Is it new because i just got my new laptop today?... probably...
Just flew in from home and same straight to work..
my back muscles are bunching up with travel stress and the remnants of a night not well slept...
but otherwise im ok..
once again i revisited my past... my present... and the future i refuse to plan for...
once again i battled the age old premises which drive societal thought...
once again i went up against the "we care what everyone thinks" with my personal "i care what God thinks and its between him and me"
once again i felt the futile taste of failure as i realized my life would need to be one apart from the mainstream hordes blindly following the masses...
.... and once again i felt alone.. as i stood alone on the cliff of my own superiority complex with my mums sarcasm softly floating by as her voice reminded me i thought i was above the rest of humanity ... on a higher plane...
It gets lonely up here... surrounded only by my own headstrong notions of life as i see it.. of what i believe it stands for.. of what i believe it should be... my uncompromising stance in the pursuit of perfect happiness leaves those i love lagging behind in the dust as i surge ahead hoping to outrun negativity, sadness, stress and the world.. if they cant catch me they cant make me succumb to their way of life and living.. i will not break..
and i will not bend.. and no one will have the strength to withstand the force of my existance..
Existential angst takes on a whole new meaning.. as your stomach churns in an overwhelming feeling of helplessness in the face of the pulsating hordes of humanity... and you stare wide eyed at the wave of recriminations surging your way because you dare to question what is the norm.. because you dare to cause a ripple on the dead calm lake of superficial serenity... while underneath the surface the pirahnas wait for fresh blood... and because you make a stand and say the truth as you feel it.. in all its selfish reality... "It's my LIFE!" and i will live it... with my own mistakes and sorrows and my own ecstasy and joy...
i wont share my sorrows with you so you dont have to worry and i will consume my joy alone as well.. theres nothing worse then living your life in a cage of someone else's making... theres nothing worse than not being able to breath in God's world when its filled with air.. people at large want to slowly dribble water to the ground in front of your parched eyes but would condemn you to rotting hades if you should try to reach out and dare to survive...
Martyrdom is a glorified occupation in todays world... its not a career option for me..
I choose to live.. with approvals or without.. with someone or without...
My utopia exists in my head... in my heart... in my soul & spirit.. and within God...
Reality will not infringe upon the murky recesses of my hallucinary realm...
I will never come out of my comatose existence..
Im not brave enough to look life in the face and stand my ground... so i choose to turn away from it altogether and refuse to justify my being..
i wont.. because i dont have to... because i answer to no one.. no one but me..
resigned to fate.. yet not able to see a thing in the foggy realms of the future.. i numb myself to the consequences of taking the world head on.. wait silently for it to trample over me in its attempt to curb the disease i bring to its veins ... "freedom... of thought... expression...".. the power to dream.. to dare to aspire to an individualistic existence.. to admit inherent human selfishness not as an excuse but as a reality... to accept my flaws... to proclaim my life as my own... to relinquish any responsibility for anyones happiness but my own..
For so long i keep going round circle.. i keep hurting for things i do not control.. i cry tears of blood as helplessnes crawls over me like an abhorrant insect... frustrated with the reality that i seek to avoid.. knowing its waiting round every corner...
i'm not a bad person per se. if u do not have expectations, you will not be disappointed. the law of the jungle applies to all animals.. our fears lead us to conformity... fearlessness makes us renegades... there seems to be no middle ground.. atleast not one i have found thus far...
i'm going to go crawl back under my rock now... i think im allergic to living...
Princess of the GemWorld
*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld
Copyright © Fars - FS 2004
Monday, June 28, 2004
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Hoobastank & Evanescence
crying today.. big fat salty tear drops ... for days gone by.. for memories lost.. for the whole unbearable question of why life moves on... what it all means..
like the burning question when i watch a soap opera i've been watching for many long years and remember what their lives were years ago and how strongly theyd felt about things and what tragedies had befallen them.. and now they were still there unaffected and alive.. going through more stuff...
befuddled the mind..
and then i sat and thought.. about my life.. my 26 years.. the uneventful past.. the inconsequential tragedies.. the floodgates opened.. the waves of emotions washed over me ... and i was swept away by the sheer joy and the immense sorrow that suddenly pervaded my soul.. so much gained.. so much lost.. so much happiness.. so much pain.. we dont remember the bad stuff.. i started forgetting everything after '97... but even now if i look back over the past 7 years which in my mind i had classified as my most forgettable.. turns out they were also my most memorable..
