mizunderstood... thats another Bon jovi song

:) Just had one of those "I really dont get you" discussions... just had the "u dont seem to give a shit about anything" stuff thrown in my face... just felt a little misunderstood.. a little scared... and quite a bit defensive...

i hate to say this... but very few people get me... and that doesnt mean they like me either.. i think most of the people who dont know me very well, like me... those who do know me very well either love me to death because they just cant help themselves or detest me for being the person that i am... i know both kinds... its only a matter of time before people that you meet fall into either category... more in the latter than the former.

The former are few and far between... and the former are the ones i'd die for.. they make me want to be nice to the world :) they restore my faith in human kind.. they know who they are...

Time is irrelevant in the canvas of life... life can span any realm of existance... be it the next 5 seconds or the next 50 years... whatever point that you greet death at, you should hope that you go out on a high note.. having LIVED.. having laughed... having loved... having had friends you would give your first and last breath for ... having felt the passion resident in the human spirit... having shouted in joy .. having cried in agony.. then you have truly LIVED...

our lives are but a mere summary of stolen moments from the hands of time... moments .. little droplets of memories in which we felt joy and grasped whatever happiness came our way... moments in which we didnt question the why's what nots and hows.. but just let go and experienced the joy as it rushed through us and left us breath less.. those are the moments that are the essense of our existence when we finally pass away from this realm...

I find joy in ... well... nearly anything... driving a new car seems to be topping the list... having a nice lunch.. talking to my best friends... a call from my mum... a cloudy sky... the chance of rain... the thought of travel... of plans for a sound sleep... the joy of a good book.. of a great song... of really well made pasta... of a sweet movie that tugs at your heartstrings... of a pretty new ring... from a great bargain... from a really good cup of coffee... from the thought of my friends being in the same city as me :) ... anything and everything is an opportunity to derive joy... and retard sorrow..

My quest for happiness sometimes alienates those around me... its inevitable i guess... life moves full circle... where there is joy, sorrow will soon follow.. and sooner or later in the scheme of things no matter how hard i try to remain aloof and untouched by the unbearable sense of failure and deprivation.. it will come to haunt me.. and i will give in for a brief moment in time til God rescues me from wallowing in the puddle of self-pity.

My faith... which refers in no means to mere religion... saves me from myself. Its a simple faith. i keep it simple. It revolves around the premise that everything happens for a reason and we shouldnt sweat the little things in life.. conversely the big things in life are usually so out of our hands that theres no point to sweating them anyway.. so there you have it... when my life seems difficult and complicated, i just throw up my hands and tell God to fix it... and he does... usually.

So thats the way it works. The people i love, i just do. without rhyme or reason or too much thought. It comes naturally and i just flow with it.. Theres no point in forcing yourself to do something. Inevitably your resentment will spew forth and destroy you. Do what makes you happy... your happiness will define your attitude towards life and those around you... and those you love will conversely be happy because their happiness will to some extent be derived from yours and vice versa... so its the dominoes philosophy... a chain reaction.. a reminder of that movie "Pay it forward" .. lets ignore the fact that the kid dies in the end... that was sad...

I seem chill with life because i force my self to be chill with it...while my insides tremble with fear and insecurity.. my heart palpitates with the entire uncertainty of existance.. my mind loses any sense of relativity as it goes around in circles of confusion.. i project a calm front to the world... because its no ones problem but mine..
The people priviliged enough to be exposed to my inner self know me for the scared little person i am... they build me up when i fall apart... they help me regain my courage because i have their support... they protect me til i'm on level ground again... i'm strong because of their faith in me.. and because of my faith in the heavens above...

I dont like being judged... i detest assumptions... and i hate feeling misunderstood. Theres more to me than any one person can unravel in a lifetime... even i havent understood my self fully... i dont think i ever will.. and im ok with that... i dont live according to expectations... i live according to whim... and thats a scary thing for many people.. but as long as i dont hurt anyone, i'll my life as i see fit... so help me God..

SB on Que Sera Sera posted something lovely today...
Love
I think there are two kinds of love. Well, maybe three if you count Kill Bill Vol. 2, which was just an excuse for Quentin Tarantino to gaze at Uma Thurman through a camera lens and then lay claim to her with a giant cinematic facial at the end by shooting his name across her face in huge letters that might as well have been dripping down the screen.

Anyway, I think there are two kinds of love. One is the kind of love where a person already has decided the things they want to happen to them, the things they desperately want and need and associate with love, they’ve mapped them out on their own heart beforehand, and they’re just trying to find someone to do them with. They’ve already decided that love = zany photobooth pictures and sharing their favorite movie on the couch once a week and saying this one pet name and them both liking the same band and going to the same coffeeshop and looking up and smiling over a book. So every person they date, they take them on the same walk to the same place and take the same pictures and pose the same pose and try the same lean-in, just giving the routine they want a test drive over and over again until it sticks, and then they get all the comforts that come with the routine of loving someone who holds the same things dear, or is at least game for holding your things dear with you.

And then there’s the other kind of love, that kind that sneaks up on you and punches you in the throat, and every part of it seems crazy and foreign at first, from the person and how they make you feel to the new things you find yourself doing, and you’re almost weirded out by how strange it is, and how you’re simultaneously repelled and attracted to it, and you might roll your eyes at it all and say, whatever, I’m not in love, I’m just doing this for awhile, but then one day you realize you want that strange new routine and person and it’s more love than anything else has ever been ever in your whole entire life, ever.

Interchangeable photobooth people, I wish you well, but I’ll take my punch in the throat.

:) You choose your own path and then you live with the consequences of your choices... i choose not to choose... i wait for my path to be revealed to me... call it a lack of ambition, of vision, of planning,... call it a one way ticket to failure, to despondence... to a lack of direction... call it being selfish.. and close minded.. call it what you will...

I call it my life... and so far mashallah... my lifes pretty darn good... One day at a time... one breath, one laugh, one whisper, one moment of joy, one glimmer of hope, one sigh of relief, a sense of wonder at each new day... a joyous curiosity at the uniqueness of life... an open heart ... a happy mind... a fulfilled soul... one step at a time...

we cant have everything in life... but u know what... sometimes you dont need to have everything to actually have everything... sometimes one little thing can give you all that you desired in one singular moment... so where does that leave the visionaries with their long term plans...

:) in their own realm of existance... happiness is individualistic... not communal... faith is individualistic.. not communal.. our lives coexist... but we exist as individuals.. and we need to remember that no one can ever be responsible for our happiness... we need to ensure it our selves.. and by the grace of Allah, inshallah we will....

Im off..

Princess of the GemWorld


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I dare to dream... so sue me.. :p
GemWorld

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