Displaced

i'm way better off staying away from the human race.

on my last trip to khi i felt like it was a home coming.. this trip is like an acid reflux..

Somehow on this one i've started remembering all the reasons i'd wanted to leave in the first place. All of them. the negativity.. the constant gripes... maybe its me..

The whole domestic politics of servants.. ohmygod.. i couldnt stand it... lol..

it was like deja vu.. the whole burning in the pit of my stomach over things i cant control.

i've gotten so used to living in anonymity and somehow i cant imagine that happening in khi.. cause you have lived your entire life in the same place obviously familiarity breeds. ... breeds contempt too...

All the old fears and concerns and childish irritations wash over me... lol

i suddenly feel like a teenager again..

ok i'm going to go and spend some quality time with the family and make me an omelette.

happy holidays..
hehehe

Princess of the GemWorld


*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright © Fars - FS 2004 to inifinity

Coming home

I stepped out of the airport into the windy city of Karachi... took a deep breath of polluted salty air... took a thirsty look around the buzzing airport of the metropolis... i was home..

no sneezes.. no coughs.. nothing but great gusts of karachi enriched air..

I guess my immune system can withstand it.. after years of building up the resistance :) also i think the reason my body's been giving up on me in Lahore is the fact that theres no windy breeze there.. the air seems stagnant.. everything hangs in the air like it has no where to go.. and hence its a whole lot more stuffier.. the heat there is dry though.. whereas in khi you're just melting.. but you're also cooling down along with it.. so that makes it ok..

i got alot of work done today..

i also read alot of romance novels over the two holidays.. even the ones i knew i wouldnt like.. i'd lost my penchant for reading romances for a while in between, but suddenly after the chronicles of Narnia and the Pride and Prejudice marathon sessions, it all came flooding back.. and im kinda glad cause it just helps you relax so much.. mindless reading.. no concentration required.. and you improve your vocabulary all the same and sometimes even learn about new places and new cuisines.. i tell you these romance novelists do a whole lotta research before constructing their worlds.. :) its kinda cool..

it feels good to be home.. since i was away the past two weekends.. i can say that with a clear conscience.. Karachi rocks man.. theres no other place in the world like it.. except maybe Amsterdam which is better...

So thats that.. how you doin world..

Princess of the GemWorld
*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright © Fars - FS 2004 to inifinity

like a whisper in the wind

spring came with the light rustling of the leaves, the soft clamour of the birds, the ever so soft whispers of the wind.. it crept up on us and suddenly before we had time to say goodbye to winter spring was here... in all her muted glory.. ahh the beauty of the changing seasons..

its enough to make one wax lyrical about the wonders of nature and the resplendent beauty of fresh rosebuds bursting forth in each corner of the world.. Beauty, thy name is spring..

i guess thats why they equate spring to youth... its when everything is jim dandy and fresh.. its when your knees dont creek, your teeth dont screech and your mind doesnt buzz.. its when life is like a bowl of butter.. and when dreams are as easy to achieve as your next cup of tea.. :)

i need to quit my caffiene addiction btw.. has absolutely no relevance to the topic but i thought i'd mention it anyway.

i am joyful.. deep within my spirit.. i am elevated beyond the daily grind of the rushing hordes of humanity and i feel honored.. to be able to acknowledge the advent of spring.. to be able to recognize the harmony in the changing of the seasons.. to be able to bear witness to the changing of the guard between winter and spring. there would be so many people in this world who would have forgotten all about the seasons and the wonderous miracles of nature because they just dont think beyond their basic needs.. and for them that is right..

for me.. i am ecstatic with joy that Allah Almighty has still decided to bestow upon me once again the joy of witnessing his wonders.. this inspite of my tinnitus :)

i went to the ENT the other day.. very nice gentleman.. liked him on sight.. he gave me zantac in case my recurring sore throats and congestion was caused by acid reflux, sturgeon for increasing blood circulation in case my tinnitus is due to that.. and some nose drops in case i have allergies.. which i never had all my living years.. also ordered a sugar test which i had tested a few months ago and it was all clear and an xray to see the extent of the congestion i kept complaining about.. which i still have to have done..

after all of that i had the pleasure of my friend anie liking me to the man who thought he was a hospital .. something Punjab board makes them read in 2nd year.. humph.. what does it take to get some sympathy around here..

while i was at Rahat medicos.. my second most favorite shopping area after the Askari walton market in Lahore.. i also got CAC1000 cause i like that and i need to absorb calcium while i still can... so there you have it.. i am on my way to becoming a walking talking pharmacy.. how cool.. i could charge 10% over the market rate and make a decent margin in case people want to hit me for pills.. :)

i had a marathon session of Pride & Prejudice (Kiera Knightley version) a few days ago.. my friend anies gone loopy and watched it 6 times in 10 days.. but i have to admit.. its nicely made and the Darcy grows on you by the end of the movie.. however the copy Geet has has the best Mr. Darcy ever cast.. its the BBC tv series version but before the Colin Firth one.. who is also not bad..

