nano

life is sad sometimes. the lights about to go any minute. my hubbys sleeping downstairs and my daughters sleeping upstairs.. my nano passed away on the 31st of May. my baby turned one on the 28th and nano passed away 3 days later. she was fine when i left. then she slipped and fractured her hip. the surgery was very well done but then they gave her a pain killer which reacted with her, her blood pressure dropped and her heart came to a standstill. i didnt realize how much it hurt until i got back and walked in to her room and realized she wasnt lying on her bed anymore. i broke down and cried and cried and cried. before i'd left i had gone to her room. she'd been lying in bed and i told her i was going to see khala.. she asked me how long... i said 3 weeks.. my heart was feeling funny.. i'd never been away for so long in the recent past. nano would always ask when ever i was leaving the house "wapas kab aaye gi?" and "kahan jaa rahi hai? kyun jaa rahi hai :) reh ja" :) my hubby would always smile cause she always looked for him when she used to say "reh ja" :) this time she heard 3 weeks and she just said "khair nal ja, khair nal aa"... i have a feeling she had a feeling... ami had already had nana and abu come in her dreams a month back and she had a deep sense of foreboding.. but when it happened it was so quick. so sudden.. we didnt have time to think... i am so thankful that Allah Mian made sure she was completely healthy and walking around and in full control of all her faculties down to her last days. she wouldnt have liked it otherwise. my nani was adorable. she used to bang the glass on the table when she wanted more Diet 7up.. she used to purposely refuse to talk and instead point at things on the dining table forcing you to play a guessing game :) we used to strike back and say "no you say it and then we'll pass it :) baatein karein hum say" so she used to retort "kya baatein karoun.. mein koi tauta (parrot) houn".. she constantly referred to my daughter in the masculine :) saying "yeh kya kar raha hai.. yeh to mota hai mota :)" in a sing song voice.. and every time we used to correct her she used to say "mujhay pata hai" in an angry tone :).. when i was small.. she used to comb & brush my hair till it shone and then braid it into two plaits with the loveliest of ribbons that she had collected for so long.. she made the best pulao.. finger lickin good.. the best chicken qorma.. the best suji ka halwa.. she made the best everything... and her aaloo gosht was to die for.. she was the worlds best cook.. now my mum is the worlds best cook.. she raised 5 children.. not the easiest bunch of kids to raise :) according to the stories they have told us themselves of their childhood and the mischiefs they used to get upto. but she was always a force to be reckoned with.. she had dreams about the future that were as clear as day.. once she dreamt the car had been stolen.. nana & the family had been on a tour and they had the car stolen that day :) they found it by nightfall or the next day.. once after getting married she dreamt she was shaking hands with the king .. her brothers made lots of fun of her.. :) a while later nana was sent to England by the army and they were invited to a dinner where she shook hands with the King of England.. She saved that invitation and sent it to her brothers later :) one day when she was older and living with us post nana's passing away, she woke up in the morning and said "someone's passed away".. we were very scared because one of our family's elders had been in the hospital, but we called and they were fine.. just a few hours later we got news that one of my chachijans had completely unexpectedly passed away.. it was the most shockingly sad event... i think nano had a direct line of communication to Allah mian.. May Allah keep her safe in Heaven and allow nana and nani to be together in heaven in a lovely home and allow us all to find places close to our loved ones once we pass into the everafter.. inshAllah... Princess of the GemWorld ******************************************************************************************** Fariha's Thoughts of the Day: GoogleName: Fariha GemWorld Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.live.com/

a history of my blog

i was depressed the other day and i went googling my name on  the web... i do that to give my existence some substance every now and then.. while i know my "google name" is "fariha gemworld".. but sometimes i just like seeing what else is out there and just google "fariha"..

 

so i came across farsQuest which is another fariha and she was talking about her fathers bday on april 1st. i think all farihas are inherently happy.. its because our name means happy..

 

but sometimes as ive said before in my blog numerous times, happiness comes at the cost of numbness.. you just refuse to acknowledge certain things in life.. the down side is you start forgetting alot in your efforts not to remember ..

 

i looked back today on some of the aprils gone by... april 2004 was the first one.. the one where i'd just moved to lahore.. and our wee small office had just 24 ppl in it.. My life as an office was one of the most hilarious blogs and even now i get a smile on my face when i go through it...

 

April 2005 was just me venting for one reason or the other... it was right before i was getting married so i guess the stress factor was a little on the high side..

