sparkly shiny super duper glitzy outfits and everything else that goes with it.. if i had my way i would have glitter paint on all my walls.. my hubby shubby would probably lose it but hey thats me.. hasnt happened yet, :) but its still early...

 

i'm still in the developmental process of shrugging off all the shackles of societal expectations. i spent my youth struggling against them to establish my own individuality and to protect myself from the pain of judgement. i think i'm there now. but everything comes with a price. there are many moments where you still sit there and say to yourself, "conforming is so much easier". But at the end of the day, its still all between me and my God.. so the rest of the world can go take a hike. :)

 

My best friends abandoning me and moving to HongKong. to tell the truth, shes just as freaked as i am. but it means serious lifestyle changes on my end. for one, while she was around i felt no compulsion to make time for anyone else in karachi. as it is life was too hurried and too much had to be taken care of in too little time.. especially after Abu. But through her i would always have a connection and updates on all our other friends and sometimes we'd meet up as well.. now sighhhh.. i'll need to make the effort on my own. we have good friends that go back many years.. we're blessed.. because its difficult finding people now with the same value systems as ours.. the conservative middle class is fast eroding and losing all the things that made it what it was.. the lines have started blurring between whats evil and whats not.. but with the people you went to school and college with, the beauty is that you will always know their true self. you may not like some of it but if you didnt like the most of it, you wouldnt still know them..

 

i feel good. in a mental, physical and spiritual sense. this time seems to ready for a new beginning. i spent the last 3 years of my life in transit. always feeling like i had one foot in the air... that feeling of being unsettled doesnt let you take charge of anything in your life because if you try and fail its very demoralizing.. so you just learn to let go, go with the flow and just do however much you can.. but sleep becomes a priority :) and you let go of alot of things that used to make you feel very very good because of the sheer lack of time... people included.

 

i think its time for a wave of change.. its time to reclaim my life and my self.. its time to make the effort to feel more settled and less all over the place. its time to maintain good friendships and to learn to give and receive and God meant us all to do. its time to learn to juggle all the good things in my life, my family my friends my work my passions and keep all the balls merrily in the air. Its time i returned to my soul started to feel again fully rather than in bits and peices.. Inshallah by the grace of Allah, i shall start now..

 

cheerios

 

Princess of the GemWorld

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Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

GoogleName: GemWorld Fars

Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.msn.com

__________________________________________________
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Travel & Cheerios

Just landed in the US. Johannesburg was pretty. All green green with sloping landscapes, slightly dull blue skies.. a couple of days were overcast but natures vibrations could be clearly felt throughout the land from the elephants on the open range to the earth worms on my bathtub. Yes, i also have no clue how they got there.

 

But it was a once in a lifetime experience and i am thankful to Allah mian that he let me experience it. although i feel the natural beauty in Nairobi would be far more raw than SA which is far more developed in comparison. But it was nice and our people were also nice.

 

ive been on planes for more than 24 hours now. seven and a half hours from joberg to dxb.. 4 hours in transit and another 17 hours to JFK. once we landed theres an additional check which is done which took another two hours post immigration in which we were asked exactly the same questions as on the immigration counter. but it was a slightly more detailed data entry protocol. Once through with that i walked out and located the emirates chauffer drive service. this was around 430pm.. i'd landed at 230pm.The funny part was it was already sunset time. and there was a definitive chill in the air.

 

The good part is that im packed for the chill :) the bad part is i didnt know the days were quite this short. :) oh well. The sales have also apparently started so maybe tomorrow we go shopping. The only thing is i swore i wouldnt buy anything this time :) heheh.. so im going to have to exercise some serious self control.

 

i kinda fell asleep as soon as i got home at around 530pm.. then i got up at 11pm and had a nice nice bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios :).. i felt like i was seven again :) theres nothing quite like cereal to get nostalgia going :)

 

Now im sitting here going through a multitude of emails. Thank goodness my cousins have wireless internet :) Its dark outside. I know it must be cold. im looking forward to the morning. im also looking forward to a hot bath and washing my hair after 24 hours of airline containment. :) im also looking forward to regaining bowel movement post planting my feet on the ground :)

 

So thats that. i think i want more cheerios. Afterall it noon back home.. must have lunch.. :)

cheerios

 

Princess of the GemWorld

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Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

GoogleName: GemWorld Fars

Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.msn.com

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Life sucks..

i seem to be stuck in delirium.. i feel kinda nauseous all the time.. i dont know if its because im sick of life.. cause im not... i just think i need to exercise. seriously. except i dont qualify for a club membership yet... life sucks..