I also saw Cadet Kelly .. Hilary Duff.. shes cute.. and her movies are usually cute.. then i read only about TomKat and Brangelina etc etc.. gossip is always a great way of catching up with the real world :) so sue me i love channel E.. note to WORLDCALL.. turn it back on or else!!

it was a cousins valima dinner today and i'll wear my mums gharara to the reception tomorrow.. the only problem is the work is silver and my jewelry is golden :) kya karein..

i love life... Thank God for little blessing.. like the CTC spring rolls.. i have them everyday.. at 630 pm..

i love the songs of rang de basanti.. pathshala - love the da dein dein.. in the music.. awesome.. love the bluffmaster right here right now... love the rang de basanti title track especially the ring rang ring rang... lol.. love it.. got caught during lunch hour sharing a sandwich with my neighbor and blasting this one.. our GM walked in and took in the scene with one of his cool calm and collected looks while he controlled any urge to laugh or yell :).. amazing song though ring ring ring ring ring...

i heard it was raining at bhurban and singing.. wish.. but whatever :) i had ctc spring rolls na..

:)
Princess of the GemWorld

*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright © Fars - FS 2004 to inifinity

Nostalgical sniffings...

i feel constantly on the verge of tears today.. my former employers are here today for some work and i just found myself bursting into tears at all the memories that suddenly washed over me..

the binoria ki chinioti handi kept swimming in my consciousness and somehow that made me cry even harder.. theres no Binoria ki chinioti handi in all of laaaahoooorrre... bhuuuuwaaaaaaahhhhh...

just looking at the familiar faces.. my advent into the corporate world where i'd first taken baby steps... the faces that guided me.. i just wanted to hug 'em... all the little people.. they were all so wonderful.. i have so much respect for the non-management cadre... they were wholesome and good and had hearts and were warm and loving and had families and lives and never let lifes little problems get them down.. i miss them all so much..

there was shahid the visual arts whiz and burly sohail sb our one stop shop for all product related solutions.. khalid sb & ashfaq to get any sale done.. the sales guyz.. all of them.. every one was a character.. they were always so happy and spirited no matter what the challenge..

every one has their glitches.. no ones perfect.. but i cant remember the downsides.. i just remember the happy moments.. the hour long commute.. the rainy day pakoras.. the aaloo pakoras from the railway crossing.. garam garam with masala.. i wonder if the guy is still there.. i loved his pakoras.. i used to buy them sometimes on the way to work and have them with my morning tea.. every one used to gather round and we used to have a tea party.. :) suleman bhai key samosay.. the qeema samosas outside the sales office.. and there were the tea people.. i remember feroz and naveed i think.. there were so many people who came and went in the course of my 3 years there but they all kept in touch and even now still do.. i cant imagine that happening anywhere else.. i miss them.. :(-----

chota kashif shahid sohail sb mustafa asif ashfaq khalid arif sb arshad sb mohsin sb nyla shahid sb anis sb yasin naeem.. the whole CE team.. :(----

Those were simple times and simple joys are the best kind of joys..

sighhhhh... i love memories.. thank God for them.. where would we be without them...

I'm going to hide under my desk and cry for the rest of the day..

Princess of the GemWorld

*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright © Fars - FS 2004 to inifinity

au revoir my chums

My evolution from someone who actually had a statement to make into some dithering blabbering fool has taken all of 3 years.. but it did happen..

I've moved to a place in my life where i have nothing but silence and chaos in my head. my ears are always buzzing with the high pitched drone of too much airline travel.. as it is i was clinically deaf already.. my eyes are slowly turning into pebbles.. little pebbles inset on my swollen cabbage like face.. its reached a point that at night my pupils dont even expand because they've become so attuned to receiving the sharp glare of the LCD screen 16 hours a day.

my digestive system vaccilates between two extremes and yes its not pretty. my food intake is dangerously random... all week i have breakfast lunch & dinner.. and i try desperately to keep a handle on the intake.. come the weekend all i do is eat and sleep..

i'm going to be dead by the time i'm 50.. no 45.. i was aiming for 60 but seriously..
Not happening..

i dont talk to my friends anymore.. theyre as busy as i am... and slowly when you stop talking you forget how to talk.. theres no energy left to craft conversation and while silence is a beautiful part of beautiful friendships.. too much of anything is bad..