 

april 2006 my father passed away & life came to a standstill...

 

After that ive just spent all my time missing him ... so much so that there isnt an april 2007..

 

circle of life :)..

 

Cheerios

 

Princess of the GemWorld

 

 

********************************************************************************************

Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

GoogleName: Fariha GemWorld

Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.live.com/

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in remembrance of my father

today is april 11th.. 2 years to the day my father passed away on 12 rabiulawwal in 2006.. it had been a quiet day. i'd gotten to the LNH hospital room where he had insisted on spending the night at around noon.. the night before he had been instructing the attendant chap on how to clean the air conditioning filter to optimize electricity usage.

 

khala & johnny mamu & shahid mamu had just finished feeding him a nice home cooked meal.. i had brought home made chinese but he had just finished eating & looked happy.. but he'd started fading in and out. and he knew it.. he called me over.. asked about china.. told me to look after ami.. asked me to tune the TV to national geographic.. asked about the DHA papers.. and finally slipped into a sleep by around 2pm.. i heard him breathing.. it was labored.. i prayed as i sat there on the sofa next to the bed.. and then after some time i felt as if i couldnt hear him breathing any more.. i went over to check with trepidition and leaned close and suddenly he took a breath ... but it was like he took it in ... but i thought it was ok.. and he was fine.. and i sat back down..

 

that was my fathers last breath ...

 

i had witnessed the end of my fathers circle of life and i will always cherish and be grateful to Allah mian for how peaceful he made abu's passing.. i will always be grateful that i was there with him.. i will always be grateful for every living breathing moment i had with him.. and i will never ever ever forget abu.. i love him forever and always...

 

as did so many others.. i pray to Allah mian that i get to be with abu in heaven even if its a different level.. im trying to live my life with positivity & joy and to make sure that i do all thats right so i can have a chance of having my father with me once again..

 

i love you abu.. forever and always...

 

fariha

********************************************************************************************

Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

GoogleName: Fariha GemWorld

From Pakistan: http://www.pkblogs.com/gemworld

Int'l : Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.live.com/

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resolutions

Todays the 23^rd of March – Pakistan resolution day. It feels like a good day. Lazy Sunday. Except I have strat plan to work on. I've done the thinking and made the drafts, now its time for the re-drafting and the data to start talking.

 

It's a nice day… we had chicken qorma & sheermal for lunch which is like my dream lunch always.. and ami had made some soufflé type bread pudding which was out of this world.. especially the roasted almonds she'd sprinkled on top.. yummmm..

 

I get very excited about food. That's the one thing I ALWAYS get excited about. Its wonderful.. being able to get excited about something that's so satisfying on so many levels.

 

24^th of March, Monday 2008

 

And so a whole day went by.. I just had aalo matar gajar ki bhujia on a toasted toast… I LOVE toaster ovens. They have the power to make anything taste fresh and crunchy. Wayyy better than microwaves. I generally love life. I think it's a grand old thing.

 

I hope & pray that Allah mian continues to bless us all.. have to shuttle between cities again tomorrow morning.. did I mention work never ends J I think I did..

 

Anyway.. its hot. And theres no electricity .. sigh sigh…

 

Catch you guyz later..

 

Cheerios

 

Princess of the GemWorld

********************************************************************************************

Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

GoogleName: Fariha GemWorld

From Pakistan: http://www.pkblogs.com/gemworld

Int'l : Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.live.com/

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sunny side up

My dad always used to say "work never ends, you have to have the self discipline to put it aside for the day and focus on your family".

 

he was right. no matter how much you do.. it NEVER ends.. i can make calls and send emails from morn till night and even into the middle of the night (which i have done) but it still goes on.

 

sigh sigh sigh :) what to do..

 

Karachi is in full blown spring.. its got the sun scorching the pavements.. the sky is a dusky blue. I can hear the sounds of hammers and shovels from the construction going on outside. The sun is lightly filtering in through my vertical  blinds. I hate the mouse pad on my laptop. Every time I am typing it suddenly lands the mouse cursor somewhere else and it is so IRRITATING..

 

And I'm hungry again. Can you imagine.. I'm always hungry.. these days I was trying to do this low carb diet regime which essentially involves getting rid of rice and roti.. apart from that I can have everything.. and no refined carbs .. so no pasta and white bread also.. I love Nandos because of that.. I eat as many peri bites as I can and now that they've launched their steak thingy, I love it even more.. didn't like having to handle all the bones in the chicken..