 

i feel like a chicken, graded and de-graded.. there are so many little things in life which can sneak up on you and make you feel silly.. like everything... my new found vagueness doesnt help me much.. i cant seem to break the mould and say i will be honest... because i cant find it within me to lay all of out on the blog page to be judged and drawn and quartered.. i think i want to eat chinese.. theres nothing wrong with wanting to eat chinese. except i dont know if i want to eat it at home or outside..

 

i dont meet my friends much anymore... everytime i get up from work i feel the call of hunger calling me to the closest eating zone.. whether its home or outside, doesnt matter.. each day the call keeps coming.. and then once you eat u want to sleep.. its natural.. all the blood rushes to your tummy and its sleepy time..

 

so my socialization is at an all time low.. soon everyone will forget i ever existed and then i can die in peace and no one will even come to the funeral.. people say we should look to the future.. i did.. it told me i had 20 yrs left to live and i suddenly realized that wasnt really enough time to undo all the wrongs i had done in the past 29 and go to heaven and be with abu. i dont know what to do.. as it is its all downhill from here.

 

i find myself waking up in the middle of the night... i pray.. started with tahajjud prayers and manage to do fajr as well. then the morning comes and Allah and his haq somehow slips the mind until its night again. and life goes on..

 

when will i grow up.. when will i do my own laundry? when will cook a meal on a daily basis? when will i ever grow up? is that what growing up is?

i pay the bills! is that being grown up? i try to do stuff around the house. kinda. mostly i just lie in front of the TV feeling unfit and sleepy and asking mums for supper.. sighhhh...

can i ever be grown up ... somehow i doubt it..

 

Princess of the GemWorld

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Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

GoogleName: GemWorld Fars

Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.msn.com

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Eid time

Eid time... 25th October 2006
-----------------------------------
its eid time. we're not celebrating. but i still asked ami to make qeema sawaiyan.. i like those.. i eat them allll day... :)..
Uzmchi, shahcha, hamid and sidra are here for eid.. its going to be so great having them here. it gives everyone an excuse to get together every day cause we have visitors from afar... like the olden days when you had to travel days to get from one village to the next.
we're going to go to sunday bazaar and take uzmchi so she can browse old books.

 

Post Eid Time ... 31st October 2006
-----------------------------------
i seriously took my time didnt i :) yup.. eid was nice. the whole family came over for lunch one day and all the men spent the entire day watching cricket. people kept visiting us the next day as well and generally ensured that the house wasnt empty even for a little while. it was wonderful..

 

my life is moving slowly.. i can hear the rickshaws outside on the streets of Lahore. it gives me a warm feeling inside.. generally because its cold inside the office :) i love the warm feeling. we're going to start getting alot of that now since the weather in Lahore is turning chilly. I slept really really well yesterday. i dont understand it. i sleep sooo bloody well in Lahore, its not even funny. i dont know if its the bed or the weather or the fact that me and funanie went to zouk and had mushrooms and soup and salad and felt very healthy afterwards.. i dont know. i just sleep really well in Lahore. mashallah..

maybe its the novelty of a different geographic space.

 

Office was good... went around saying Eid mubarak to everyone yesterday. and today :). funanie was off to the site so didnt see her all day today.. but managed to get alot done. so im happy.

 

i find myself at a loss for words each time i sit in front of the screen. somehow i dont seem to have much left to say. i have a lot to thank Allah Mian for. my family mashallah.. my friends.. my workplace.. my life in general..

Granted there are somethings i would changed.. like Abu not being here.. like some logistical difficulties.. like my mum missing abu soo very much all the time...

but i know that when Allah Mian sends trial, he also inshallah sends strength..

 

thats what im counting on .. lots of strength and rehmat and panah from all evil for all my loved ones and myself.. i thank him all the time for all the people in my life at home and work that i can turn to in times of confusion and when i just need to vent and talk..