we arent used to being swept away by extreme emotions when we're young.. whether joyous or saddening... most people start earlier.. i guess 19 is as early as one can get.. it was a new world.. one i didnt particularly like.. transitioning from my One Girl Show to a stage filled with seasoned actors was a nightmare.. the scripts were prewritten.. the players rehearsed and i was plunked smack dab in the middle of the extravaganza when i'd wanted to be a stage hand...
and there was an overwhelming sense of being lost in the maddening crowd.. comepletely.. no sense of direction.. and thats where the flow of life came to the rescue.. that was the moment the "I dont give a shit" philosophy evolved and matured and became the full blown credo for life that it is.. thats when the ten year plan got chucked out the window and got replaced with the 5-day forecast.. that was when a nice well constructed brick wall was constructed around a soft heart and cemented well.. thats when low-risk became the operative word.. and "new" was a substitute for "suspicious"...
through it all when i look back.. i still took risks... i still grabbed new every chance i got.. but the wall stayed up.. and now i have to go...
The Reason - Hoobastank
I'm Not A Perfect Person.
There Are Many Things I Wish I Didnt Do
But I Continue Learning.
I Never Meant To Do Those Things To You.
And So I Have To Say Before I Go,
That I Just Want You To Know
I've Found A Reason For Me,
To Change Who I Used To Be
A Reason To Start Over New,
And The Reason Is You
I'm Sorry That I Hurt You,
Its Something I Must Live With Everyday
And All The Pain I Put You Through,
I Wish That I Could Take It All Away
And Be The One Who Catches All Your Tears,
Thats Why I Need You To Hear
I Found a reason for me
To Change Who I Used To Be
A Reason To Start Over New
And The Reason Is You
And The Reason Is You
And The Reason Is You
And The Reason Is You
I'm Not A Perfect Person,
I Never Meant To Do Those Things To You
And So I Have To Say Before I Go
That I Just Want You To Know
I've Found A Reason For Me,
To Change Who I Used To Be
A Reason To Start Over New,
And The Reason Is You
I've Found A Reason To Show
A Side Of Me You Didnt Know
A Reason For All That I Do,
And The Reason Is You
My Immortal - Evanescence
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
Princess of the GemWorld
*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld
Copyright © Fars - FS 2004
like the burning question when i watch a soap opera i've been watching for many long years and remember what their lives were years ago and how strongly theyd felt about things and what tragedies had befallen them.. and now they were still there unaffected and alive.. going through more stuff...
befuddled the mind..
and then i sat and thought.. about my life.. my 26 years.. the uneventful past.. the inconsequential tragedies.. the floodgates opened.. the waves of emotions washed over me ... and i was swept away by the sheer joy and the immense sorrow that suddenly pervaded my soul.. so much gained.. so much lost.. so much happiness.. so much pain.. we dont remember the bad stuff.. i started forgetting everything after '97... but even now if i look back over the past 7 years which in my mind i had classified as my most forgettable.. turns out they were also my most memorable..
we arent used to being swept away by extreme emotions when we're young.. whether joyous or saddening... most people start earlier.. i guess 19 is as early as one can get.. it was a new world.. one i didnt particularly like.. transitioning from my One Girl Show to a stage filled with seasoned actors was a nightmare.. the scripts were prewritten.. the players rehearsed and i was plunked smack dab in the middle of the extravaganza when i'd wanted to be a stage hand...
and there was an overwhelming sense of being lost in the maddening crowd.. comepletely.. no sense of direction.. and thats where the flow of life came to the rescue.. that was the moment the "I dont give a shit" philosophy evolved and matured and became the full blown credo for life that it is.. thats when the ten year plan got chucked out the window and got replaced with the 5-day forecast.. that was when a nice well constructed brick wall was constructed around a soft heart and cemented well.. thats when low-risk became the operative word.. and "new" was a substitute for "suspicious"...
through it all when i look back.. i still took risks... i still grabbed new every chance i got.. but the wall stayed up.. and now i have to go...
The Reason - Hoobastank
I'm Not A Perfect Person.
There Are Many Things I Wish I Didnt Do
But I Continue Learning.
I Never Meant To Do Those Things To You.
