Realm of the Soul: Say Goodbye

Say good-bye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that…

(Madonna.. I'll remember)

Its ironic. The way the powers that be seem to give in abundance in the normal everyday run-of-the-mill aspects of life, but when you place undue importance on something, they seem to back away from their generosity and deprive you. It's as if, they're balancing the scale so to speak.

Logically explained, it makes plausible sense. He gives a lot where we take it for granted and holds back where you want it to most. That's when you realize all that he has done for you, because you cant even rant and rave and scream accusations to the tune of .. you never give me anything I want. Simply because he does, and he has and no matter how you look at it, you've been blessed a thousand times over. It's the thousand and one time that doesn't materialize and then pricks you like a thorn in your side as you try to desperately unravel the mysteries of our Lord Almighty's irrefutable logic. It's a fruitless exercise, since human understanding stands impotent in the face of the Almighty's vision of the world. And so with a sad resignation we look around ourselves and wonder… what next.

It's a saddening stage. It's a little scary too, because when you find yourself not able to control the surreal wheels of your destiny, you seek to demonstrate control in the physical environs of reality you find yourself in. Sometimes being backed in a corner can be the best thing that happens to a person. It forces you to look hard and long at every single thought, plan, relationship, belonging, aspect of your life and try to identify the root cause of your new cornered existence. Along the way you learn a lot. You learn what you're willing to give up in order to start living life on your terms again. You learn how hard you can be inside. You learn to what extent you're willing to inflict pain on those you love the most, just as long as you can exercise some control over your so-called life.

These dissertations don't come easy. They take a lot away from the person that you were. They force you to look hard and long at what holds you back and what you can live without. And at the end of the day, you stand bare and exposed like a tree in fall having lost all the external foliage that seemed to protect you from the real world, and at the same time bind you to it. As the leaves fall away, the true person emerges. There's no guarantee whether you'll like what you'll see. There are no guarantees to anything in life

Its ironic that guarantees are the one thing that we look for when making so many of our major decisions. Minimization of risk. Starting from finances, to selecting schools, to selecting life partners. We compromise on so many things, for that one little insignificant guarantee… that this has low risk. There's no such thing.

If there was, we would have all been born with little warranty tags attached to our big toes. Valid for 20 years ..or less.. God never gave us guarantees. He merely gave us life and told us to live.

He told us to live right, and live true and to live in harmony. I can live according to his will. I can't seem to abide by the will of his creations. You can only follow one path in your life. If you try to tread on too many, you will be torn and find the pieces of your being scattered unceremoniously across the pathways of life.

Torn between the world that judges itself to be the master of fate and between the realization that you yourself cant even define your tomorrow.. the only thing that gives you strength is the knowledge that tomorrow… you could be dead. Life stinks and then you die…. But … there's no guarantee on that either J

I've come to the conclusion that its futile making plans and having dreams. Its futile and painful when you have to face the harsh face of reality and have it stick out its tongue in your face and say nyah nyah nyah… makes you want to reach out and … I wont go there.

And its impossible to live your life for the happiness of others. "Others" will never be happy. There'll always be something to make others miserable.. and any noble sacrifices you make in order to bring some happiness to every body else but yourself will only result in misery because only you will live in your reality… no one else. At the end of the day we live alone and we die alone.

The Almighty blesses us by sending us some angels you help us clear our heads and think. Who help us bring some illusionary perspective to the chaos resounding in our skulls… They pass through our lives like a soft spring zephyr and leave behind fragments of beauty that we cling to till they fade away with memories. They help us survive the deepest recesses of disappointment that we descend to and they magnify our happy moments ten fold… I love my angels. Forever and always.

Its hard being hard. Its hard knowing you can be. Its hard hurting people you know love you. Its hard saying "I don't give a shit". Its hard not crying when you feel like there's a dam waiting to burst forth. Its hard saying, "It's my life" and actually seeing it through. Its hard saying goodbye.

Bottom line, no one ever said life was easy. More often than not people live their lives for everyone but themselves. That's very noble. It also turns them into vicious beings that resent every one who seems to have a zest for living. Giving up for others is Sacrifice. Giving up on your self… that's called death.

You cant live a life if you're dead inside. I still have a lot to think about. I still have a lot of dreams to let go off. I still have a lot of sacrifices I don't want to make.

At the end of the day, the Almighty will guide me, but when it comes to the point where he asks me to make a blind choice on the forked road.. I may refuse to make a choice at all and just wait there, till he gives up and shows me the way. No one can force you to follow a path unless you choose to do so. Because you'll have to walk that path on your own two legs. I don't know if the Almighty gives up though so it may be a long wait..

But I'll have my angels with me.. J

You have powers you never dreamed of. You can do things you never thought you could do. There are no limitations in what you can do except the limitations of your own mind.

Darwin P Kingsley

Fariha

Sunday dec 20^th 2003

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