 

Thank good for good people..

 

Princess of the GemWorld

********************************************************************************************

Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

GoogleName: GemWorld Fars

Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.msn.com

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lost for words

i have been at a loss for words for many many days now.. i dont think theres anyone left who really cares..

 

frankly our lives have become so busy that no one has time to think of anyone but themselves anymore anyway.. so its not surprising..

 

orkut.. the new breeding grounds of human contact... i know how much we crave human contact... whenever i go to Lahore, my colleagues have to stuff cotton in their ears cause i talk non-stop.. apparently i dont get my fill of human interaction in Karachi...

 

somehow the city is too rushed for my liking and i find myself generally drained of energy and usually sleeping as much as i can to recuperate..

 

the ramzans are treating me well though.. as much as i tried not to eat... who are we kidding... :) i find myself looking forward to the next buffet table as much as the next person..

 

it was anies birthday on the 28th of Sept and we took her to Freddy's.. so we're all sitting around the table (me, funainie, furqi, sallo n mk).. and suddenly sallo goes i just realized im at dinner with 4 single people.. for a second we all looked back at him trying to comprehend who the FOURTH single person was since i'm already hitched and that only left THREE single people on the table.. after about a minute of mesmerized silence sallo realized that he had mis-categorized me in the singles category... to which furqi goes "you can take that as a compliment... you havent changed an ounce from when you were single. no signs of maturity watsoever"... lol... i dont care as long as i can keep laughing...

 

i laugh alot in lahore.. i guess its because they humor me more.. its alot of fun... i love the shopping there too... Liberty rocks.. i bought my sparkly slippers in even more colors.. lol.. i think i've been Comely Shoes's single most lucrative customer...

 

went to the shoot for the Mountain Dew Survivor Pakistan Finale last week... as far Survivors go, i can safely say this was the most surprising vote count in recorded history... i fully agree that there is no mapping of human thought and action.. you will never know whats going to happen till its happend and over with... the entire cast, crew and spectators watched with bated breath as the vote box was literally hacked open (someone forgot to bring the keys to the big fat locks on the crate :) and then the votes counted for the very first time since being cast by the jury.. and as the count happened you could see the stillness steal over the whole set.. lol..

 

that was followed by biryani... (i had two boxes since i hadnt had iftar properly in my mad rush to get there).. and then waved farewell to my courageous survivors... i dont think i'll ever forget these 16 chaps.. it was truly amazing to see them do what they did...

 

My director told me that he was up north shooting something else and he was practically mobbed by the locals in chitral, gilgit, peshawar, etc. since they all recognized him and kept chanting Mountain Dew.. lol... even the PIA staff was really happy to have him on their plane and he said he felt treated like royalty...

 

The show was for the masses... i guess its reached out to them in all the places where PTV has a captive viewership... amazing... :)

 

went to the Arizona grill iftar on saturday with als and fais.. my god we felt stuffed... i couldnt even eat half of the dinner menu.. sighhhh... soo much money spent and it felt like a waste... i think i need to go back there again... must get rid of the feeling that i missed half the food... besidz if my stomachs so small why do i keep feeling fatter...

 

furqi the merchant of doom keeps trying to convince me that i'll be an overweight cow by the time i am 35.. to which i wish back at him that i hope he gains as much of a tond as i do in totality... theres no hope of him getting fat all over, but a beer belly is something most men end up with anyway... hehehe.. he'd better take his horrible predictions back or else...

 

ok i go sleep now.. catch you later bloggy dearest... :)

 

cheerios

 

Princess of the GemWorld

********************************************************************************************

Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

GoogleName: GemWorld Fars

Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.msn.com

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silence

silence... in my soul. my advertising agency just told me that two dots at the end of a sentence dont mean anything. its either one or three. u learn something new everything day.

ive been silent for a long time. was too busy to be able to say anything. once u start typing u cant go back to writing in a copy coz u know eventually u'll
have to type it. thats enuff to take the joy out of it. ive been telling people that ive been having dreams that the time has come when all i have to do is think and it converts into words. i cant wait for that time to come. it just proves even further that i am supremely lazy.

i havent been 100% in terms of health. my bilirubin was twice wat it shudve been. went to a liver specialist and he told me that i had gilberts syndrome and one of my enzymes was lazy in clearing out the dead red blood cells. damn. now even my enzymes are lazy. its a system wide error. sigh..nowmyspacebarhasstoppedworking.imgoing.

google happy

on an extremely solid ego trip, i decided to go googling myself to see what cropped up..

so i tried fariha shah... the two things related to me were my old press releases on the Philips website and the following article i had written for NetXpress many years ago on the proliferation of technology in our lives..