 

And the new love of my life is hummous.. I LOVE hommous.. I go to BBQ 2nite and I order hummous without any olive oil and cucumber and lettuce leaves and I eat and eat and eat.. and I love the white chicken karahi as I mentioned earlier..

 

I have always been very food centric :) cant help it .. small joys :)…

 

I wanted to see Enchanted and National Treasure Book of Secrets..  but apparently if a movie is on at the Cineplex, they don't release it on DVD here.. that was funny :( I'm not happy about that.. I really wanted to see a good romantic comedy and Enchanted not only has McDreamy in it, its also got James Marsden who I adore.. :)

 

Ok.. me off now.. let me think of what to eat next…

 

Cheerios

 

Princess of the Gemworld

 

********************************************************************************************

Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

GoogleName: Fariha GemWorld

From Pakistan: http://www.pkblogs.com/gemworld

Int'l : Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.live.com/

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fascination

ive always loved talking to myself. i guess thats what this blog is now.. my dialogue with myself.. no one else comes here anymore.. they all gave up on me and moved on long ago.. so now its just me and my semi-headache.. i dont know why i have this headache. i slept in the afternoon. and i thought it was a great bit of sleep. expecially since i was very very sleepy after having stuffed my self full of white chicken karahi at BBQ 2nite.

i've been a very lazy person when it comes to the personal side of my life. :) i wont get into the gory details.. but lets just say i got a long overdue hair cut this morning and thats just the tip of the iceberg..

kids grow really fast.. literally in the blink of an eye.. its unbelievable. and fascinating... it takes up alot of time but its still a lovely experience. tiring though...

i havent had time to think. i feel like an octopus juggling EVERYTHING :) i know there will soon be a time when i look back in wonder & amazement at how i managed to do it all... hopefully there wont b any regret.. i havent had time to feel any yet..

Taare zameen par was an amazing movie... the song "maa" is a heartbreaker.. i love it... i love my mother.. meri maa :) shes a character.. we both miss abu sooo immensely. every minute of every day.. its incessant.. a deep gaping hole that we cant ever fill.. we just loved him soo much.. his second barsi will be here soon.. i cant believe it.. i still remember every minute & every second of the last few days... the great part is i also remember all the great years since i was born... i love abu... & i love ami...
i like being back.. me, myself & my blog world :)

cheerios
Princess of the GemWorld



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I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright © Fars - FS 2004 to inifinity

legacy

ok so im opinionated. i know what i want sometimes. i have my dreams and i imagine
things to happen in a certain way. that certain way spells happiness for me. when
i face impediments in the way, especially unexpected ones, it disturbs me.. shakes up
my dreams and makes me unhappy.

im not a happy person when im unhappy. its an un-natural state for me. conversely
its the only state in which i feel like writing. the weather seems to reflect my
mood. they've got the Hudson on a tornado watch from 2:30pm to 6pm. the clouds are
rolling in.

the day was beautiful in the morning. perfect temperature with lots of breeze and
rustling leaves.. its 3:28pm right now and we can hear the thunder roll in the
distance as the sky gets darker and darker..

we did alot of cooking today. me and khals made mixed veggies with loads of masala
that we found in the freezer.. we made qeema with shimlay ki mirch.. we plonked in
Rivaj ka karahi gosht masala that we found in the freezer :) and then added
tomatoes and lemon pepper and salt.. and we made boneless chicken with corn in
Rivaj shahi korma masala with dahi and tomatoes and lots of other stuff and it all
turned out deliciously. frozen most of it and the some we will have tonight for
dinner.

i dont get that hungry here. i have to remind myself to continue drinking water
because its not hot most days and you dont get that hungry. must be careful though
on the water front. since the morning ive had a bowl of cereal at 11am when i woke
up and thats it. then i had some almonds just now.

the wind picked up and blasted across the back lawn that faces the river.. we ran
and closed all the windows. the rain came down like sheets for about 5 minutes and
now its slowed down to a drizzle. Thank God.. its a good sign and maybe the
tornado is not a problem anymore.