And So I Have To Say Before I Go,
That I Just Want You To Know
I've Found A Reason For Me,
To Change Who I Used To Be
A Reason To Start Over New,
And The Reason Is You
I'm Sorry That I Hurt You,
Its Something I Must Live With Everyday
And All The Pain I Put You Through,
I Wish That I Could Take It All Away
And Be The One Who Catches All Your Tears,
Thats Why I Need You To Hear
I Found a reason for me
To Change Who I Used To Be
A Reason To Start Over New
And The Reason Is You
And The Reason Is You
And The Reason Is You
And The Reason Is You
I'm Not A Perfect Person,
I Never Meant To Do Those Things To You
And So I Have To Say Before I Go
That I Just Want You To Know
I've Found A Reason For Me,
To Change Who I Used To Be
A Reason To Start Over New,
And The Reason Is You
I've Found A Reason To Show
A Side Of Me You Didnt Know
A Reason For All That I Do,
And The Reason Is You
My Immortal - Evanescence
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
Princess of the GemWorld
*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld
Copyright © Fars - FS 2004
Monday, June 21, 2004
Hades, Homer & the Iliad...
Im not feeling well... *sniffling with a whiny undertone.... uhuhuh.. *whine whine whine..
i want my mommy... my mommy loves me... uhuhuhuhuh *super whiny
i havnt seen Troy yet but Brad Pitt looks HOT!!
I read the Odyssey when i was 10.. it was one of the most amazing abridged versions of a book i've ever been through.. Ulysses and his crew literally go to hell and back fighting for a cause that didnt even make sense.. except that loyalties were sworn and promises had to be delivered on.. In the Odyssey, Helen and Troy are a distant memory... the post Troy travels of Ulysses and his crew towards a single minded objective - Get Home - are more fascinating then the whole Achilles Heel Phenonmenon.. and a bit reminiscent sometimes of me now..
i was never a big fan of watching Brad bite the dust anyhow.. so it goes without saying i wasnt very high on the whole Troy storyline anyhow..
But the Odyssey rocks.. to date.. My obsession with Greek Mytholygy started around the same time.. i read every single book on my cousins summer reading list that had remotely anything to do with those tempestuous Greeks.. Athena, Artemis, Aphrodite, Demeter.. yeah so i'm partial to the women. I left Hera out of that coz i didnt like her much....
The whole Persephone disaster made me look at pomengrates in a whole new light..
At the moment.. im not weeeeellll... boo hooo.. *bleary eyes watering.. sniff sniff snnnnniiiiiffffff...
OD'ing on Joshanda and wunning outta tisshue boxshes..
its a very sad state...
Have some Karachites over :) I was waiting for the Lahore Bashing to begin.. :) hehe.. but we were tremendously contained.. went to Cuckoos for dinner one night... The Badshahi mosque looks beeyooteeful.. at night with all the lighting.. will upload a picture so y'all can appreciate the glory of nightfall :)..
Lahore is a very nice city... yes yes i a turncoat lota person yes.. :) i like Lahore.. It rains here you know ;)... heheh. Karachites.. eat your hearts out..
My cloudy days are in abundance and i found out that the Garrison Golf Club restaurant makes Aaloo pakoras customized to your taste... so i now have a place.. relatively nice and clean where they charge you 25 bucks for turning on the split :) and they make good tea and very nice aaloo pakoras.. life set hai... bas ab mausam zara set ho jaey..
so thats my current dot on the map 'vous êtes ici' ... :) me and mum went to the Louvre in Paris in 2000.. i'd taken 1st level french.. so all the while ami kept asking me to translate stuff :) which who are we kidding i didnt really do too well... the one thing i did however, manage to translate, without any issues whatsoever was the above...
Thats what they write on the little dot on the museum map signifying where you're located at that precise location.. 'You are Here'... i remember that because 'ici' meant 'here'.. lol... so much for french... i can still however order coffee in french.. and that shall save me at the end of the day... :)
Take care guyz
miss you all..( thats just my sniffles talking)
Princess of the GemWorld
*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld
Copyright © Fars - FS 2004
i want my mommy... my mommy loves me... uhuhuhuhuh *super whiny
i havnt seen Troy yet but Brad Pitt looks HOT!!
I read the Odyssey when i was 10.. it was one of the most amazing abridged versions of a book i've ever been through.. Ulysses and his crew literally go to hell and back fighting for a cause that didnt even make sense.. except that loyalties were sworn and promises had to be delivered on.. In the Odyssey, Helen and Troy are a distant memory... the post Troy travels of Ulysses and his crew towards a single minded objective - Get Home - are more fascinating then the whole Achilles Heel Phenonmenon.. and a bit reminiscent sometimes of me now..
i was never a big fan of watching Brad bite the dust anyhow.. so it goes without saying i wasnt very high on the whole Troy storyline anyhow..