 

Technology Sucks

and basically thats it..

i tried "realm of the soul"
i tried "gemworld"
i tried "gemworld fars" AND I HIT THE JACKPOT!

Gemworld Fars combination popped up all my links to my blog, my yahoo profile, my flickr photos... i mean everything..

Basically that means i have been effectively re-christened "gemworld fars" by cyberspace.. or atleast by google.

interesting... from now on my name is GemWorld Fars... lol..

ok .. i'll catch you all later...

 

Princess of the GemWorld

********************************************************************************************

Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

Access from Pakistan for Blogspot  http://www.pkblogs.com/gemworld  

Outside Pakistan just type http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.msn.com

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FLOODED

ok i wrote this like three weeks ago. and now its three weeks later.. but basically the story sounds the same..

 

1st Aug 2006 - Tuesday
______________________

hello world.. i am me.

 

Today karachi is flooded. actually its started getting flooded from saturday onwards.. which is around the time i left the country... and the two days i was gone apparently karachi decided to disappear under the raging seas like Atlantis.. or in this case the monsoon rains..

 

i watched this silly Amanda Bynes movie called Lovewrecked.. i have still retained the ability to actually enjoy mindless romantic comedies even if they have no head or tail.. thank god for small mercies..

 

i had pasta (spinach & cheese ravioli with bolognaise sauce) and minestrone soup at Bella Donna at Mercato. its one of my favorite dinner places.. the foods very nice but the service could use some help.. on the way back ....

__________________________________
18th Aug 2006 - Thursday

 

Many people will remember this as the day karachi was swept away.. people were stranded for hours.. hours and hours and hours.. more than 80mm of rain flooded the streets of karachi.. cars swimmed.. traffic jammed and life came to a standstill.. for 14 unfortunate people.. permanently.

 

120mm of rain in lslamabad and the city doesnt even blink.. less than that in khi is enough to shut the citty down..

 

im in lahore right now.. im supposed to fly back tomorrow night.. i WAS supposed to fly back tonight.. but thankfully that plan changed.. but its unbelievable.

 

the entire city is dug up as it and now it'll just be big holes filled with water. sighhhh...

i went and bought slippers yesterday from Liberty.. lots of pairs of sparkly sitaroun wali slippers.. how will i wear then if the entire city is flooded.. ok bad pet peeve.. but there you have it.

also bought two very very nice and very very fresh looking swiss voile shirt pieces and lovely laces to go with them.. and i am seriously tempted to go back tomorrow and buy one more which i really liked.

 

i am pretty sure my tailor will not be able to come to work after the rains for atleast a week. even then trying to get into kehkeshan centre is a task and a half.. i seriously need knee high galoshes for karachi these days.. and i dont know where to find them..

my friend anie's been on my case to write her a testimonial on orkut.. i havent had time to think really so thats why i havent gotten around to it. i like her.. shes funny.

 

theres so much work to be done all the time. i spoke to a friend of mine recently on whom life had really let loose.. personal & professional upheavals happening continuously unabated for a bloody long stretch.. its enough to make some one black out... i can take one stress inducing factor at a time. it takes too bloody long for me to sort things out in my head..

 

like right now my laptops battery is about to start announcing that its dying and i know that its going to happen.. but i dont want it too and somehow i feel that it lies about the time thats left.. like it say 26 minutes but it'll actually die in about 7.. its irritating. you dont expect your hardware to lie to you.

 

i have alot of presentations to make. i dont like presentations anymore. i dont know what i like anymore. i like shopping. me n anie went to zouk yesterday. she had soup, i had mushrooms, we both shared a farfalle shrimp salad. and a couple of cool passions. i like zouk, but i only like the Seafood chowder. no other soup will do.

