caramel machiatos

I am struggling. Within myself and without. I am struggling to find the peace. The peace I think I once had. I cant even remember what it felt like. My hands feel dry. All the time. The keyboard seems surprisingly soft and clicky. I have too much to think of yet my mind is comfortably numb. This because my daughter was wearing a Pink Floyd tshirt in the morning. On the whole flight everyone kept referring to her as a boy. I didn't correct them. she misses me now. She cries when I leave the day care room and gets these biiiig huge tears rolling down her cheekies. She's a big drama. I love her sooo much.. its weird. This itty bitty little thing that tugs on your heartstrings. I have forgotten what it feels like to write and to feel. I feel zonked and zombied. Mostly my fault. I went to Sunday Bazaar yesterday in an attempt to feel. The weather was great. It was balmy, cloudy, breezy.. and I walked through the stalls lined with books trying to find something that would make me feel inspired. Felt woozy. I think still recovering from my 5 day long fever. And then I found a silly historical and everything came back in a rush. The good old days. The silly romance novels. The chais and the coffees.. and I bought it and held on to it like it could give me life again. Very silly.. Then I walked around some more trying not to think and feel but just to breathe. Trying to breathe in a bit of life.. trying to touch it and see what it meant. And then my mind slowly started opening up again. I started feeling a little. Seeing a little. Hearing a little. I think my ears were congested. But the ears opening up really helped. Then we went to Aghas. After a long time. We put Raiyna in the front of the cart with her legs dangling out under the handle bars and I bought garlic & herb cheese, banana nut bread, quaker oats in three flavors. & I suddenly felt good again. After spending 1000 bucks on frivolities. Went to khala's. told Jabbar to make aaloo key pakoras and made me some toasted toast with the garlic and herb cheese spread and had a lovely scrumptious, delumpcious, mouth watering, downright scrumplicious tea with pakoras. I can eat pakoras like theres no tomorrow. I think I need to seriously evaluate my priorities in life. I am feeling tired and weak after my week long illness. It was very debilitating. Haven't been unwell for a very long time and didn't like the way it felt. Got some very bad news recently. A colleagues sister in law passed away from cancer last week. She was only 25. an only child and had been married for a year. The news just leaves you feeling breathless. It is so tragic, sad and seems so senseless. Its unfathomable. And it just brings home, how fragile life is and how unpredictable and how nothing matters except loving your loved ones and living each day as fully as possible. I think I'm still reeling with depression. It made me feel very small and very unsure of life and myself and I worried and worried and became sadder and sadder. Then I called up Geitee.. my fortress of solitude. And we talked. And every time I think of her I think of sitting on her bed with a cup of tea and just feeling all the bad stuff fall away. She made me feel safe and happy everytime. Her positive energy is so wonderful. And we will always have Pattisserie Valerie and English scones with clotted cream now. Damn I loved those. 7 pounds well spent. I miss her all the time. Shes like English scones and clotted cream on a wonderful English summers day. May Allah mian always keep us in each others lives. So now I feel better. But still lacking in the honesty that was prevalent before. There seems to be so much to protect oneself from. So much that must remain within. Especially the insecurities and the depression because not everyone understands. Not every one wants to be burdened. Even me. I love to laugh when everyones laughing but who wants to cry anyway. Though I don't wear mascara but its such a draining experience. I wonder how my daughter does it with such gay abandon. Big fat tear drops. Drama. J I bee off. I try to drown this unnatural sorrow in food and physical sustenance. May Allah protect my country and give our people some sense of right & wrong. Did I mention I love caramel machiatos from starbucks.. I do! I need an international trip or a visit to Gloria Jeans… Princess of GemWorld ******************************************************************************************** Fariha's Thoughts of the Day: GoogleName: Fariha GemWorld Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.live.com/