Thursday, October 28, 2004

Joy....

Lying in bed with barely enuff light to even see the lines on my Philips CE notebook. I recall the story of the Japanese boy who had to learn how to write with his eyes closed so he could master Japanese script.

I can hear the traffic on the Mall. The honks of the horns, the sounds of the mosques resonating in the air. I suddenly remember my morning in Istanbul, waking up at Fajr surrounded by the simultaneous calls from all the mosques. It filled me with wonder. The strength of the call. its 8:10 pm. i'm in a blanket. Lost somewhere between the realms of lonely reality and confusing fantasy. I wonder sometimes how Allah can stand me & my imperfections. I am a constant trial to this world. To everyone who's ever dared or been forced to love me.

Train Siren. The crossing must be closed right now. I have.. or seem to have isolated myself... from life... from society... from normalcy. I keep feeling i'm moving further & further away from the reality of the world. I used to say that we define our own reality. What we believe IS our truth. I've not been wrong. Atleast not from my perspective. But everyday I inflict pain on those who loved me. It's a losing battle. My inability to ask for forgiveness and their inability to forgive.

My eyes are growing accustomed to the darkness. I can see the writing now. Also this page is white. The last one was light blue. Makes a difference.

Somehow i don't feel alone. Don't feel the overwhelming need right now to reach out & talk or make contact with another human being. I Used to crave human contact. It used to fill me with joy, a rush of endorphins.

I loved talking & laughing, even if it was at my self. Somehow today I feel devoid of that joy.

Felt like reaching out and touching my past. My stays by the sea, the hot parathas & spicy unda tamater at the Korangi Creek Dhabba with doodh patti. The most disconnected memories are flooding the recesses of my mind. . Flashbacks.. icecream cones in sialkot. Salty boiled meat between the peaks & valleys of Quetta, Chapli kababs in Peshawar. My parents helped me experience the world fully.

I'm human. I experience the world based primarily on taste, then smell, then sight, sound & touch. Hence food is my primary memory receptor.

The air grows cooler here. It's nice to breathe... will soon be minty ...

Don't feel sorry for me.. I don't. Theres nothing to feel sorry about. C'est la vie... This is life... It's there to be lived.. for the living.. this moment is life..

i keep repeating these lines over & over again.. its a reminder for me.. There are some things in life which are better left untold and undiscovered. Take Palmistry for example.. it can unfold many secrets ... and it can cause many heartaches ... because some things happen solely because we believe that they will happen..

I have a simple formula for dealing with hardships.. I look upon them as ordained by Allah and either take it as a test or as a sign of some thing better for us in the long run.. I guess thats the optimists approach.. but really ... we can be as miserable as we want to be.. regardless of how good our lives are.. and conversely we can be as joyous as we want to be ... regardless of how painful reality may be... i guess its a matter of discovering you own inner strength and the strength of your faith..

Bad things can happen to good people.. and it makes you ask why.. you'll never know.. Only Allah will know.. and somehow i dont think he feels a pressing need to answer all our why's.. he's biding his time for the day when he gets to ask that question and see how we respond..

i scare my self of that so i lose my fear of the world. I realized early this morning that i hadnt grown up with any fear within me.. somehow that served to make me seem overly confident and independent in the eyes of the people i love.. but its a gift that i got from them .. and its a beautiful gift. To live life without fear... its the most amazing feeling.. and it came primarily from two things.. the love & security i felt when i was growing up... and the ever strengthening faith in the Almighty.. that he is our strength and our protector.

I still get a bit nervous if im driving around and its late and i rush to reach the safe confines of my home.. i get teary eyed of the fear of a loved one passing away.. i cry inside sometimes thinking of the things we lose along the way... but at the end of the day i feel love which protects me and tells me everything will be ok.. and it comes from Allah and my parents and my best friends and everyone i've met who's so far never hurt me in any way..

Theres alot of good still left in the world. Alot of good and love.. We need to leave ourselves open for it.. protect ourselves from the bad and leave a little opening for the love to sneak in..

