Reminiscences – Thank you GemWorld

I was going through my old blogs  and I got to Tuesday, March 16, 2004 (Blog... thy will be done... http://gemworld.blogspot.com/2004_03_01_archive.html) to the part where I am talking about how my nana taught me to ride a bike in Lahore

"Lahore was the place where i learnt to ride my bike... my nana taught me... he promised he'd hold on to the end of it and then let go.. i didnt even realize i was on my own till i'd already been around the lawn once."

And I suddenly saw a flash of abu teaching raiyna to ride a bike in our house 15 Cavalry Ground, Lahore. And my heart broke all over again. What am I doing?

I've been going through the archives on GemWorld for the past few days since Eid and been savoring the memories like a lovely hot samosa and a really good cup of tea

The golden cascade sunrise in DIK and the parathas and hot tea by the Indus

The summers with asi shaz n co, the dramatic role plays and peaky sneaky clubs

The spring of change and move to Lahore

The passion for Pakistan

The ramblings in general and my friends and cbm

Abu

2006. the last days

Me

My blog helped me preserve a lot of good memories, rich moments that I may have lost in the periphery of my existence if I hadn't written them down somewhere. It's a comforting thought that its preserved for me to revisit whenever I want to in life. I imagine when I am 60 or so (if I'm still in the land of the living, I may spend my days sitting on a porch with my laptop watching old movies and reading my blogs with a cup of hot tea & aaloo pakoras. I am also hoping against hope that I won't be fat & overweight and would be able to eat aaloo pakoras without overwhelming guilt.

Then I got reeeally nostalgic & decided to try to dig through my old harddrive. Some good stuff there. Found the Waffle directory – good ol Pegasus mail. Unfortunately… lol… couldn't read anything cause I was a serious security freak back then and I encrypted EVERYTHING. I mean EVERYTHING. The only directory I could read in notepad was the Jokes one. Lol… so I have all these memories… in gibberish thanks to my overzealous encryption and then I realized that I couldn't even remember the encryption keys because I used to receive messages and then resend them to myself encrypting them at that time so now no one would know the encryption keys except me. Also I think I had a different encryption key for each one of my friends. Oh lord. This is giving me a headache lol… rolling on floor laughing.

There was this one thing that I wrote once about stuff I liked.. starry skies, the seaside.. hot coffee on a cold winters day.. I wish I could read that again. Its somehow stuck in my head.

Yes yes. I am thoroughly, absolutely and forever more full of my self. Some things NEVER change J yee haw..

I went through every single folder.. I think.. couldn't find it in the English text. Wont recognize it in the gibberish.. or maybe it was in one of the folders in the B3025 account which is obviously long since dead and buried. Anyway, its probably time I wrote a new version to that one. I'm sure some things must have changed. Its weird though isn't it. How much we change when at every point in life it feels as if "this is it!". This is my life and the end all and be all of existence and then some how we dust ourselves off and take one step forward and another one and another one.. till nearly 10 years later you find yourself in a new time and place wondering how the devil you made it this far..

Anyway.. I have realized that I am carrying around a whole lot of trash on my portable hardrive that if I ever took the time to clear it I would have stupendous amounts of more space. I have each and everyone of my reports ever made in soft copy. Not to mention the 300 drafts of each along with all the images used inside each. Its unbelievable and somehow I know I will never, ever delete them. Darn. All those GBs.

And its so funny that as I come to this new place I realize that the men in my life never cursed around me. Mashallah. Or if they did I have blocked out those memories J but I recall that every time someone accidently does now and I think wow we were kept so respectfully mashallah. Pakistan has a lot to offer women J

Anyway.. its been a fun trip down memory lane… with many more trips to come.. inshallah..

Princess of the GemWorld 

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Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

GoogleName: Fariha GemWorld

Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.live.com/

Say Goodbye - 20th Dec 2003

Say good-bye to not knowing when The truth in my whole life began Say good-bye to not knowing how to cry You taught me that…

(Madonna.. I'll remember)

Its ironic. The way the powers that be seem to give in abundance in the normal everyday run-of-the-mill aspects of life, but when you place undue importance on something, they seem to back away from their generosity and deprive you. It's as if, they're balancing the scale so to speak.

