au revoir my chums

My evolution from someone who actually had a statement to make into some dithering blabbering fool has taken all of 3 years.. but it did happen..

I've moved to a place in my life where i have nothing but silence and chaos in my head. my ears are always buzzing with the high pitched drone of too much airline travel.. as it is i was clinically deaf already.. my eyes are slowly turning into pebbles.. little pebbles inset on my swollen cabbage like face.. its reached a point that at night my pupils dont even expand because they've become so attuned to receiving the sharp glare of the LCD screen 16 hours a day.

my digestive system vaccilates between two extremes and yes its not pretty. my food intake is dangerously random... all week i have breakfast lunch & dinner.. and i try desperately to keep a handle on the intake.. come the weekend all i do is eat and sleep..

i'm going to be dead by the time i'm 50.. no 45.. i was aiming for 60 but seriously..
Not happening..

i dont talk to my friends anymore.. theyre as busy as i am... and slowly when you stop talking you forget how to talk.. theres no energy left to craft conversation and while silence is a beautiful part of beautiful friendships.. too much of anything is bad..

I feel completely cutoff and isolated.. half the time its a struggle not to burst into tears at the most inopportune moments.. and somehow there doesnt seem to be a ray of sunshine in sight..

i know this picture sounds more dire than it actually is... i'm still thankful for my beautiful family and friends.. i just dont feel at this particular moment in time that i'm doing anyone in my life any justice whatsoever..

people keep passing by the doors.. the world goes on.. everyone has their own issues to deal with... each struggling to keep their head above water.. i feel like driftwood let loose upon the raging seas.. one little peice being battered by the rough waves.. afloat.. but for how long..

for all my questioning of the purpose of life.. i make absolutely no effort to determine it.. i make no effort to clarify my objectives.. i keep thinking floating through life is the right thing to do cause if you dont over think things you can stay happy for longer.. maybe thats not true..

maybe i should over think things and try to pin down every single variable in my life from closet space to college funds and maybe i should do that now so i dont have to ever have anyone tell me "i told you so" or "you really should have planned".

everyone in my life has their own objectives to pursue as it should be. we are all individuals after all. and i'm happy for them.. i've stopped being happy for me. i dont seem to have the time to acknowledge any emotion on my emotional thermometer.. i mentioned before i thought i was on auto pilot but now its like i'm just floating in the air with no engine at the whim of the winds.. and through no ones fault but my own because thats what i wanted.. i wanted to float through life..

i didnt realize sometimes floating takes away your power to feel the moment because all moments merge into one long flight.. i guess i forgot that in order to experience reality you have to touch the ground because thats where ground reality is :) heheh.. thats a pun & a half..

i think i need a hiatus from everything including this blog.. i'm going to crawl into a hole and think... i need to find my soul again..

Read this on the Warrior of Light Newsletter by Paulo Coelho
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One day in January 2006

It is raining hard today and the temperature is close to 3ºC. I decided to go for a walk – I feel that if I don’t walk every day I won’t be able to work – but the wind is very strong too, so I came back to the car after ten minutes. I took the newspaper from the mailbox, nothing important in it, except the things that journalists have decided we should know, follow up and take a position on.
I go to the computer to read my e-mails.
Nothing new, just some decisions without any importance that I can see to later.
I try a little archery, but the wind is still blowing so strong that it’s impossible. I have already written my bi-annual book, which this time is called “The Zahir”, and there is still weeks before it comes out. I have already written the columns I publish on the Internet. I have already written the newsletter for my page on the Web. I have had a check-up on my stomach which fortunately detected nothing abnormal (they really scared me with all that business of sticking a tube down my throat, but there is nothing so terrible about it). I have been to the dentist. The tickets for my next trip by plane, which were taking a while to arrive, have finally got here by express mail. There are some things I have to do tomorrow, and some things I finished doing yesterday, but today ...
Today I have absolutely nothing to concentrate my attention on.
That scares me: shouldn’t I be doing something? Well, if you want to invent work, you don’t need to make much effort – there are always projects to be developed, bulbs that need changing, dry leaves that need sweeping, books to be tidied up, computer files to be organized, and so on. But how about just facing a total void.
I put on a cap, thermal clothes and a rainproof jacket, and go out to the garden – like this I’ll be able to stand the cold for the next four or five hours. I sit down on the wet grass and begin to make a mental list of what passes through my head:
A] I am useless. At this moment everybody is busy, working hard.
Answer: I work hard too, sometimes twelve hours a day. Today, by chance, I have nothing to do.
B] I have no friends. Here I am alone, one of the world’s best-known writers, and the telephone does not ring.
Answer: of course I have friends. But they know how to respect my need for isolation when I’m in the old mill at St. Martin in France.
C] I have to go and buy some glue.
Yes, I have just remembered that I ran out of glue yesterday, why not get into the car and drive to the nearest town? And that thought brings me to a halt. Why is it so difficult just to stay as I am right now, without doing anything?
A series of thoughts goes through my head: friends who worry about things that have not happened yet, acquaintances who know how to fill each minute of their lives with tasks that seem absurd to me, senseless conversations, long phone calls to say nothing of importance. Office bosses who invent work to justify their jobs, employees who are afraid because today they were given nothing important to do and that could mean that they are no longer any useful, mothers who torture themselves because the children have gone out, students who torture themselves over studies, tests, examinations.
I wage a long, difficult fight with myself not to get up and go to the stationary to buy the glue that is missing. The anguish is immense, but I’m determined to stay here without doing anything at least for a couple of hours. Little by little the anxiety gives way to contemplation and I begin to listen to my soul. It was dying to talk to me, but I’m always so busy.
The wind is still blowing very hard, I know that it’s cold and that tomorrow maybe I’ll need to buy some glue. I’m not doing anything, and I’m doing the most important thing in a man’s life: I’m listening to what I needed to hear from myself.
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i guess we should all take time to listen to ourselves sometimes.

Princess of the GemWorld

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I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
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