And then just live.. as nicely as we can...

all of you who come here... theres a bit of love in my heart for each one of you..

love

Princess of the GemWorld



*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright © Fars - FS 2004

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

the perils of blogging

The day had to come :)

i knew deep down inside... infact not even so deep down that baring your soul on the internet was bound to get one into trouble.. especially when everyone you know somehow naturally assumes the blogs all about them... when ... well.. its not you see... cause its all about me... yes.. egomaniacal, narcissistic, totally internally focused.. me!

But ah well.. :) i gotta run.. its iftari time..

love
Princess of the GemWorld

*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright © Fars - FS 2004

Monday, October 18, 2004

Sweet Home Karachi...

My 1st trip back home after 2 months was surreal.
I felt like kneeling on the tarmac after landing and kissing the scorching ground.

Scorching.. because its still summers in Karachi..
i stared with my eyes wide open at everything.. the roads, the street signs, the trees, shops, round abouts... reassuring myself that everything was where i'd left it.. and every so often i would burst into tears just missing the feeling of belonging to this humming city... i miss my city :(

I had so much on my mind. So many little things niggling the back of my conciousness... i went on a cleaning spree... it cleansed my mind and my soul along with my room..

i threw away project papers from 1999.. i three away old bank statements & deposit slips. I threw away receipts of equipment long expired.. i threw away reems of paper and things collected in the days of youth.. i threw away sooo many pictures which i knew i would never use in my photo album..

There was a time when i knew every single snap in each of my kodak photo albums down to the negative numbers which were obviously catalogued by chronological order. i was very organized. Each picture, taken of course with my nanas fantastic Nikon, was an extension of me.. my memories.. my past.. and sitting there on my bed this fine saturday morning in the hot month of october, i realized i had to let go. I had to move on from all those little moments that had made my life memorable 15 years ago.. (yeah i'm oooooolllddd... sigh)... and i had to concentrate on the moments now... i had to open my mind and start experiencing every second, sight, sound, aroma, the way i used to in my youth...when it all became larger than life..

Even now i can look at a picture, and it all comes back to me, the sea breeze in the back ground, specks of sand floating in the wind, the chill in the winter air, the warmth of the sun ... my favorite and most vivid memories are of the winters.. I used to breathe in the air trying to spot the difference between summer breezes & winter zephyrs... cool weather always served to enhance my senses and i remember the environments in my winter pictures so much more... they still resonate with life...

each moment in time, each snap was a precious memory captured and preserved... until this weekend. I finally realized that i couldnt keep holding on to each & every memory as if i'll never let go..

i also realized that Digital cameras lack character.. they lack emotion.. and because you can take limitless shots you lose value for the picture that you take and snap just about anything.. Digital cameras become an individual pursuit where in your pursuit of excellence you alienate the human race. I've stopped snapping pictures of people ever since i acquired my cybershot since inanimate objects are so much prettier..

Blah... well ... i threw away my childhood. Must have shredded a good 200 or so pictures. Let go of alot of baggage for good as well... friends of yore.. those that were once an integral part of the circle of life, yet now not there arent even wisps of their existence on the periphery of my life.. we move so fast and so far... We also sometimes forget the good and remember the bad in order to nurture our anger and nurse our hurt. And in throwing away all these memories, i finally accepted the fact that certain people, certain moments are only contained within the ephemeral bounds of time... and once their time has passed, theres no point in trying to hold on to them wishing and praying that things dont change and always stay the way they are.. it only results in excruciating pain when you finally have to let go.. because thats the nature of life.. it only moves forward..

Thats not to say, i'll ever forget... thats not to say i wont fondly remember the events and occasions that made my youth as memorable as it was... it still brings a smile to my face... :).. we were crazy and it was awesome...

Lest i start strolling down memory lane again, let me stop right here.. i changed my stance towards my album making... now i make the album for just me.. before it used to befor all the people i knew as well.. now its just me.. i put in pretty pictures i like and i throw the rest away because there isnt enough space in the world for all my crap.

:) take care ppl

cheerios
Princess of the GemWorld

*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright ?© Fars - FS 2004

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Word of the day..

I've decided the word of the day shall be.... scrumptious.

For some odd reason i have started having massive hunger pangs started at 11am. From then onwards its just a long drawn out waiting period til 1230 when the first signs of lunch start arriving on our company porch. 12:31- i'm in the cafeteria stuffing myself.

