Crashdown

Reminds me of Roswell.. i was probably the most avid fan of that show.. the whole super powers phenomenon has appealed to me since i was 5 years old and saw the first super man comic book.. the movies came later and the Super Girl epic.. it was like an epiphany... that year saw me jumping off benches, beds, sofas, (ANYTHING over 3 feet high) with sheets of all shades, colors, shapes and sizes flowing in gay abandon from my shoulders...

This trend would have continued long into the future, except one fine catastrophe filled day, i launched my self off the edge of Johnny mamus bed in the Pink Room in my nanas house and landed smack dab at the feet of my thoroughly bewildered and side splittingly amused cousin.. That day and this day.. i havent jumped off any high places with anything remotely resembling a sheet or cloak... and i'm still living it down..

Maybe some people are just born for continuous embarrassment. I mean i can proudly say that some of the more memorable family stories are all centered around me and my less than proud moments... the day i got lost in the mall at staten island, the day i was swinging the empty swing back n forth and lost both my front teeth to it as it came swinging back ... There are many more moments of glory which are forever ingrained in my familys collective conciousness... sometimes i wish i had the Men in Black memory wiper.. but knowing me i'd prolly turn it on myself and *zonk* there we would be all nice and memory free..

My soul feels empty. I feel empty. Every day i wake up and the world tells me how imperfect i am.. physically... mentally... spiritually... every day i feel attacked on all fronts regarding my deficiencies and my failings.. Its taken me a long time to build up a protective layer around my most vulnerable self and make everything not matter.. the cacophony of accusations and derision no longer pierce my heart and make it bleed...
rather i watch in amazement ... never amusement because i just dont get the joke.. when people lash out at me in hatred and try their darndest to claw and gash my spirit... its incomprehensible the motivation behind their attacks since most of the time i am not even aware of their insignificant existence... like i care ... for the record... "i DONT give a SHIT!" and thats the way its going to stay.

i dont seem to have any time in my life for anything or anyone apart from those i hold dear.. and i have lost my goody two shoes attitude whereby i used to make it a point to keep in touch with everyone and make time for everything and provide the requisite excuses in case i was unable to come through.. i dont have the time or the energy for the whole shebang anymore.. Its not a matter of mere effort.. its a matter of whats important to you and whats not.. and I am well on my way to figuring that out once and for all..

I decided a long time ago that i wasnt going to let anyone hurt me... for whatever reason. Everyone in my life gets one chance. There is no redemption after a fall from grace. Life is too short. Its too short to hurt people and its too short to go around begging for forgiveness. Its too short to waste on forgiving people who have already proven they cant be trusted to keep you happy. There are many stories waiting to be read and many hearts waiting to be explored... dont waste your times with the ones that have been around bleeding for so long they dont know any other way to be.. dont let naturally vicious people bring you down... Fight Back. You will be treated the way you let yourself be treated. And above all Trust in Allah Mian... Dont strike back.

That last statement may seem a bit bizarre... but ive been alive for 26 years now.. and the immense power and divinity of Allah mian is something that can not be underestimated.. There are many times in my life when my rage has been a hairs breadth away from bursting forth and consuming me and everything in my path.. thats when my faith has come to my rescue.. Innalillahi wainnailaihi rajioun... He gives and he takes away... let Allah take your revenge...

Every time i controlled my temper and didnt lash out no matter how rightous it may have been, i was rewarded for my self control in ways i couldnt have fathomed. I try and remember those times. I keep them close to me so that i never forget how He has always come through for me. God works in mysterious ways and it is not for us to question why. It has been a long road to this realization but its one that i would travel all over again if i had to.

Your integrity, honesty and actions are solely your responsibility. No one will answer in your stead on the day of judgement and no one will suffer your fate. Remember that. My nani always says, Nature will always give back to you as good as you give out to the world. If someone does something wrong to someone else, they will pay during their lifetime. Allah wont wait till their 6 feet under. His justice is swift and sure. And it is inevitable.

I went to the Quaid-e-Azam's house to day...
We were taken on the tour by this old chowkidar cum guide. He knew so many little details that made the whole house come alive for us. I walked around in a daze with tears welling up in my eyes as i thought about how Pakistan came into being. About all the sacrifices that were made.. all the blood that flowed.. all the trains that came into the newly born nation filled with nothing but death.. about the patriotism that was there in every child in our parents generation.. and i wanted to cry..
"yun di humain azadi .... keh duniya hui hairaan...
aay quaid-e-azam.. tera ehsaan hai ehsaan... " ... this song was resonating through my mind because khala and ami used to sing it in their school and they used to tell us.. These words are symbolic, because it was a miracle that Pakistan came into existence.. it was a miracle that wowed the world because no one thought the subcontinent would ever be split. Blood flowed freely then... it flowed freely in 1965 and again in 1971. My nani lost two brothers in the airforce.. Many lost fathers, brothers, uncles... loved ones... And today it all stands forgotten... in this time of superficial peace... when even today lives are given in the defence of this nation in remote locations like siachin and kargill... and civilians sit there and criticize the army for eating its tax rupees... There is NO price for blood. And unless you have the guts to don a uniform and live each day knowing tomorrow you may have to lay down your life in the defense of your nation... keep your mouth shut.

The soil of this country is colored with the blood of its people and this generation of children doesnt even give a flying f*****. The only reason i am aware of the heritage of this nation is because my dada's and father and mother kept telling me the stories, kept sharing the true history ... the one thats sorely and completely missing from all the history and text books. We've lost the old songs.. we've lost the old patriotim. Gone are the days when "jeevay jeevay pakistan" "mein bhi pakistan houn tu bhi pakistan hai" "sohni dharti allah rakhay qadm qadm abad tujhay" ... used to resonate on PTV and on radio.. and our hearts and minds.. now the rhythm is faint... and distant.. and has more recognition in Turkey than in Pakistan anymore..

There are people residing in this country who would work against it. Who question the wisdom of ever having it brought into existence... there are many who criticize but do nothing to correct.. simply because they dont give a shit.. I quell my rage from overflowing.. but my tears flow freely ... i love this country.. but theres an overwhelming sense of impotence in trying to change its people ... such a large majority is such shit.. from the rural masses focused on mere survival and aiding the population growth to the urban masses consumed with furthering their own agendas and lining their coffers...
Let any man try to change things for the slightly better and there will be ten to pull him down.. its like the famous Pakistani well in hell joke..

But i KNOW good people.. i KNOW people who can make a difference... I know good, law abiding, loving, honest people.. and i KNOW that if these people toss their passive attitudes to the wind and take responsibility for their country like they do in their personal and professional lives.. there will be a revolution in which all the opposing forces that are trying to hurt this land and its people will be blown to smithereens...
Those people are you.
Every last one of you.
You are the change.
You are the tomorrow.
You are the hope.

And you need to take your head out of the sand of your 9 to 5 existence and wake up and speak out. You need to hit the books and study where we came from. And you need to plan out where we should be going.
We as the next generation.. have reached the stage where the responsibility will soon be taken away from the over 60 year olds that are currently running the country and handed down to the next in line.. Thats us.. and we are not prepared.

Times running out. I want to have a country that hits a century of existence. I want to have a country. period.

Ive run out of words.... gnite..

Princess of the GemWorld


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I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
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