 

i keep thinking of abu.. on planes.. in cars... at night.. in the morning... i keep thinking and remembering.. when im away from karachi he seems more alive.. every time i land at karachi airport, when i start reaching the exit doors at the arrivals hall, my eyes start searching for him.. yearning to see his face standing patiently outside the doors.. my steps slow down, unwilling to cross that barrier and face the reality that he wont be standing outside those doors.. i step out forcing myself not to scan the crowds still searching for his presence.. usually the avis guy steps out of the shadows by this time and i just handover the laptop and start walking to the car..

 

its a painful homecoming each time.. takes the whole ride home for the feeling of irreparable loss to subside to a tolerant level..

 

been trying to call my hubby.. but its 1am and he's dropped off to sleep.. i should too.. its a long long day tomorrow. not sure how its going to play out considering karachi's flooded i had serious work that needed to take place between today and tomorrow. lord help us.

 

i saw Lindsey Lohans Just my Luck. cute.. teenage romantic comedy flicks are my favorite. they're no brainers. they take nothing away from you and just give away a fluffy happy feeling at the end of it all. why cant life always be like that.. i'm not one for experiencing all the joys and sorrows of the world.. i'll take the fluffy happiness anyday of the week with or without the candy floss..

 

i love CTC.. that coffee tea & company.. not only do they have the BEST spring rolls (which are ALWAYS sold out).. they are also 24 hrs.. in the process of opening a restaurant... have the ONLY good iced teas served in Pakistan.. and their banana nut muffins are to die for.. love them.. i LOVE CTC.. thats one of the major things i miss about lahore.. actually if they ever came to karachi, it wouldnt be the same cause for me Lahore is all about Liberty dupatta gali great shoes and CTC.. i LOVE CTC... (they should really pay me for all this free publicity).

 

i find myself yearning to fix people up or to force them to realize that true happiness is an elusive pursuit and they must put their best foot forward if any prospects are available that may result in the attainment of said pursuit. somehow most people dont appreciate my doomsday scenario tactics.. especially the part where i use negative reinforcement by stating "and you'll be 30 (or 40 depending on the specimen) soon.. and the clock is ticking".. males and females alike are starting to shun my company since its the only thing i keep bugging them about and im not very subtle about it.

its my most deepest heartfelt desire to fix up two nice people. there are very few nice people in the world. very few nice girls and even fewer nice guyz.. i want to bring them all together.. considering i dont know that many nice girls and guyz, you'd think this would be a piece of cake.. i mean if they are all that doggone nice, they will either just listen to me out of pure niceness and follow all my instructions regarding life and how it should be lived... but unfortunately thats NOT what actually transpires.. the actual play by play includes ego trips, pride attacks, overanalysis and the worst .. "FEAR of Failure.. "

 

those who dont dare.. DONT!

thats the truth in this matter.. i'll be very honest on that count.
my husband dared and hence i'm married..
if he'd been a wus.. i wud've been pushing 40 and still wouldnt have found a realistic match..

I know God has a plan.. and that was my motto till the day i tied the knot..
now i believe that God want us to make an effort towards achieving the end like Abu used to say.
thats the lecture i give and it makes me very happy when it has an effect.
i get depressed when it doesnt.. its like watching a good muffin go to waste... sacrilege!

ok i'm going to sleep now.. i'll see you guyz later.. :)

 

Princess of the GemWorld

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Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

Access from Pakistan for Blogspot  http://www.pkblogs.com/gemworld  

Outside Pakistan just type http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.msn.com

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shocked

16th Jul 06 - Sunday

 

i went to my cbm dhabba on saturday..

i was SHOCKED..

our dhabba wala sold out to some biryani making chap whos tiled the entire dhabba and made it look like a bathroom..
our wonderful unda tamatar making dhabba wala decided to retire and go into the tea making business.. and now he only serves tea to that entire market place.. why .. why ... WHYYYYYYYY..

i will never be able to taste the tastes of my youth... i am soo depressed .. its not even funny.. i still remember the garam garam unda tamatar with green chilies with a hot hot paratha and a doodh patti.. aye haye haye.. ufff.. sawad aa gaya badshahoun..