Now here's the catch. I am NOT alone. apparently i'm not the only one suffering through these pre-ramzan hunger pangs. I really dont know why its happening though. I have a feeling its got something to do with the winters, which in my humble opinion have certifiably arrived in Lahore. While my boss happily runs the air conditioner in his office, i rush in to power up my electric heater. Talk about extreme environments.

Just conversed with my other female colleague. She's recommended Diet Pepsi as a hunger buster. Said it fills up the stomach and makes you feel less inclined towards stuffing yourself. I have decided to hold off on that measure since we have mini pizzas and soup on the menu which i happen to like. I did however ask to have added perssure put on the lunch service to deliver before time.... *tummy growling in anticipation..

I'm glad ramzan is here. It should help temper my afternoon cravings. Can you imagine how tough its going to be in the beginning. I attribute it to breakfast. If you dont have breakfast, you dont feel hungry all day. The freaking breakfast just throws my entire system out of whack. sigh sigh sigh... ki karein..

I finally gave up and opened a bag of crisps.. bad fariha.. bad bad.. hehehe...

its now 12:50AM... AND OUR FOOD STILL ISNT HERE... WAHHHHHHHHHHH

finally got some food.. man i have no clue what i'm gonna do... sigh..

karachi calling .. the sea calls my soul.. sigh.. at one time i loved that about the city... the fact that it had an international airport that touched the whole world and the sea that left it open to new opportunities and horizons. I used to go to both places and stare fascinated at the planes and waves... i used to imagine where the people were going and what they'd be thinking.. what it would be like once they got there. when my cousins used to fly off after summer vacations, i used to curb my instincts to cry in a corner of nanas house by imagining each part of their journey.. when they land, when they get home.. right upto when they would call us to let us know they'd safely reached home..

The sea has been my savior.. in my saddest moments, my most confused conflicted moments, in my joyous moments.. i've turned to its peaceful continuity to bring balance to the force :) i've sung songs into the strong ocean breeze so no one else would hear me and be tortured by it.. i've stared for long hours at the soft comings & goings of the tide, eternal.. constant.. reliable. I will turn to it again soon to help me temper my temper :) Even though i'm generally speaking sublime, but sometimes my inner sanctum is violated by external forces resulting in an outlash of unprecedented rage.... otherwise i'm usually quite nice..

my cousins were amazing.. :) my khalas kids in specific.. every other summer we were all reunited at nanas house in phase 2 defence.. each year was a transition in life.. something new each time.. each year had its own music associations as well lol.. i remember '86 as being Bonjovi Slippery when Wet (Shot thru the heart, wanted dead or alive, livin on a prayer).. the cassette came with lyrics so ofcourse we had to record ourselves singing all the songs and play it back incessantly... it was also the year of Belinda Carlisle and Heaven is a place on earth... Give a little bit of heart n soul.. and lest i forget.. The Bangles... Walk like an egyptian.. Standing in the hall way... September girls.. a song i remember for obvious reasons..

Then came the era of NKOTB.. lol.. the right stuff.. i'll be lovin you 4ever.. even their entire christmas album.. posters, albums, magazines.. man it was crazy.. somewhere along the way was Debbie Gibson and Tiffany.. I think we're alone now.. i was just watching a E! True Hollywood story about them...lol...

Then there were my mamus kids.. They were into the Top of the Pops.. Rick Astley - when i fall in love.. china - china in your hands.. ma baker.. barbera streisand.. belinda carlisle - runaway horses, U2, cranberries... at different periods in their lives of course.. i remember there was this one top of the pops vhs which was practically rattofied by all of us.. There was this other VHS i once borrowed from a friend of mine which had songs like Justins Girl ( Which i LOVE), the caddy shack soundtrack song.. i cant remember the name.. but it was good... then there was the entire video collection of White snake on that tape.. that was my one and only exposure to their songs.. is this love that i'm feeling... there was the mannequin song.. Starship Nothings gonna stop us.. there was I've had the time of my life.. take my breath away, that was a great VHS , :)