But the Odyssey rocks.. to date.. My obsession with Greek Mytholygy started around the same time.. i read every single book on my cousins summer reading list that had remotely anything to do with those tempestuous Greeks.. Athena, Artemis, Aphrodite, Demeter.. yeah so i'm partial to the women. I left Hera out of that coz i didnt like her much....
The whole Persephone disaster made me look at pomengrates in a whole new light..
At the moment.. im not weeeeellll... boo hooo.. *bleary eyes watering.. sniff sniff snnnnniiiiiffffff...
OD'ing on Joshanda and wunning outta tisshue boxshes..
its a very sad state...
Have some Karachites over :) I was waiting for the Lahore Bashing to begin.. :) hehe.. but we were tremendously contained.. went to Cuckoos for dinner one night... The Badshahi mosque looks beeyooteeful.. at night with all the lighting.. will upload a picture so y'all can appreciate the glory of nightfall :)..
Lahore is a very nice city... yes yes i a turncoat lota person yes.. :) i like Lahore.. It rains here you know ;)... heheh. Karachites.. eat your hearts out..
My cloudy days are in abundance and i found out that the Garrison Golf Club restaurant makes Aaloo pakoras customized to your taste... so i now have a place.. relatively nice and clean where they charge you 25 bucks for turning on the split :) and they make good tea and very nice aaloo pakoras.. life set hai... bas ab mausam zara set ho jaey..
so thats my current dot on the map 'vous êtes ici' ... :) me and mum went to the Louvre in Paris in 2000.. i'd taken 1st level french.. so all the while ami kept asking me to translate stuff :) which who are we kidding i didnt really do too well... the one thing i did however, manage to translate, without any issues whatsoever was the above...
Thats what they write on the little dot on the museum map signifying where you're located at that precise location.. 'You are Here'... i remember that because 'ici' meant 'here'.. lol... so much for french... i can still however order coffee in french.. and that shall save me at the end of the day... :)
Take care guyz
miss you all..( thats just my sniffles talking)
Princess of the GemWorld
*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld
Copyright © Fars - FS 2004
Thursday, June 17, 2004
la dee da dee da
Once upon a time in texas... or lahore..
Anywhere really.. i dont really care.. i dont even care if ure bored outta your skulls reading this blog. I really dont. im beyond caring.. staring bleary eyed at the screen for hours on end can do this to a person.. i wasnt normal to begin with. This doesnt help.. sighhh.. imagine if i was a software engineer.. then i'd really be in trouble..
i used to have so much irrelevant information stuck in my head.. slowly its all dribbled away.. most of it was Archie Comics Residue.. I learn my first few words of french from Archie, i learned th mechanics of dogfighting during the 3rd reich, who Mata Hari was (it was actually Veronica), the word "business", which i didnt know how to pronounce at 10 years of age (sad! i know).. so i used to pronounce the 's' as is.. instead of as a 'z'.. sigh.. those were the days..
my favorite comic, of which i have read only one installment til date was "Amethyst"... :) i wont elaborate.. its also DC... and it had the most amazing artwork and i fell in love with the story line after i found a tattered old copy at Tit Bit Book Stall in saddar... i lost so much when i lost that bloody carton of books when we shifted.. still... i wont cry.. as of this moment i have run out of space in both my liberaries and somehow lost my urge to read.. which is very highly saddening..
im not watching TV.. my other great passion.. i AM eating, VERY well i might add.. my other great passion.. doesnt help much but hey.. life is limited.. let lose and enjoy.. so thats the current scenario..
the weathers hot... as Hades.. My fear of hell is lessened degree by degree as the heat increases on a daily basis.. if anyone can survive this, you have atleast a snowballs chance in hell of surviving... highly oxymoronic..
please dont hate me.. my minds mush right now.. im only writing becuase i love the way the laptops keyboard feels under my fingers...
i looove you all soooo much.. (thats the mush talking)...
tudelu dearies
Princess of the GemWorld
*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld
Copyright © Fars - FS 2004
Anywhere really.. i dont really care.. i dont even care if ure bored outta your skulls reading this blog. I really dont. im beyond caring.. staring bleary eyed at the screen for hours on end can do this to a person.. i wasnt normal to begin with. This doesnt help.. sighhh.. imagine if i was a software engineer.. then i'd really be in trouble..
i used to have so much irrelevant information stuck in my head.. slowly its all dribbled away.. most of it was Archie Comics Residue.. I learn my first few words of french from Archie, i learned th mechanics of dogfighting during the 3rd reich, who Mata Hari was (it was actually Veronica), the word "business", which i didnt know how to pronounce at 10 years of age (sad! i know).. so i used to pronounce the 's' as is.. instead of as a 'z'.. sigh.. those were the days..