Logically explained, it makes plausible sense. He gives a lot where we take it for granted and holds back where you want it to most. That's when you realize all that he has done for you, because you cant even rant and rave and scream accusations to the tune of .. you never give me anything I want. Simply because he does, and he has and no matter how you look at it, you've been blessed a thousand times over. It's the thousand and one time that doesn't materialize and then pricks you like a thorn in your side as you try to desperately unravel the mysteries of our Lord Almighty's irrefutable logic. It's a fruitless exercise, since human understanding stands impotent in the face of the Almighty's vision of the world. And so with a sad resignation we look around ourselves and wonder… what next.

It's a saddening stage. It's a little scary too, because when you find yourself not able to control the surreal wheels of your destiny, you seek to demonstrate control in the physical environs of reality you find yourself in. Sometimes being backed in a corner can be the best thing that happens to a person. It forces you to look hard and long at every single thought, plan, relationship, belonging, aspect of your life and try to identify the root cause of your new cornered existence. Along the way you learn a lot. You learn what you're willing to give up in order to start living life on your terms again. You learn how hard you can be inside. You learn to what extent you're willing to inflict pain on those you love the most, just as long as you can exercise some control over your so-called life.

These dissertations don't come easy. They take a lot away from the person that you were. They force you to look hard and long at what holds you back and what you can live without. And at the end of the day, you stand bare and exposed like a tree in fall having lost all the external foliage that seemed to protect you from the real world, and at the same time bind you to it. As the leaves fall away, the true person emerges. There's no guarantee whether you'll like what you'll see. There are no guarantees to anything in life

Its ironic that guarantees are the one thing that we look for when making so many of our major decisions. Minimization of risk. Starting from finances, to selecting schools, to selecting life partners. We compromise on so many things, for that one little insignificant guarantee… that this has low risk. There's no such thing.

If there was, we would have all been born with little warranty tags attached to our big toes. Valid for 20 years ..or less.. God never gave us guarantees. He merely gave us life and told us to live.

He told us to live right, and live true and to live in harmony. I can live according to his will. I can't seem to abide by the will of his creations. You can only follow one path in your life. If you try to tread on too many, you will be torn and find the pieces of your being scattered unceremoniously across the pathways of life. 

Torn between the world that judges itself to be the master of fate and between the realization that you yourself cant even define your tomorrow.. the only thing that gives you strength is the knowledge that tomorrow… you could be dead. Life stinks and then you die…. But … there's no guarantee on that either J

I've come to the conclusion that its futile making plans and having dreams. Its futile and painful when you have to face the harsh face of reality and have it stick out its tongue in your face and say nyah nyah nyah… makes you want to reach out and … I wont go there.

And its impossible to live your life for the happiness of others. "Others" will never be happy. There'll always be something to make others miserable.. and any noble sacrifices you make in order to bring some happiness to every body else but yourself will only result in misery because only you will live in your reality… no one else. At the end of the day we live alone and we die alone.

The Almighty blesses us by sending us some angels you help us clear our heads and think. Who help us bring some illusionary perspective to the chaos resounding in our skulls… They pass through our lives like a soft spring zephyr and leave behind fragments of beauty that we cling to till they fade away with memories. They help us survive the deepest recesses of disappointment that we descend to and they magnify our happy moments ten fold… I love my angels. Forever and always.

Its hard being hard. Its hard knowing you can be. Its hard hurting people you know love you. Its hard saying "I don't give a shit". Its hard not crying when you feel like there's a dam waiting to burst forth. Its hard saying, "It's my life" and actually seeing it through. Its hard saying goodbye.

Bottom line, no one ever said life was easy. More often than not people live their lives for everyone but themselves. That's very noble. It also turns them into vicious beings that resent every one who seems to have a zest for living. Giving up for others is Sacrifice. Giving up on your self… that's called death.

You cant live a life if you're dead inside. I still have a lot to think about. I still have a lot of dreams to let go off. I still have a lot of sacrifices I don't want to make.

At the end of the day, the Almighty will guide me, but when it comes to the point where he asks me to make a blind choice on the forked road.. I may refuse to make a choice at all and just wait there, till he gives up and shows me the way. No one can force you to follow a path unless you choose to do so. Because you'll have to walk that path on your own two legs. I don't know if the Almighty gives up though so it may be a long wait..

But I'll have my angels with me.. J

You have powers you never dreamed of. You can do things you never thought you could do. There are no limitations in what you can do except the limitations of your own mind.

