Saturday, September 25, 2004

The Alchemist

I CANT BELIEVE I HADNT READ THIS BOOK AS YET!

I cant believe Paulo Coelho thought of life as i do. :) yes. you may bang your head on the proverbial brick wall, but its true dammit.

Its as the Caravan Guide in the desert says to the Boy, "I dont live in the past or the future. I live in the present. Thats why i'm always happy. This moment is life."

In an online review the following was stated:
"As the alchemist himself says, when he appears to Santiago in the form of an old king "when you really want something to happen, the whole universe conspires so that your wish comes true". This is the core of the novel's philosophy and a motif that echoes behind Coelho's writing all through "The Alchemist". And isn't it true that the whole of humankind desperately wants to believe the old king when he says that the greatest lie in the world is that at some point we lose the ability to control our lives, and become the pawns of fate. Perhaps this is the secret of Coelho's success: that he tells people what they want to hear, or rather that he tells them that what they wish for but never thought possible could even be probable. "

Frankly the pawns of fate bit i'm ok with. I dont believe we have any control whatsoever on our destinies and fate. "maktub" : It is written. Whatever will be, will be. But this moment in time... this moment is life. Thats what i carried away with me. Thats what i held within me even before.

In any situation, human beings always look for reaffirmation of their own beliefs. I'm no different :)... the difference lies in the outcome.
Reaffirmation of my belief leads me to higher levels of happiness in my moment.

Where do your beliefs lead you?

Princess of the GemWorld


*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright ?© Fars - FS 2004

Monday, September 20, 2004

Birthday Blues

And so it came....

And so it went...

September 15th 2004. Exactly 27 years completed on the planet. Exactly 6 months completed in my current job. Same period spent in Lahore. My first Birthday away from Home.

I had a major problem remembering my age when i turned 19. I kept thinking i was 18 for a good number of years. At 21 I reconciled to the fact that i was indeed out of my teens. Then i started forgetting again. In fact i dont even remember being 23 24 25 .... i remember being 22 coz thats when we all graduated. I remember being 26 coz..
A. Its an even number
B. I changed jobs
C. I changed cities
D. life changed...
E. I became ineligible for the Eurail Youth Flexipass discount or the Youth Hostels across Europe. There goes my plan for a cheap European vacation.

And now i just KNOW im going to have trouble remembering im 27. Which is actually 10 times worse than forgetting 23 24 & 25, because now ppl will just assume im trying to hide my (sigh!) advanced age... well... i'm not. Im resigned to fate :)

Times like these remind me of the movies... "Life moves pretty fast... If you dont stop to take a look around... You could miss it!" Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

i got flowers, cake, cards, a butterfly necklace, a shawl, couple of suits, a copy of The Alchemist, a reaaally nice perfume, a pair of trackpants :) lol, and some money, a limited amount of birthday SMSs, and periodic phone calls in commemoration of the day.

My office ppl pretended not to notice i was aging.. :) Since i usually rounded up the cavalry for the birthday brigade every month, they went as far as to tell me "just coz its your birthday doesnt mean you dont have to arrange everything."
But then they did :) and i got a card and cakes and lots of happy birthday greetings :)

I cant remember what i missed the most about not being in Khi. Whether it was the 12 o' clock midnite routine that im sure we would have passed over on this time, or the friends coming over to hangout for a little while, or the family dropping by en masse... i cant put my finger on it. Maybe it was the fact that i spend the whole day till 10PM in the evening in office working on a presentation. I dunno..

I just know something was missing... it brought a small lump to my throat when i thought about it.. and somehow the journey down memory lane seemed all the more morose and bluesy..

I think its the impending winters. For the first time in a long time I'm going to be in a place where i'll actually feel their impact. Winters are a funny time for me. I've always had my greatest upheavals in the winter solstice. It's no wonder the story of the "Snow Queen" (now a beautifully shot Birdget Fonda Classic) always spoke to me since the very first time i read it in the big fairytales book. It had pictures too. A little boy and girl with windows that met and they had roses growing right outside on the window sill..