 

i have searched high and low for the same concoction but once i went to the dhabba near julie khussa ghar (schon circle ) and they told me that we dont make unda tamatar.. we only make omellettes.. salay angraiz pata nahin kahan sey paida ho gaiy..

sorry.. i didnt mean to get all down and dirty but dammit.. my patriotic paindoism has been ignited to red hot fury.. and sadness...

 

sigh... i miss the days of yore.. the things of yore and the people of yore...

 

my day to day existance is exactly that.. day to day.. dammit.. day to day to day till its 20 yrs later and im dead and its all over and no one will know who i was cause all i did was work and sleep.. and work and sleep.. and work and sleep..

 

ive been filling out excel sheets and making powerpoints in my dreams.. i wake up at 4am in the morning cause i suddenly remember deadlines.. my mind is redoing VOs and editing video footage while i'm talking to vendors and negotiating prices..

 

i think this is called burnout.. wheres that stress relief program that sends employees on fully paid forced leave to Rome for a month so they can recoup and add better value to their organizations..

 

Doesnt exist? dammit!... WHYYYYYYYYYY..

________________________________________________________
26th Jul 06 - Wednesday

 

If you tell me i'm a lazy bum, i'll believe you. Its been more than a week since i started writing this blog. the invention of the laptop has made it impossible for me to write anything down on paper when i get hit with inspiration due to which many moments of instrospection pass away with no evidence.. and hence while on the plane recently i decided to write in the back of my notes notebook with a vengeance.

 

******* ive started watching all my movies in planes. It started with the NY Emirates flight early june when i saw 8 movies in a row. I didnt sleep. We'd taken off 8am from dubai and it was a morning flight for me. i saw Aeon Flux(Charlize Theron), The Best Man(Stuart Townsend who happens to be Charlize's boyfriend and Amy something), Cheaper by the dozen(Steve Martin, Bonnie miller & the cute guy from Smallville), Elizabethtown (Kirsten Dunst & Orlando Bloom), Casanova (Heath Ledger and apparently Sienna Miller.. I couldnt recognize her.. the mum however was from Alias).. and some Bridal magazine saving movie with heather graham and some random cute guy. there were a few more but i'll have to nab  the emirates entertainment guide on my next trip to keep track. :)

 

Then i saw Little Manhattan on PIA on the KHI-LHR sector, started seeing Bee Season, but didnt get to the end and the plane landed. Bloody confusing movie waisey.. i didnt get half of it.. Saw Matchpoint (scarlett johansen and the guy from Bend it like beckam .. saw An Unfinished Life with Robert Redford, Morgan Freeman & JLo.. and very very recently saw Yours Mine and Ours with Rene Russo and Dennis Quaid...:) a totally cute Disney romance.. they dont get better than that...

 

Otherwise my staple TV diet these days is Mountain Dew Survivor... I love watching every single transmission of every single episode... it rocks.

 

I remember the joy of discovering movies without really expecting to.. like when i suddenly flicked a channel and came across Butterflies are Free... that was one of Goldie Hawns very first movies.. and i LOVED it.. it was beautiful.. and i also loved Barefoot in the Park.. it was beautiful..

 

Abu loved it too.. he used to rent every single movie under the sun and enjoy every last one..
i love him and miss him sooo much...
he brought me Mary Poppins, The Sound of Music, Jason and the Argonauts.. and he brought me Awara, chori chori, mughal-e-azam, aan... he taped Tanhaiyaans last episode for me.. he watched Thundercats, Thundersub, Voltran and Transformers with me...
i love him... i miss him...

i go now...

 

Princess of the GemWorld

********************************************************************************************

Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

Access from Pakistan for Blogspot  http://www.pkblogs.com/gemworld  

Outside Pakistan just type http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.msn.com

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introspection

there hasnt been a second in a day that i havent thought of abu. every living breathing moment i think of him. i dont know wether i think of him so i dont forget or because i cant forget. i dont want to forget. that would be more painful that remembering..