I feel completely cutoff and isolated.. half the time its a struggle not to burst into tears at the most inopportune moments.. and somehow there doesnt seem to be a ray of sunshine in sight..

i know this picture sounds more dire than it actually is... i'm still thankful for my beautiful family and friends.. i just dont feel at this particular moment in time that i'm doing anyone in my life any justice whatsoever..

people keep passing by the doors.. the world goes on.. everyone has their own issues to deal with... each struggling to keep their head above water.. i feel like driftwood let loose upon the raging seas.. one little peice being battered by the rough waves.. afloat.. but for how long..

for all my questioning of the purpose of life.. i make absolutely no effort to determine it.. i make no effort to clarify my objectives.. i keep thinking floating through life is the right thing to do cause if you dont over think things you can stay happy for longer.. maybe thats not true..

maybe i should over think things and try to pin down every single variable in my life from closet space to college funds and maybe i should do that now so i dont have to ever have anyone tell me "i told you so" or "you really should have planned".

everyone in my life has their own objectives to pursue as it should be. we are all individuals after all. and i'm happy for them.. i've stopped being happy for me. i dont seem to have the time to acknowledge any emotion on my emotional thermometer.. i mentioned before i thought i was on auto pilot but now its like i'm just floating in the air with no engine at the whim of the winds.. and through no ones fault but my own because thats what i wanted.. i wanted to float through life..

i didnt realize sometimes floating takes away your power to feel the moment because all moments merge into one long flight.. i guess i forgot that in order to experience reality you have to touch the ground because thats where ground reality is :) heheh.. thats a pun & a half..

i think i need a hiatus from everything including this blog.. i'm going to crawl into a hole and think... i need to find my soul again..

Read this on the Warrior of Light Newsletter by Paulo Coelho
____________________________________________________________

One day in January 2006

It is raining hard today and the temperature is close to 3ºC. I decided to go for a walk – I feel that if I don’t walk every day I won’t be able to work – but the wind is very strong too, so I came back to the car after ten minutes. I took the newspaper from the mailbox, nothing important in it, except the things that journalists have decided we should know, follow up and take a position on.
I go to the computer to read my e-mails.
Nothing new, just some decisions without any importance that I can see to later.
I try a little archery, but the wind is still blowing so strong that it’s impossible. I have already written my bi-annual book, which this time is called “The Zahir”, and there is still weeks before it comes out. I have already written the columns I publish on the Internet. I have already written the newsletter for my page on the Web. I have had a check-up on my stomach which fortunately detected nothing abnormal (they really scared me with all that business of sticking a tube down my throat, but there is nothing so terrible about it). I have been to the dentist. The tickets for my next trip by plane, which were taking a while to arrive, have finally got here by express mail. There are some things I have to do tomorrow, and some things I finished doing yesterday, but today ...
Today I have absolutely nothing to concentrate my attention on.
That scares me: shouldn’t I be doing something? Well, if you want to invent work, you don’t need to make much effort – there are always projects to be developed, bulbs that need changing, dry leaves that need sweeping, books to be tidied up, computer files to be organized, and so on. But how about just facing a total void.
I put on a cap, thermal clothes and a rainproof jacket, and go out to the garden – like this I’ll be able to stand the cold for the next four or five hours. I sit down on the wet grass and begin to make a mental list of what passes through my head:
A] I am useless. At this moment everybody is busy, working hard.
Answer: I work hard too, sometimes twelve hours a day. Today, by chance, I have nothing to do.
B] I have no friends. Here I am alone, one of the world’s best-known writers, and the telephone does not ring.
Answer: of course I have friends. But they know how to respect my need for isolation when I’m in the old mill at St. Martin in France.
C] I have to go and buy some glue.
Yes, I have just remembered that I ran out of glue yesterday, why not get into the car and drive to the nearest town? And that thought brings me to a halt. Why is it so difficult just to stay as I am right now, without doing anything?
A series of thoughts goes through my head: friends who worry about things that have not happened yet, acquaintances who know how to fill each minute of their lives with tasks that seem absurd to me, senseless conversations, long phone calls to say nothing of importance. Office bosses who invent work to justify their jobs, employees who are afraid because today they were given nothing important to do and that could mean that they are no longer any useful, mothers who torture themselves because the children have gone out, students who torture themselves over studies, tests, examinations.
I wage a long, difficult fight with myself not to get up and go to the stationary to buy the glue that is missing. The anguish is immense, but I’m determined to stay here without doing anything at least for a couple of hours. Little by little the anxiety gives way to contemplation and I begin to listen to my soul. It was dying to talk to me, but I’m always so busy.
The wind is still blowing very hard, I know that it’s cold and that tomorrow maybe I’ll need to buy some glue. I’m not doing anything, and I’m doing the most important thing in a man’s life: I’m listening to what I needed to hear from myself.
_________________________________________________________________________________

i guess we should all take time to listen to ourselves sometimes.

Princess of the GemWorld

*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright © Fars - FS 2004 to inifinity

mush mush mush mush mush.. dribble....

.....thats my brian dribbling off into the sunset.

i think i've finally passed beyond the final frontier. its finally happend. i cant feel my brain anymore.

nuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmbbbbbbbbbbbb.....
thats it

sad

bye

Princess of the GemWorld


*****************************************************
I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

Copyright © Fars - FS 2004 to inifinity