I have a funny love hate relationship with the winter months. I LOVE the chill in the air, the pepperminty freshness when you're in Pindi, Isloo or Lahore.. Even in karachi theres that one week when you can wear your sweater and not break a sweat :)

At the same time, theres always been a wierd buzzing feeling in the pit of my stomach when winters roll around. Like somethings about to happen... and i'm never sure what it will be...

Its been the funniest of times.. never the best or the worst... just the funniest... in a funny sort of way... I guess i just dont like feeling cold. And in Karachi, feeling cold is a rarity :) so maybe thats it..

Im tired.. i go sleep..

Cheerios

Princess of the GemWorld

*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright ?© Fars - FS 2004

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

:) happy happy glorious world

i'm elated...

i'm tired.. but elated.

For some odd reason...

and i cant be bothered to identify it :)

it was a nice day.. bloody hot but nice.. it was my map making colleagues birthday today.. so we got the cakes & the card :) it was nice. I love celebrating birthdays. Its such a joyous occassion.

You make fun of the advanced age. You make fun of other peoples advanced age. You laugh. You eat cake.

All round good time to be had by everyone..

me be off..

nice day today :)

take care
cheerios

Princess of the GemWorld


*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright ?© Fars - FS 2004

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Life as i see it

Its amazing... everything falls into place. Sooner or later, no matter how convoluted life seems, it all falls into place.

I look at my reems of paper, filled with to do lists. I keep scribbling tasks over and over again just so i dont forget them.. Over and over again. The same tasks.. sometimes i feel like i get nothing done and sometimes i feel like i've conquered the world.

I'm eating too many chips nowadays. It doesnt bode well for me.. horizontally speaking. Explored the option of signing up for some physical activity. Its sad that i need to pay for the privilege of expending personal energy. Hoarding is a bad habit. I have a feeling its genetic.. something related to the female species.. not too sure though..

I was missing me a few days back... i have a nagging feeling i've lost me somewhere along the way.. theres too much happening all around me.. a flurry of activity that makes me disconnect from my environs because it just becomes too over whelmingly squiggly in my head.

Its like life has come round circle. I was born on a Thursday. According to the poem, Thursday's child has far to go. The illustration showed a kid with a little bundle tied to the end of a stick walking towards horizons unexplored. Thats me.

I've come pretty far, but the baggage remains. The umbilical cord refuses to be severed. The intense love and fury battle their way inside my heart, causing a confusion so extreme my mind shuts down completely. The puppet master strings refuse to be cut. Yet I fight every day within my self to convince myself that i am indeed free... to make my choices... to live my life. But so help me God, sometimes i just feel like i can't breathe. Its a constant battle reminding yourself that autonomy lies within you, not without. Its a constant battle to remind oneself that no matter what the elders think, you control your destiny as per God's design. And that's the bottom line.

In order to live that conviction, you have to let go. You have to disconnect. You have to learn to shut down. Its scary. But its a pre-requisite for living... YOUR life. Its not your life if every tom, dick n harry think they have a say in it. They dont.

Im pissed. Its amazing. All it took was a second. One second. One statement.. and then blinding fury for a flash before blood simmers down to a more containable level. Maybe its me.. maybe its my problem. Maybe I'm the complete antithesis of everything i was supposed to be..

But i'm happy.... within myself. I am content... deep inside. My life doesnt lack in any respect at present. And the present is all i have. Its all i want. I dont have any far reaching aspirations with regards to life... only the next 5 days... (it used to be 5 minutes)... 5 days is doable.. its rational.. its easy.

I like easy.. i have alot to thank Allah mian for... he never ceases to amaze me. In every aspect of my existence, he's ensured that i have bare minimum to complain about and everything to be thankful for... Thats not a small thing..

