Thursday, March 10, 2005

i thought life was perfect

but it never is really.. theres always a dose of reality sneaking about round a corner.. and it hits you as hard as falling 165ft and striking the placid surface of a lake at breakneck speed.

the day is very very nice.. its soft and gray with a cloud cover and a soft drizzle and the last of the winter chill waiting to bid us adieu..

i can hear birds outside inspite of my permanently clogged ears. Im worried about my ears. I feel i shall be saying the same statement when i'm 50 with a hearing capacity not worth mentioning. As it is im difficult to converse with. its an experience that requires alot of patience.

I have a headache. somehow i feel ... fat. no wise ass quips now. its a serious issue. i feel very... shall we say... unfit. theres a polite word for you. And somehow i cant be pushed to do much about it. dammit. sigh. ugh.

I think i miss the ocean. Smelly as it is. i Miss it. i hate the way the sand creeps into your air, the way the sea breeze whips your locks around till they look like a tangled broom. i really dont have much to say about the world at large right now.

I am idealistic. I always have been. I view the world through the lenses of illusion, always hoping against hope that perfection as i would perceive it does exist in this world. Whether i am disappointed or not is not the question. What matters is that i believed in the first place.

I dont think ambition is necessarily a good thing. I believe it holds people back from being happy in the moment. They start living for the future, for how rosy it shall be someday and in the process make every today a bleak unfulfilled reality. Its sad.

I think i'm a contradiction in terms. I can plan out things as dumb as the color of my room 5 years into the future but nothing that actually matters. Because that scares me. I need tea and cookies. I need to mindlessly munch on my soggy solitude. sighhhhh....

ahhhh... sigh ... sweet bliss... rush of mini endorphins... *blank smile on face... suddenly life seems good again...

uh oh.. i think i'm addicted to carbohydrates and caffiene... heheh..

the sun just came out. Its falling softly againt the blinds in my cell block window :) It really looks like one of those cell block windows. lol.. its like 2ft in height and 4 ft in width.. they mustve jailed something here before me :)..

i dont like the sun somehow.. i dunno... i like me though... i think.. sometimes when i dont know me too well.. i like me.. then i remember me the way i am.. its a rude awakening.. sigh sigh...


Every now and then
We find a special friend
who never lets us down...

Who understands it all
reaches out each time we fall
you're the best friend i have found...

I know you can't stay
a part of you will never ever go away
your heart will stay.....

I'll make a wish for you,
and hope it will come true,
if life will just be kind,
to such a gentle mind,
if you lose your way,
think back on yesturday
remember me this way,
remember me this way.

I don't need eyes to see
the love you bring to me,
no matter where I go
and I know that you'll be there
forever-more a part of me and everywhere
I'll always care.....

I'll make a wish for you
and hope it will come true,
if life will just be kind,
to such a gentle mind,
and if you lose your way
think back on yesturday
remember me this way,
remember me this way.

and I'll be right behind your shoulder,watching you
I'll be standing by your side, all you do
and I won't ever leave
as long as you believe,
you just believe....

I'll make a wish for you
and hope it will come true
if life will just be kind
to such a gentle mind
and if you lose your way
think back on yesturday
remember me this way
remember me this way.
o.....
this way.(Remember Me This Way, Jordan McNight)

Theres this relatively new band.. i think theyve been around for a year now.. and i really liked this song too..

"Perfect"

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect (Perfect, Simple Plan)

take care all
Princess of the GemWorld

*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright © Fars - FS 2004

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

glitter

sometimes i feel overwhelmed by my own planning.. i am a compulsive TTD list maker.. for the layman thats "Things To Do".. if you have a therapist they will tell you that TTD lists are peoples way of making themselves feel selfimportant and useful. the more items you have, obviously the more work you do.. the more ticks you have on the list, the higher your rate of achievement... and if you think im going to make any disparaging remarks about the TTD lists.. dream on babe.. i LIVE by them..

I love the rush of adrenaline when i get to TICK... TICK TICK TICK... its like a small dose of prozac.. ahhh sweet accomplishment... ahhhh... :) sometimes i just put things like "Buy Soap" and feel soooo happy when i accomplish it... :) sighhhhh... life is truly complete at that moment...

Theres so much happening in life all around me that i dont know where to start. there was a time when i used to have a daily chronicle of everything that transpired in daily existence.. however i have noticed that the time i was MOST diligent in recording my escapades was when i didnt really have any to write about.. i have had pages and pages filled with TV show dialogues (War of the Worlds, Sydney, Mash) and its hilarious.. i love re-reading them cause those were massively happy, hair-not-white times.. and i miss those dammit... I think i have 15 white hair now.. sighhh... age creeps up on you without so much as a by-your-leave.. its sad. it should be taught some manners. humph..

i want a tissue ka lehnga... i cant find nice tissue here... i saw really nice tissue in all these magazines but apparently its all from across the border.. sigh.. i love shiny sparkly stuff :) glitter glitter sparkle sparkle.. i'm the kind of person who would use glitter glue to seal official mail..

Maybe i can get a glittery paint for my room... oh WOW.. that'll be the coooolest.. i leeeoouuuvve glittery shiny sparkly stuff... yessirree do..
:)

cheerios
Princess of the GemWorld
*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright © Fars - FS 2004

Monday, March 07, 2005

repetition

i get a strong sense of deja vu sometimes.. no relation to the coffee shop..

its weird. sometimes . right in the middle of a ****load of work suddenly the earth stops spinning on its axis, mind shuts down and thought enters a suspended reality.. everything becomes fuzzy and you get kinda lost in the moment...

Thats when i usually order a piping hot cup of tea and some ... ahem.. chocolate chip cookies and munch in a quiet pensive manner brooding over the vastness of the universe and shortness of deadlines.. its an art... staring into space while munching on a soggy cookie... you have to attune all your senses into that one moment.. it requires focus and dedication.. to shut down all other sensations except for that hot tea n cookies experience bursting upon your taste buds... hmmm.. i should skip dinner..

Its all superficial.. the world at large. i know some people who make it all worthwhile though :) its beautiful... i laugh so hard sometimes i can double over with stitches in my tummy and all about the most innocuous things.. which is amazing... it lightens the tonne of bricks i feel resting on my shoulder blades.. :) may we all be blessed with such friends and colleagues.. i truly believe i am blessed MashAllah.. May Allah continue to bless us all..

Life goes full circle i heard... i think it means life & death... its so cliched isnt it.. of course theres a beginning and an end.. and everything in between.. but theres no finality to life... there are just the moments we live in... and we should push ourselves to the limit in finding the joy in those.. its easy to walk around with a frown on your face growling at everything in your path.. but its downright fabulous to make the effort and bounce around with a smile on your face and really make the world sparkle all around you.. now THAT's something.

I'm tired.. :) but its ok.. sometimes tired is a different kind of fun..

cheerios
Princess of the GemWorld


*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright © Fars - FS 2004