Khals is playing with itty bitty Aliya now.. shes adorable. very peaceful baby.
only yells when shes hungry and then she just wants to lie down and sleep. shes
started opening her eyes and staring at everyone now.. she has beautiful sleet
grayish bluish eyes right now. Asi's hoping she gets her dads green eyes :)

on Monday me and khals went to Manhattan. My first excursion beyond briarcliff
since i got here. it was niiice. we went shopping to the Nokia store and then i
went to Serendipity3 and had their Frrozen Hot Chocolate. i was expecting some
magical concoction of Hot and Cold all at the same time.. thinking back to 1984 i
remember once Asi's chacha took us for Hot Fudge Sundaes and that was amazing..
Hot fudge and cold icecream.. this wasnt the same. this was actually frozen hot
chocolate with a huge dollop of whipped cream on the top. But hey i had their
famous patented desert, and the best part was i got a table immediately since i was just one person and there wasnt that much of a rush. :) yippee.. you can see a picture of the famous desert over here http://www.serendipity3.com/ . it spans the SEDIP of the over all wordart :)

Anyway after that we went towards Grand Central again.. i'd already had my kosher hot dog of the day.. and we found halal chicken with rice and had that at the GCT. it was interesting. i felt the chicken should have been cleaned more.. but thats my mums legacy:). i brought the remainder home and cleaned it and kept it for a future sandwich.. which i have yet to make. its 4:19pm and i still havent eaten anything since breakfast. i think its the plethora of choices that makes one ambivalent.

i think about abu alot. i always have. i dont i will ever stop. hes always a flickr of a thought away. i had the most honorable wonderful loving man to call my father.. i am my fathers daughter and my fathers son. his legacy will not die with me.. it will continue through my children. they will carry his stamp and they will remember his goodness and learn to instill that in themselves. i know hes watching over us and especially me. i know how much he loves me. i hope Allah mian is keeping him busy in heaven making improvements to everything.. thats what abu loved doing.. continuous improvement of everything around him from the system of governance to the small things around the house to my marketing strategies :)

i love him. i miss him. i will never stop remembering him. and my children will know who their nana was and why he was so wonderful. his legacy will continue..

soft and steady rain now... i love rain.. i love cloudy days.. i love life.. i will fight to live it in the best way possible. I pray to Allah mian to protect my loved ones and all our homes and children.. let us all be blessed..

Princess of the GemWorld


********************************************************************************************
Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:
GoogleName: Fariha GemWorld
From Pakistan: http://www.pkblogs.com/gemworld
Int'l : Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com
MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.live.com/

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AC's in Office

Our Lahore office is HOT. i mean you start walking around and i atleast start sweating. And this without any heating being on..

 

Me n Emkay have started turning on the AC in our glass box to keep from melting away into mush. sigh sigh... then it gets too cold.. and the vent is right on top of my half of the glass box so guess who gets the brunt of the cold north wind..

 

i've been re-reading my Enid Blyton collection... just read The Enchanted Wood, The Magic Faraway Tree and The Folk of the Faraway Tree. It was delicious... the land of goodies, the land of take what you want, the land of tea parties, the land of treats, The land of birthdays, oh joy oh joy... i loved going back to all those places again... now im reading the Wishing Chair, The Wishing Chair Again & The Wishing Chair Adventures.. its not as much fun as the Enchanted wood series... a little bit more of trouble and tension.. but its nice as well..

 

Also i go to Sunday bazaar every week trying to located my lost collection of Enid Blyton that got lost when i lost my crate of booksies all those years ago.. sighh...

 

I miss abu.. his face flashes before my eyes all the time... his strong jaw.. his eyes.. his smile.. i miss him so much.. i consciously stop myself from thinking too much about him not being there anymore... so it always feels like he's still here... i cant believe he'll never hold my child in his arms.. i cant believe it wont be him saying the azaan in its ears.. what am i going to do without him..

 

i feel numb sometimes and sometimes i feel like reaching out and hugging the world.. i miss my friends... we're all so busy all the time.. its always nice to meet up with sara.. its like being back in college...

 

the ultimate irony for both me and fais is that both our best friends have gotten married and are off to greener pastures.. its seriously unsettling.. like being set adrift in a stormy sea and having to reach out to unfamiliar floating twigs to try to stabilize yourself...

 

sighh... Lahore is great... it ws foggy when we landed.. i ran into someone i had worked with when Als and i had done the very first internship of our lives in 95 in SCB.. after 12 years... can you imagine.. life really moves on and just carries you along with it..