my favorite comic, of which i have read only one installment til date was "Amethyst"... :) i wont elaborate.. its also DC... and it had the most amazing artwork and i fell in love with the story line after i found a tattered old copy at Tit Bit Book Stall in saddar... i lost so much when i lost that bloody carton of books when we shifted.. still... i wont cry.. as of this moment i have run out of space in both my liberaries and somehow lost my urge to read.. which is very highly saddening..
im not watching TV.. my other great passion.. i AM eating, VERY well i might add.. my other great passion.. doesnt help much but hey.. life is limited.. let lose and enjoy.. so thats the current scenario..
the weathers hot... as Hades.. My fear of hell is lessened degree by degree as the heat increases on a daily basis.. if anyone can survive this, you have atleast a snowballs chance in hell of surviving... highly oxymoronic..
please dont hate me.. my minds mush right now.. im only writing becuase i love the way the laptops keyboard feels under my fingers...
i looove you all soooo much.. (thats the mush talking)...
tudelu dearies
Princess of the GemWorld
*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld
Copyright © Fars - FS 2004
Thursday, June 10, 2004
the world could be square
it would be interesting. then we could fall off one end.
i have nice pictures.. i will share them in a couple of days.. after i have had time to edit them in my home computers photodraw which is wayy nicer than my laptops photodraw version.. WHY?! its beyond me..
anyway.. love you guyz.. take care all..
see you later..
cheerios
Princess of the GemWorld
*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld
Copyright © Fars - FS 2004
i have nice pictures.. i will share them in a couple of days.. after i have had time to edit them in my home computers photodraw which is wayy nicer than my laptops photodraw version.. WHY?! its beyond me..
anyway.. love you guyz.. take care all..
see you later..
cheerios
Princess of the GemWorld
*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld
Copyright © Fars - FS 2004
Thursday, June 03, 2004
im travelling dammit
listen you overdemanding blog followers... its not easy trying to blog from a hotel room in NY.. just the time lag is enough to kill you, not to mention the 9 hour straight business hours..
ive been sleeping at 7pm in the evening and waking up at 4am and staring at the ceiling for some odd reason.. television here is nothing compared to good ol' cable in pakiland.. but i woke up at 5am and went for a walk in central park today which was very nice that early in the morning...
ducks on the lake.. heerens flyings about... met Yeang, a med student from boston(harvard) whos originally from malaysia.. had the most amazing canon digital camera ever. the zoom lens was like a foot and a half long.. and the storage was 4GB... 4GB UMY!!.. can you imagine.. he was busy taking pictures of birds in flight.. me and my itty bitty sony cybershot felt very small in comparison..
so we talked a bit about our cultures and cities and companies.. the weather in general.. the best pictures we've ever taken.. his websites www.pbase.com/ychng.. then i went in to the Plaza, had my breakfast, got upstairs and found you guyz reciting eulogies.. like cut it out!
NY is quite pretty in the morning.. the sky's overcast.. and if you're hanging around the plaza all day, you seriously feel like you're in England.. old english grandeur coupled with old english weather..
gotta run now.. I'll be back!
Princess of the GemWorld~
*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld
Copyright © Fars - FS 2004
ive been sleeping at 7pm in the evening and waking up at 4am and staring at the ceiling for some odd reason.. television here is nothing compared to good ol' cable in pakiland.. but i woke up at 5am and went for a walk in central park today which was very nice that early in the morning...
ducks on the lake.. heerens flyings about... met Yeang, a med student from boston(harvard) whos originally from malaysia.. had the most amazing canon digital camera ever. the zoom lens was like a foot and a half long.. and the storage was 4GB... 4GB UMY!!.. can you imagine.. he was busy taking pictures of birds in flight.. me and my itty bitty sony cybershot felt very small in comparison..
so we talked a bit about our cultures and cities and companies.. the weather in general.. the best pictures we've ever taken.. his websites www.pbase.com/ychng.. then i went in to the Plaza, had my breakfast, got upstairs and found you guyz reciting eulogies.. like cut it out!
NY is quite pretty in the morning.. the sky's overcast.. and if you're hanging around the plaza all day, you seriously feel like you're in England.. old english grandeur coupled with old english weather..
gotta run now.. I'll be back!
Princess of the GemWorld~
*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld
Copyright © Fars - FS 2004
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