 

i remember every moment, especially in the last three weeks.. every expression.. every word.. every sigh.. it kills me.. when i think of his face when the first doctor snatched away all hope.. it killed me.. when i saw him staring at the doctors face yearning for a slim wisp of hope and it didnt come.. i wanted to hit the first one..

it killed me when he turned to me in the car after one of his blood tests and told me that we will fight this.. i want to live to see my grand children he said.. i cried tears of blood that day.. because i knew.. but i hoped and i prayed like no one else for a miracle.. i prayed to god to use abu as a miraculous example of his Almightiness but Allah didnt need to prove any thing .. least of all to me..

 

i remember his last breath.. i remember his hope down to the last day.. and i know that his hope was there for our benefit.. he was at peace with himself and his life..

 

i dont think i'll ever stop crying.. i dont know if i can.. i miss him sooo much.. it hurts every day.. every single day..

 

i find myself zoning out in the middle of conversations and my own thoughts.. i start remembering at the slightest provocation.. i keep looking for remnants of his qualities in the people around me.. but no one can measure up to the man that was my father.. he was sweet and soft and yet tough to shelter his family.. he was so well read and so knowledgeable yet he still retained his sense of childlike wonder with everything from a new show on National Geographic to a new software or online service like google earth..

 

he loved me.. unselfishly... for no other reason but because i was me.. he never wanted anything from me except for me to be happy and he gave me soo much.. i cant forget..

 

i wont forget.. and i'll cry every now and then because thats what people do when they suffer an irreparable loss..

 

i feel so self righteous. i expect constant sympathy from everyone around me.. friend or stranger.. i want people on the street to stop and say they are sorry for my loss just so i can stare them in the face and feel numb... im going through every living breathing moment feeling sorry for myself.. i feel so wronged.. and i feel so detached.. sometimes i think this couldnt be happening to me.. things like these always happen to other people.. no one's father just dies in 3 weeks after being healthy all his life..

i keep feeling like i deserve all the sympathy the world has to give and more just because my father was my father and my loss is the worlds loss.. its a loss for those who knew him for they loved him and its a loss for those who didnt because they really missed out on something in their lives and they'll never have a chance to know it now..

 

i was in defence market with ami and at the Bismillah Milk Corner, the sales guy recognized abus car and gave us extra malai because abu always used to get extra for nani.. and as we were leaving this traffic constable pulled up on his motorbike and paid his respects and said that abu was a wonderful man and very very good and always would be helping other people wether he knew them or not... the other day one of the rent a car drivers told me how he and his son used to go to abu when abu was in DHA and how much he helped them...

 

so many people came to us and cried in our home because abu had touched their lives in some way.. it makes him seem more alive when we hear them.

 

i went through another one of my phases where i stared at the streets of new york and just wondered what the hell the purpose of life was all about.. i remembered 1997 when abu ami and i had tripped along all over manhattan and seen the city.. that was abus first international trip... his second and last was to makkah and madina for haj... for a man who loved to travel sooo much.. he only left Pakistan twice.. but he saw the whole world through National Geographic..

 

i feel so scared sometimes because hes gone.. i can feel him when i remember the last days when i hugged him.. in the TV lounge i just put my head on his chest and just held him.. i knew i was making a memory at that time.. i just never thought time was as short as 3 weeks.. no one thought that.. it was unfathomable..

 

i dont know if i'll ever get over this.. if i'll ever be able to go 2 minutes without a glimmer of remembrance for my wonderful wonderful father.. if the rock solid lump in my throat will ever really disappear.. its been 2 months and so far its still there.. sometimes it hurts so much because i cant just burst into tears every where i go.. sometimes.. i wonder if im clinically depressed...

 

i have my wonderful happy moments.. its only when i'm alone that i give in to the waves of sadness that engulf me.. when im around people i draw on their energy to give to me strength.. i actively look for reasons to laugh out loud.. and then i feel guilty about it.. i keep feeling like i should always be sad.. like its the respect i owe to his memory.. but my father told me not to cry after he was gone... he told me to take care of ami and not to cry..

 

i will never stop... i love him and miss him and will always always remember him.. no matter how old i get.. or how busy my life becomes.. my father will always be a sanctuary for me.. his memories will always give me strength inspite of the tears.. there will come a day when i may write about something other than my loss..

 

time is short.. appreciate what you have today...

 

Princess of the GemWorld

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Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

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