In retrospect to my life, i think every moment has been internally satisfying. I'm glad i'm not in Karachi anymore. Somehow the connotations associated with that fast paced city are a turn off now.. There's too much traffic, talk, socializing, gossip... baggage.

There's too much disappointment, trial and a sinking feeling of impending doom that tends to wash over me when i think about it.. There's a staleness wafting over the city.. Initially when i used to go back, i was yearning to breathe in the smoke infested air.. The lack of rain, the parched earth, the blazing sun.. were all welcome sights... and then slowly the spirit of Punjab seeped into my consciousness..

I started looking forward to fresh greens, trees lining the streets, freak storms in mid afternoon, globs of ice falling from the sky in the middle of summer.. i started appreciating the 3.5Hrs drive to Islamabad... the rich heritage... the brilliant sunsets.. i slowly started falling in love with the city that is finished in 30 minutes to either end..

There are multiple ways of getting to same place... atleast 6 different routes from point A to point B.. My colleagues highly proficient map-making skills ensured that i could get around relatively easily and get lost 5 times on any given day..

Theres laughter.. mostly mine.. in my workplace.. i love laughing.. i look for opportunities to do it.. if i dont find any, i create them. The people here are good. They're nice.. i like them. Being around them is like being surrounded by soft sunlight.. filtered through the cool leaves of a pretty green tree. The work moves fast, but the hearts are soft... you feel safe somehow.. protected. I like that too.

All in all, i guess im happy no matter where i am. I dont really think about it. I just let it wash over me. Life is good.

Its for the living.. In my world, everything is sublime. But its pretty.. in my mind i see flowers & spring.. and sleepy sunlight amidst shadowy glens.. hues of pink n purple and yellow daisies and blue forget-me-nots.. pretty ribbons streaming in the soft breeze and golden straw hats..

Thats where i live. The concept of worldly obligations or whats "Done" or "correct" is not a consideration... i believe in the inherent selfishness of mankind. I believe unless one is happy within oneself one can never try to spread happiness. Happiness comes from within. Its internally promulgated.. and I cant take the risk of making it dependent on external factors.

I hate the thought of not being happy.. i hate the thought of hurting... and while its limited in human terms to protect yourself to this extent, i think its the prudent thing to do. Its not fair to burden other people with the immense responsibility of ensuring your happiness. Its not a burden they will be able to carry. So why set yourself up for disappointment.

Its not that im overly independent.. although i am :) its just i believe in minimizing risk.. major reason why i dont play the stock market.

Alot of people keep asking me what im planning for my life.. They seem to think just because i moved to Lahore, i have a plan. NEWS FLASH: I NEVER HAVE A PLAN.
Life happens. I let it happen. I read a quote somewhere. Winners Do, Losers Plan.

lol:) i guess that would make me a bloody victor in every sense.. yeah yeah... laugh. I'll laugh with you :) i always looking for excuses...

Suddenly remembered when i was 5.. we were in Sialkot.. my dad had a motorbike.. and we used to go for ice cream nearly every other night .. My dad used to buy me Chocolate, Vanilla & Chocolate & Vanilla mixed.. all 3 cones.. nearly every other night... and just to pre-empt the obvious.. no i wasnt fat back then.. :)

It was a sweet memory.. I cling to those.. the sweet ones.. its a battle forgetting the bitter ones so they dont overshadow the sweet ones.. and i manage that battle well. I forget nearly everything thanks to the effort i put into forgetting :)

i go now.. theres still a funny feeling buried deep within my chest... i cant seem to put a finger on it.. its a funny, buzzing sensation... like somethings amiss... or waiting to burst forth..

Lets see what life has around the corner.. Allah mian hasnt disappointed me yet.. Inshallah, my unplanned life shall always be a happy one.. why?... because thats the choice i've made :)

love you guyz
cheerios

Princess of the GemWorld


*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright ?© Fars - FS 2004