 

its kinda lovely that way.. i have soo many little little things to take care off on saturday... DACC bills to pay, earings to pick up, NADRA to visit, DHA, PIA, Registrars, darzi, state bank... sighhhh.... i like having a to do list, but it can be overwhelming sometimes, when you basically have only one working day to get it all done and a supremely sleepy hubby..

 

:) oh well.. how does readers digest put it.. All in a day's work ...

Cheerios

 

Princess of the GemWorld

********************************************************************************************

Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

GoogleName: Fariha GemWorld

From Pakistan: http://www.pkblogs.com/gemworld

Int'l : Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.live.com/

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I want to do nothing.

 

i want to be a nothing.

 

i want to cease to exist as an entity that requires food and nourishment or has responsibilities.

 

I want to be free of any sense of urgency, or stress.

 

i want to do nothing.

 

i want to just live... and die.

 

i want to go to heaven in the end.

 

i dont think thats an unreasonable request.

 

If i do nothing, i cant do anything wrong. hence everything would be right.. which equates to heaven.

 

i want to go to heaven and be with abu and thats it.

 

i want to do nothing else.

 

i am done.

 

i have nothing further i want to do.

 

except see rome. but i can live without that if i have to. i'll see it from above the clouds after im in heaven with abu. aerial views are better anyway.

 

i am tired now. i feel old and worn out. mentally and physically. i can keep deluding myself into thinking theres more to life and living, but it would be a delusion.

 

i am done. enough. now i want to do nothing.

 

but i want my data files, a computer and an internet connection. i guess thats not quite nothing.

 

why am i such a paradoxical being?
do i like confusing people?
do i derive some kind of sadistic pleasure out of it?

 

im not a sadistic person. i just want to do nothing. i'd like to exist in a bubble.
which never bursts. is that too much to ask?

 

i just want to feel protected and secure and at ease and safe and at peace.

 

i can be happy that way. i have nothing left to prove or any desire to prove it.

 

i know im good. i know im fragmented. its a legacy from abu. we have thought progression at the speed of light. i believe they call it ADT in todays fancy terms. Attention Deficit Disorder. i have a medical condition that has been officially diagnosed in other parts of the world. Here they call it being de-focused. or disrespectful.

 

i miss abu. my sanctuary. my safe haven from all the wrongs. my definition of all thats right. i could hug him and life would be filled with sunshine and daisies.. and everything would be hunky dory..

 

i dont want anything now. i dont want recognition and progression and success. i need money for meeting sustenance needs, but Allah mian should direct wire transfer that to my bank account.

 

i want to do nothing.

 

The end.

 

Princess of the GemWorld

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Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

GoogleName: GemWorld Fars

Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.msn.com

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cold days and hot showers

KHi is fine. in my estimation its still cold. im trying to be regular in my aerobic classes. run into soofia there sometimes. it'll take me atleast 10 years before i can even dream of being that fit.

 

i keep looking forward to piping hot water in the shower. when i go to LHR i usually loose all interest in showering at all. too damn cold. its a good thing most of trips one day trips. ive been eating smoked chicken and smoked cheese that i had brought over for me from dubai. i have a sandwich of that every day, twice a day. other wise i just had a bun kabab.. well half a bun kabab that my receptionist had bought for lunch. he had an extra one. :)

 

i went to sunday bazaar this sunday and bought two chicken suits, peach and pink. i called sara if she wanted to come but her cute little one had the flu systems so she was tending to him. so i went home to amis, had qeema sawaiyaan and then went to sunday bazaar with them. i had a plate of dahi bara with aaloo and chutney yumm.. i find myself craving dahi bara aaloo papri chat all the time. the other day i went to aerobics and on the way back i made faisal stop at chatkharey and i had that.

 

my legal troubles are in full swing. ive sent all the paperwork and am following up diligently with both citibank and union which is now standard chartered. geez. lets see if they end up taking me to court over this. life can only get so interesting yes.

 

i hate credit card companies. but i so far like Alfalah. They have been very good to me so far and their service is very good.

 

still doing the regular DHA & DAD works follow ups. Its a good thing i have a job and am not strapped for cash to put food on the table everyday. otherwise legal process takes a lifetime. 

 

sigh sigh.. i like cold weather but somehow im feeling colder than usual these days and thats not fun. 

 

ok.. catch you guyz later. ive lost interest and have nothing more to say. 

 

cheerios

Princess of the GemWorld 

 

 

********************************************************************************************

Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

GoogleName: GemWorld Fars

Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.msn.com

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