Darwin P Kingsley

Fariha

Sunday dec 20^th 2003

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Fariha's Thoughts of the Day:

GoogleName: Fariha GemWorld

Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com

MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.live.com/

Birthdays and bashes

:) at the ripe old age of what I have turned today … sigh.. I will eventually get around to saying it out loud but for now I will refrain.. it leaves a lot to look to forward as against earlier expectations. When I was younger the milestones were different. When I was 5, 1st grade was a big deal. When I was in 3rd grade, 5th grade seemed really far off. When I was 12, 13 was miiiiles away. When I was in 8th grade, 10th grade girls were fully grown adults. When I was 14, 16 was supposedly the epitome of existence. And then I turned 16 and it… well I mean ok so I started inter and went to college but it wasn't really SUCH a big deal. Anyway at 16, (you got it!) 18 was the next big thing and then it came and went. In retrospect it may have been a big deal in the sense it was my first birthday with (ohmygoodness) boys in it.. much to the dismay of my dearest darlingest Abu :) who couldn't quite understand the need for that :) .. I miss him sooo much. Anyway at 18, 20 didn't seem like a big deal. In fact I think I used to forget how old I was once I passed 18 quite frequently. And I still do :) lol. Maybe I never moved beyond that 18-yr-old mindset. I'd to think that I did though. I'd like to think that I've grown. But when my 2-yr old tells me to "stop it" while waving her adorable little finger in my face, usually when I have done something not quite right in her adorable little point of view, I don't really feel very old at all. I feel small and silly. I guess each individual human mind reaches a plateau at a certain point in their lives. That's the height of your emotions & creativity. That's when your learning is accelerated and your sensitivities are heightened. That's when you feel so much that you feel you can burst and you write these long emotional dialogues to yourself that you want the whole world to read and marvel over. Its when you want the fame, the recognition, the appreciation all from external sources because somehow what's inside you just isn't enough. There's this gaping emptiness that refuses to filled, no matter how many friends you have.. no matter how long you talk on the phone.. no matter how many times you blast the music in the car and scream down the seaview boulevard. When it's all over you still come home empty craving for more. I now know that's hormones to reduce it to a biological phenomenon. Its also a deep inner impulse that drives all those who haven't been taught how to tamp down their emotions and haven't learnt the meaning of "Sacrifice" by the time they have turned 16. Because I know. I know that not all kids were like us. I knew kids who didn't have any issues not screaming away to loud blaring music… I knew kids who didn't have the avenues of entertainment & escape we were exposed to. And I knew that while they missed it, they were peaceful within themselves to an extent because they knew it was a sacrifice for a greater end.. which at 16 seems really far away. Of course we had more fun :) and more funky memories of everything that we grew up in. Memories that when savored on their own without the bindings of what followed and how the future was shaped are very dear and highly enjoyable. Especially if I read my diary :) I had a great literary sense of humor (to blow my own horn). Hats off to our parents, especially my parents, my dear darling adorable wonderful parents, who had the gumption to live through it all with us. The late night pick ups and drop offs that my Abu did, were nothing short of angelic. I love him. I miss him and inshAllah in the end I strive my hardest to have a place with him. Its scary when you think of that chemical biological evolution as being an inevitable part of life. I don't like thinking about it since I now have kids and I remember how excruciating it can be sometimes. Everything just seems more intense when it really isn't. Or maybe as we grow older the passion in us simmers down and finally dies out so we don't feel as much as we used to. Its all better now. You kill some feelings. You come to terms with others. You keep wondering about the rest. But a lot of the acceptance & belonging issues get ironed out by the time you hit 28 because for better or for worse you learn to somehow love yourself. You realize that that's all that you are and that all that you will ever have and hence you need to make the best of it. You stop feeling rejection in the true sense of the word because you have found acceptance within your self and now you know where you belong. I wish I can instill this emotion in my children from when they are 5 onwards so they never have to second guess anything about themselves. I hope my children never have to wonder if I love them; they should KNOW beyond the shadow of a doubt that I do just the way I knew. I hope I can raise them with even stronger values then my own. I hope I can teach them everything my mother and father taught me about honesty & family, right & wrong and I hope that when I guide them they accept my guidance by the grace of Allah. I hope they can achieve the inner calm, constant optimism and a stubborn disregard for anything negative, the way I have, very early on so they never have to go through the bouts of indecision or confusion that we all do. I pray that Allah is kind to them and to us and that we all end up in a truly happy place once our sojourn in this world ends. Ameen. ******************************************************************************************** Fariha's Thoughts of the Day: GoogleName: Fariha GemWorld Blogspot: http://gemworld.blogspot.com MSN Space: http://gemworldfars.spaces.live.com/