There are my three MTV songs VHSs at home. Pretty bad recordings of songs on MTV between 92 to 95. Then my VCR stopped recording :) .. all my recordings were done in Chitral...where as you can guess i didnt have much going except sattelite TV. so my time was split between Bold n the Beautiful, Santa Barbera and MTV... it was a nice life.. during those days you had songs like Under the bridge - RHCP, Amy grant - Baby baby, i will remember you, friday im in love lol.. there were a bunch of songs there .. i cant even remember all of them.. man i'm old.. that was our time.. us ppl born in the swingin 70s .. i dont know whether to classify my self as the 80s generation or the 90s generation.. it gets confusing after a while.. i lived in both.,. my musical taste is still evolving.. every day im exposed to something new :) thanks to my funny friends :)

and now i have to go.. my tailor is here :)

cheerios
Princess of the GemWorld



*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright ?© Fars - FS 2004

Friday, October 08, 2004

warped reality

Just when you think you're so tired you cant even feel anything anymore, something happens to prove you wrong. Whether positive or negative, human emotions drive life.

I just think if we can kill the negativity, we'd all be better off. Worry, fear, anger, rage, despair, sadness, disappointment... we should just kill it all off. Its not a nice feeling being angry or hurt. Its not a nice feeling when you feel all wronged and taken advantage of. Its usually as a result of something you cant control.

My eyes for some odd reason feel glazed over. Its as if i exist only from moment to moment without any idea of how to proceed further. Its true.
I bought an iron. Then i wanted an ironing stand. Then i thought what if i dont need the ironing stand anymore once i've bought it. What a waste. i havent bought the stand yet.

I dont know exactly whats in my head. I stopped questioning it. i dont know if that was right. now im lost. i dont know which reality is real. the one in my head or the fuzzy one in my eyes. it cant be the fuzzy one. i hope its not the fuzzy one.

Saw the last episode of buffy yesterday night. The series finale. someone told me they felt a blog coming up. I've written about it before but i hadnt seen it then. Just read it online. Watching the end was a poignant moment. I recall the beginning. 97 in houston. i watched the first ever episode. Loved it. The humor was still there. The quirky comebacks. all of it. :) it was sweet. and weird. my childhood ended yesterday night. officially.
I dont feel joyous. I feel stifled. impotent and powerless. standing as a spectator. a pawn in different games. being moved back and forth by different hands. no ownership and all the repercussions. Its not fair. i dont like defending myself because i dont like being attacked.
i feel dead inside right now. i look dead too. sunken eyes. tired face. sleepy and silent. thats how i feel. its time for lunch. i dont feel like going. its unda chana. i dont like unda chana. i dont like much of anything right now. i think i'll go for a drive in the heat. i dont know what i want to do.
There is some work. Its not painfully urgent.

life sucks and then you die. Inalillahewainnailaiherajioun... whatever will be will be.... Allah is my guide and my refuge.

Princess of the GemWorld

*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright ?© Fars - FS 2004

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

its OVER!!!!!!!!!

Long long days and sleepless nights have finally culminated in the end.. lol...

We had a long exercise being carried out at work... which is now OVER!!

Soooo happy... :)

My eyes feel heavy... and keep closing.. my body feels like its breaking in a multitude of places. my mind is like fuzz. but i'm alive. I survived. heheheh... ok so i lost my marbles along the way... but het you cant have everything.

My GM asked how the experience was. I was like i think we need a post-work retreat. He responded with a thoughtful,"I think we all need therapy". lol..

The office is quiet today. With post-work work piled up, most of the staff is walking about in a daze trying to get their bearings :)... we shall persevere.

Lahore is nice. Its gotten chillier in the evenings. Yesterday was my map-master colleagues wedding anniversary. The man left work at 9:30pm. Sometimes i think the only reason his wife lets him live is because he's the father of her adorable (mashallah) son.. :) otherwise he wud've been history.

Lahore is consequetively turning into Karachi decembers. And its only October. I worry greatly about how my ligaments and joints will react to the impending winters. Dammit. My Karachi Blood isn't used to these drastic weather changes. Unless i'm wearing my dads army fleece jacket.

I ain't happy till i'm warm n cozy... bordering on breaking a sweat. Damn.

I guess i shouldn't fixate on the whole thing. It'll be worse than imagination in that case.

ok me goest...
cheerios

Princess of the GemWorld



*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright ?© Fars - FS 2004